Cold, cold, cold.
There's no other way to describe someone.
You have a way of coming easily to me; and when you take, you take the very best of me.
So I start a fight, because I need to feel something and you do what you want, I'm clearly not what you wanted.
Oh what a shame, what a raining ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away, there's no use in defending words you would never say.
And now that I'm sitting here thinking this through, I've never been anywhere as cold as you.
You put up walls and painted them all shades of grey.
I stood there loving it, and wished them all away.
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer, with the nerve to adore you.
Oh what a shame, such a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away there's no use in defending words you would never say.
And now that I'm sitting here thinking this through, I've never been anywhere as cold as you.
You never did care of anything, lovely, but I cried, cried for you.
And I know you wouldn't have told one body if I died, died for you.
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Every smile you fake is so codescending counting all the scars you've made.
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through, I've never been anywhere as cold as you.
It's fine, are you done yet?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
I am obviously meant to be alone in this world. Never at once have I felt so defeated and willing to tear myself apart and rip apart my being in actualy self hate before.
I cannot believe that once again, I have fucked things up so badly to the point of no return. Some might have thought that one would have learned from past situations and mistakes and better themself upon this subject. I apparently, do not fit in that mold of the simple 'learning from mistake' charade.
I am so disgusted with my performance. I cannot even look at myself in the eye when I reflect in the mirror.
For the past month I have been throwing up my arms in angst, cutting out and cropping down my life till there's nothing left of it. I have made myself this own way. First with Brendan, now with an old friend who I have rekindled with recently.
I want to just lay this out there:
On the subject of Brendan- He was my best friend for a whole year, and someone who through everything that had been happening througout a transitional period of my life, had been there, through and through only to catch me in my time of need. Our relationship grew, and from a series of events, we grew close and eventually became a couple. Things were good, things were great. It was a normalcy I needed in my life. But as soon as reality kicked in on August 25, so did the invitations, temptations and failure(succesfully none on my part). I was forced into a situation I never want to be made into again. I was a fair idiot, placed upon a pedalstool for all to galavant and mock at. Simply one of the worst feelings in the world. We promised to remain friends and when that didn't take off, I empatheticly tried to salvage what was left and take matters into my own hands to communicate and smile. He claims my friendship is one of the most important things, but yet can't find the decency or time to even call, text, or wave in my direction. I tried, I tried hard, but nothing worked. I decided 'I'm not trying this hard for nothing, if I'm that important, he can come to me'.
Such a immature approach, and look where it's gotten me: Dead no where.
Old friend- We became friends at the beggining of the first semester last year. He was someone I partied with and met with on occasion but soon, for some reason I honestly can't recall, we drifted. Then I began dating Steven Molina, who, of course, was hated by the general generation of my age group, including this 'friend'. It upset most people that somehow I would find happiness in someone so 'disgusting' and 'vile'. I can understand reasoning on why these people fret about him, they had bad experiences. But I cannot help in I never experienced something wrong with him, and for once a boy treated me right and with respect. I had no bones to pick with our relationship, and therefor, it worked. Steven and I's relationship dwindled in the last few months and we finally called it quits, for our laziness had taken over and we both were fed up with trying. Being single, and away from Steven brought back people I hadn't seen or spoken with in a long while, including recently, this friend. Lately we have been hanging out again and having fun revisiting old times and what not. Things were going great until last night:
Set up: I was invited to a party with him and decided I had no other commitments and why not? We go together and I enjoyed every minute I was there, until I saw someone who has continued to disown me and reject me based on my relationship with Steven. I wasn't going to fall to the ground in haste declaring I wouldn't want to be in the same room, in fact I was planning on making it a good night, until words were exchanged. I was drunk, and in that matter, I became extremly angry at what was said(normally I would've disregarded such a statement). I just felt so much hate at that once instant, not mostly on what was said, but the fact that someone can act in such way because of a decision I made long ago. I couldn't even stand to be in the same vicinity as him and so I made a clear decision to leave.
Problem: I announced(mouthed) I was leaving to my friend while he was in a game of beer pong. I negelected to say why, as I just didn't want to make a scene and also because this person was right next to us. It was clear he was mad that I would just up and out like that only having been there about 2 hours. I left ubruptly and hammered, I drove home only to remember my friend's keys were in my car. I let him know, him already being angry at me for leaving which escalated his anger. I explained I would return them in the morning, it was an accident and I had forgotten they were in there in the first place. He disregarded this and I fell asleep in the middle of him trying to figure out how he was going to get them back in text message.
Little did I know, he was also feeling like an idiot when everyone asked where I had gone to and why, and he couldn't answer. I had embarassed him.
and now because of these stupid actions and poor judgment, our friendship is who knows where, because I was shady and thought I did the right thing.
I am doing this to myself, only because I can't see myself happy.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I cannot believe that once again, I have fucked things up so badly to the point of no return. Some might have thought that one would have learned from past situations and mistakes and better themself upon this subject. I apparently, do not fit in that mold of the simple 'learning from mistake' charade.
I am so disgusted with my performance. I cannot even look at myself in the eye when I reflect in the mirror.
For the past month I have been throwing up my arms in angst, cutting out and cropping down my life till there's nothing left of it. I have made myself this own way. First with Brendan, now with an old friend who I have rekindled with recently.
I want to just lay this out there:
On the subject of Brendan- He was my best friend for a whole year, and someone who through everything that had been happening througout a transitional period of my life, had been there, through and through only to catch me in my time of need. Our relationship grew, and from a series of events, we grew close and eventually became a couple. Things were good, things were great. It was a normalcy I needed in my life. But as soon as reality kicked in on August 25, so did the invitations, temptations and failure(succesfully none on my part). I was forced into a situation I never want to be made into again. I was a fair idiot, placed upon a pedalstool for all to galavant and mock at. Simply one of the worst feelings in the world. We promised to remain friends and when that didn't take off, I empatheticly tried to salvage what was left and take matters into my own hands to communicate and smile. He claims my friendship is one of the most important things, but yet can't find the decency or time to even call, text, or wave in my direction. I tried, I tried hard, but nothing worked. I decided 'I'm not trying this hard for nothing, if I'm that important, he can come to me'.
Such a immature approach, and look where it's gotten me: Dead no where.
Old friend- We became friends at the beggining of the first semester last year. He was someone I partied with and met with on occasion but soon, for some reason I honestly can't recall, we drifted. Then I began dating Steven Molina, who, of course, was hated by the general generation of my age group, including this 'friend'. It upset most people that somehow I would find happiness in someone so 'disgusting' and 'vile'. I can understand reasoning on why these people fret about him, they had bad experiences. But I cannot help in I never experienced something wrong with him, and for once a boy treated me right and with respect. I had no bones to pick with our relationship, and therefor, it worked. Steven and I's relationship dwindled in the last few months and we finally called it quits, for our laziness had taken over and we both were fed up with trying. Being single, and away from Steven brought back people I hadn't seen or spoken with in a long while, including recently, this friend. Lately we have been hanging out again and having fun revisiting old times and what not. Things were going great until last night:
Set up: I was invited to a party with him and decided I had no other commitments and why not? We go together and I enjoyed every minute I was there, until I saw someone who has continued to disown me and reject me based on my relationship with Steven. I wasn't going to fall to the ground in haste declaring I wouldn't want to be in the same room, in fact I was planning on making it a good night, until words were exchanged. I was drunk, and in that matter, I became extremly angry at what was said(normally I would've disregarded such a statement). I just felt so much hate at that once instant, not mostly on what was said, but the fact that someone can act in such way because of a decision I made long ago. I couldn't even stand to be in the same vicinity as him and so I made a clear decision to leave.
Problem: I announced(mouthed) I was leaving to my friend while he was in a game of beer pong. I negelected to say why, as I just didn't want to make a scene and also because this person was right next to us. It was clear he was mad that I would just up and out like that only having been there about 2 hours. I left ubruptly and hammered, I drove home only to remember my friend's keys were in my car. I let him know, him already being angry at me for leaving which escalated his anger. I explained I would return them in the morning, it was an accident and I had forgotten they were in there in the first place. He disregarded this and I fell asleep in the middle of him trying to figure out how he was going to get them back in text message.
Little did I know, he was also feeling like an idiot when everyone asked where I had gone to and why, and he couldn't answer. I had embarassed him.
and now because of these stupid actions and poor judgment, our friendship is who knows where, because I was shady and thought I did the right thing.
I am doing this to myself, only because I can't see myself happy.
What the fuck is wrong with me.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I'm coming into a darker side in myself, but feeling better than normally. typically, I would take that as a bad sign, seeing as how that sounds cynical, but I want to ride this out. The feeling is straight forward and for once, I'm happy at where I am and where I've stopped temporarily.
I now know I really don't need what I've been missing in my life. From recent , embarassing events, I have recieved massive ammounts of closure on the subject. With a swift drive home, escaping an uncomfortable situation, I was able to let my emotions win and decide that fate doesn't want me to be there with them so I shouldn't. and Won't.
And now things are better than usual. I have a sturdy relationship with my best friend. It's perfect for me. We're closer and it's really what I've been wanting. Work is fine, and my bank account hearty. Now all I need is for him to come home so everything will be set.
College isn't scaring me either.
I now know I really don't need what I've been missing in my life. From recent , embarassing events, I have recieved massive ammounts of closure on the subject. With a swift drive home, escaping an uncomfortable situation, I was able to let my emotions win and decide that fate doesn't want me to be there with them so I shouldn't. and Won't.
And now things are better than usual. I have a sturdy relationship with my best friend. It's perfect for me. We're closer and it's really what I've been wanting. Work is fine, and my bank account hearty. Now all I need is for him to come home so everything will be set.
College isn't scaring me either.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
The weekend is fast approaching and with the soothing thoughts of sun, sand and relaxation, I am obsessing about the sinking feeling that encountered tonight in my shower. I let the water burn and steam my skin as I rethought how good of a day today turned out to be. First my trip to Southlake turned out hopeful and optimistic. Then, a day filled with my best friend, driving to Northpark and Mocking Bird, Happy hour and Creative Recs. The simple car ride on the way home filled with traffic and a full Beatles marathon; discussing who is the least talented, the order of our favorites, who is the best song writers of all time... ect.
It only kills me inside to think that this is my last year of this joyfulness. Things like this will never happen again after this year is over. We will part our ways, live our lives, fall in love, get married, get a job, have a family, grow up. Without each other. The steam ultimately made tears unable to fall which was a perk, considering as I got out, I would have to collaborate with my mother. But, thinking about it has never made me feel this way. Walking into my room made the feelings reality, where the cool air allowed my welled tears to rain down, but I stopped myself thinking, "I have a year, I have a year to make it count".
It only kills me inside to think that this is my last year of this joyfulness. Things like this will never happen again after this year is over. We will part our ways, live our lives, fall in love, get married, get a job, have a family, grow up. Without each other. The steam ultimately made tears unable to fall which was a perk, considering as I got out, I would have to collaborate with my mother. But, thinking about it has never made me feel this way. Walking into my room made the feelings reality, where the cool air allowed my welled tears to rain down, but I stopped myself thinking, "I have a year, I have a year to make it count".
Friday, July 11, 2008
These few presidents
I need a cigarette so badly right now, or pot. Or liquor. Right now, I need the cleans smooth feeling of glass being held in one hand and the lighter in the other flicking the plastic that will being to heal my fears in moments.
I don't know what I have proceeded to get myself into, it's typical really. I don't want a normal boyfriend! I want what I had! I want it back! I want it fucking back! Things were simple and made sense. It wasn't the fake smiling and checking up on each other and forced happiness. None of the showing me off like a prize. Nothing like this. I hate it. I feel such disdain when I think of it I just want to puke all over the idea of it. Ugh, fuck it. I just want to fuck everyone's relationship who is like this all up and tear it to shreds. It's not real! It's what you think it should be, it's what the early 20th century, 1950, baby-boomer family, father worker, mother cooker, aimed to be. It's not what we, as a generation, are anymore. I just wish it would go the fuck away.
I am so grim at this moment and hostile, it's really unbearable, even for myself to watch. Hmph
I don't know what I have proceeded to get myself into, it's typical really. I don't want a normal boyfriend! I want what I had! I want it back! I want it fucking back! Things were simple and made sense. It wasn't the fake smiling and checking up on each other and forced happiness. None of the showing me off like a prize. Nothing like this. I hate it. I feel such disdain when I think of it I just want to puke all over the idea of it. Ugh, fuck it. I just want to fuck everyone's relationship who is like this all up and tear it to shreds. It's not real! It's what you think it should be, it's what the early 20th century, 1950, baby-boomer family, father worker, mother cooker, aimed to be. It's not what we, as a generation, are anymore. I just wish it would go the fuck away.
I am so grim at this moment and hostile, it's really unbearable, even for myself to watch. Hmph
Sunday, July 6, 2008
old times
Times are wrong, but so are you.
It's strange that just a simple 15 second touch makes the smell seep into my fingers the familiar scent that I've missed for so long. I try to hold back the tears that have been behind my eyes for three straight clear months, but the sounds of normalcy and simpler times and pictures of memories forgotten(or just pushed away) gateways them out fast and hard.
I don't miss everyone, I miss the ones I loved the most. The one that I confided in so much. The one I considered my own blood. the one I wasn't afraid to be the real me around. I'm relieved things are silent now, there's no corruptness between us. But I'm unsure what I'm to feel or do.
The things we shared, photography, music, silliness, everything was so enticing. I met my match. Someone I could run into their house and felt like it was my own. I could run into his arms and feel consoled. Everything was better instantly. nothing else mattered, and my spirits were lifted by some dumb attempt to make me laugh.
Why did things go wrong.
"She was a dancer, she lived in the city. Head before the heart, got a simple start to start things off, And you made a difference in me. Sometimes on the street corner i look up at the sky until all those lights all gone by and then i listen to the sound of the subway breaking down. and it goes bah bah bah bah da da da, bah abha bah da da da da
It's strange that just a simple 15 second touch makes the smell seep into my fingers the familiar scent that I've missed for so long. I try to hold back the tears that have been behind my eyes for three straight clear months, but the sounds of normalcy and simpler times and pictures of memories forgotten(or just pushed away) gateways them out fast and hard.
I don't miss everyone, I miss the ones I loved the most. The one that I confided in so much. The one I considered my own blood. the one I wasn't afraid to be the real me around. I'm relieved things are silent now, there's no corruptness between us. But I'm unsure what I'm to feel or do.
The things we shared, photography, music, silliness, everything was so enticing. I met my match. Someone I could run into their house and felt like it was my own. I could run into his arms and feel consoled. Everything was better instantly. nothing else mattered, and my spirits were lifted by some dumb attempt to make me laugh.
Why did things go wrong.
"She was a dancer, she lived in the city. Head before the heart, got a simple start to start things off, And you made a difference in me. Sometimes on the street corner i look up at the sky until all those lights all gone by and then i listen to the sound of the subway breaking down. and it goes bah bah bah bah da da da, bah abha bah da da da da
Thursday, July 3, 2008
sweet caroline
Good times never seemed so good
I've been inclined
To believe they never would
Mmm, summer is too sweet. The hot hair blowing in the dark is satisfying. The sharp pitch of horns bursting to blatant Neil Diamond songs replace the worry with temporary bliss. Everything is fine, perfect. Everyone is normal. Everyone is everything but unhappy. Nothing matters. Everything is something. Everything matters to everyone. Nothing is unfit. Everything is everything.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Heroin fucked Stars
I'm really overwhelmed with new attention. I'd rather not even have it. Too much stress, and hopes, and too much potential on what I'm doing. People relying on me is a episode of disaster, I would just not have it at all if I could. I'm not even interested back unto those who are paying me the attention. It's the rush of the game that fuels me. The attention I do want, isn't given. So now the new game is that. I want it so badly, but not just for stats, for keeps maybe.
I hope this game doesn't rule my life, I want to be able to run after something, have it, keep it, and be fulfilled.
My state of mind may never change.
I hope this game doesn't rule my life, I want to be able to run after something, have it, keep it, and be fulfilled.
My state of mind may never change.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Management
Listening to MGMT brings a subliminal feeling to my bones.
My mind flashes to speeding down I75, 35, 635 in the Saab or Beemer. The closest escape to nirvana. Coming home from Dallas, a small escape inside the city, seeing interesting things that I've yet to experience. Not really talking on the ride, but just enjoying what's left of the trip home, back to parents, family, friends, fights, letdowns.
For a minute it feels good to be 'Kids' again...
You were a child, crawling on your knees towards it.
Making momma so proud, but your voice is too loud.
We like to watch you laughing, you pick the insects off plants.
No time to think of consequences
Control yourself; take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
Control yourself; take only what you need from him.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
The water's warm but it's sending me shivers.
A baby is born crying out for attention.
Memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror.
Decisions decisions are made, not bought.
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not.
Control yourself; take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
Control yourself; take only what you need from him.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
My mind flashes to speeding down I75, 35, 635 in the Saab or Beemer. The closest escape to nirvana. Coming home from Dallas, a small escape inside the city, seeing interesting things that I've yet to experience. Not really talking on the ride, but just enjoying what's left of the trip home, back to parents, family, friends, fights, letdowns.
For a minute it feels good to be 'Kids' again...
You were a child, crawling on your knees towards it.
Making momma so proud, but your voice is too loud.
We like to watch you laughing, you pick the insects off plants.
No time to think of consequences
Control yourself; take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
Control yourself; take only what you need from him.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
The water's warm but it's sending me shivers.
A baby is born crying out for attention.
Memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror.
Decisions decisions are made, not bought.
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not.
Control yourself; take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
Control yourself; take only what you need from him.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I'm so thankful I'm having days off now. I've never felt so gracious about free time just to lay in my bed.
Next week my family is going to San Antonio, for some R and R. I'm ready to leave. It's going to be nice just to wake up in a nice hotel and lay around in the lazy river, eat Mexican food, and stop play in Austin. I think the general population feels the need to vacation to grab a mere escape. No matter how perfect one's life may seem, one figures something is wrong in their life, and the sensation of leaving time and town behind for even a few days, makes everything that occurs there (body and mind) stay behind and out of sight.
Hopefully, it's going to cure my worries, at least temporarily when I leave.
"Pass it on"
Next week my family is going to San Antonio, for some R and R. I'm ready to leave. It's going to be nice just to wake up in a nice hotel and lay around in the lazy river, eat Mexican food, and stop play in Austin. I think the general population feels the need to vacation to grab a mere escape. No matter how perfect one's life may seem, one figures something is wrong in their life, and the sensation of leaving time and town behind for even a few days, makes everything that occurs there (body and mind) stay behind and out of sight.
Hopefully, it's going to cure my worries, at least temporarily when I leave.
"Pass it on"
I don't know what I want in a new relationship, but I can surely without fail say that I know I don't want anything that's been accumilated in my past relationships. Each have been full of selfishness and false promises. I'm so sick of hopes and plans only to be shattered to the floor and blown away with the changing winds of a new season.
It's got to end sometime, right? It's got to start making progress sooner or later, right?
Once again, I've been lead to believe that should give something a try again. Ha, only to find it was merely a gimic. I, of course, get 'fucked over' and emotionaly fucked as well. I guess some people can have emotionly detatched relations and physical mornings, but I just can't do it, not when I formally fell in love with them. It just can't be done for me.
So here I am left, to pick up the pieces of myself and try to forget and move on, but the temptation is always there. I am always reminded somehow. Even after progressing days without a thought, or memory, something will spark a thought in my head about something that has happened, and the whole charade arises again. I can't take it.
If someone could just explain how to make this better and to go away altogether, I would appreciate it. But if it's just hypothetical bullshit, I'd rather you just stay away.
Not to mention, this situation makes me vulnerable. And people know that.
They make slight moves and hints. They think I don't know that I realize they're taking apart in my vulnerability, my search for some closure. And yes, they're accomplishing things by making it harder for me and tempting with thoughts of being accepted and wanted again. But I just want that to stop as well.
"if it's love, you don't have to work at it"
Such a stupid simple quote, from such a stereotypical hollywood romance, but it's right in so many ways.
It's got to end sometime, right? It's got to start making progress sooner or later, right?
Once again, I've been lead to believe that should give something a try again. Ha, only to find it was merely a gimic. I, of course, get 'fucked over' and emotionaly fucked as well. I guess some people can have emotionly detatched relations and physical mornings, but I just can't do it, not when I formally fell in love with them. It just can't be done for me.
So here I am left, to pick up the pieces of myself and try to forget and move on, but the temptation is always there. I am always reminded somehow. Even after progressing days without a thought, or memory, something will spark a thought in my head about something that has happened, and the whole charade arises again. I can't take it.
If someone could just explain how to make this better and to go away altogether, I would appreciate it. But if it's just hypothetical bullshit, I'd rather you just stay away.
Not to mention, this situation makes me vulnerable. And people know that.
They make slight moves and hints. They think I don't know that I realize they're taking apart in my vulnerability, my search for some closure. And yes, they're accomplishing things by making it harder for me and tempting with thoughts of being accepted and wanted again. But I just want that to stop as well.
"if it's love, you don't have to work at it"
Such a stupid simple quote, from such a stereotypical hollywood romance, but it's right in so many ways.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
It's funny how old friends wedge into your life at weird timing.
I've been working non-stop, and I'm ready for a day off. Thank goodness tomorrow Brendan and I are going jet skiing. Yay, some relaxation in the sun. I work in it all day, but it's not the same as just relaxing.
Tonight was Kalyn's birthday so we went to Asahi with her mom, dad, Alex and Brendan and ate sushi and hibachi. Yum. It's my favorite food. I'm starting to be more open to sashimi. Mm. We went back to her house and had some cake and opened presents. It was a good off work time too. I enjoyed it. Even though I went home around 9:30, it was a good time off.
Everyone's leaving for the fourth of July. Brendan and Kayln are leaving on Friday. What to do without my two best buddies. I'm not sure. I won't doubt there will be loads of time for me to be by myself and think in a sharp haze, if you know what I'm getting at. I'm feeling some cable t.v. time.
I've been working non-stop, and I'm ready for a day off. Thank goodness tomorrow Brendan and I are going jet skiing. Yay, some relaxation in the sun. I work in it all day, but it's not the same as just relaxing.
Tonight was Kalyn's birthday so we went to Asahi with her mom, dad, Alex and Brendan and ate sushi and hibachi. Yum. It's my favorite food. I'm starting to be more open to sashimi. Mm. We went back to her house and had some cake and opened presents. It was a good off work time too. I enjoyed it. Even though I went home around 9:30, it was a good time off.
Everyone's leaving for the fourth of July. Brendan and Kayln are leaving on Friday. What to do without my two best buddies. I'm not sure. I won't doubt there will be loads of time for me to be by myself and think in a sharp haze, if you know what I'm getting at. I'm feeling some cable t.v. time.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Schedule
New life style:
-Work
-Pass out from work
-Wake up
-Watch friends get hurt
-Watch myself make healthy decisions
Repeat!
And the only thing that's upsetting in that list above would have the be the friends getting hurt portion. Oh yea, and work.
I don't even blow my whistle anymore at the self centered children any more, if they fall, that's their own problem. I hand out the bandaids anyways. I'm glad our city has entrusted the lives of children in me.
I'm also wondering if smoking pot is worthwhile for anyone really. I mean I understand why people do, I've been there, but the side effects are miraculous. Not the normal you see on commercials. Nah, the more heartfelt stuff. The laziness in relationships. It makes you so lazy, that you're too lethargic to care for someone even though you want to. Worthwhile?
-Work
-Pass out from work
-Wake up
-Watch friends get hurt
-Watch myself make healthy decisions
Repeat!
And the only thing that's upsetting in that list above would have the be the friends getting hurt portion. Oh yea, and work.
I don't even blow my whistle anymore at the self centered children any more, if they fall, that's their own problem. I hand out the bandaids anyways. I'm glad our city has entrusted the lives of children in me.
I'm also wondering if smoking pot is worthwhile for anyone really. I mean I understand why people do, I've been there, but the side effects are miraculous. Not the normal you see on commercials. Nah, the more heartfelt stuff. The laziness in relationships. It makes you so lazy, that you're too lethargic to care for someone even though you want to. Worthwhile?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
purple
Hazy summer night.
Being the only girl as usual. Unsure and incapable of knowing anyone or anything around me in the daze I was checking into.
I needed to get out. That very second. I was panicked on the inside, quiet and querulous on the outside.
I got home and no one left me alone. So I sunk into my head in bed, the only open place for me to go anymore. It doesn't judge my judgment and I want it to stay that way. I thought about all the things everyone always says about it. I started to believe it. I started to realize my true feelings that are always suppressed. Ever since day one, I knew they couldn't be true; the ruining sort. It would have to be fake, a joke, too friendly. But now the more and more hurt I see welling into you, the more and more stronger this anger grows. Anger out of care.
It's stupid and pointless.I don't know what I want. But when I listen to the album I know it was written about this incarcerating situation.
Being the only girl as usual. Unsure and incapable of knowing anyone or anything around me in the daze I was checking into.
I needed to get out. That very second. I was panicked on the inside, quiet and querulous on the outside.
I got home and no one left me alone. So I sunk into my head in bed, the only open place for me to go anymore. It doesn't judge my judgment and I want it to stay that way. I thought about all the things everyone always says about it. I started to believe it. I started to realize my true feelings that are always suppressed. Ever since day one, I knew they couldn't be true; the ruining sort. It would have to be fake, a joke, too friendly. But now the more and more hurt I see welling into you, the more and more stronger this anger grows. Anger out of care.
It's stupid and pointless.I don't know what I want. But when I listen to the album I know it was written about this incarcerating situation.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
dede
Its become a whole new game. i could deal with it. the darting eyes, the silence, but now it has gone too far with no reservations.
this laptop sucks by the way.
being a complete imbusil and being as rude as you possible can is completely unnecessary. I have done nothing to initiate it at all, and it's really uncalled for. it makes me despise you. i never had a hatred or disliking, just a discontent with the situation. but now, now it is different. there is a disdain when i look upon you and i wish i had never met you. i am disappointed that i could have been associated with such foul actors.
I don't think it about all of the actors, mainly just two.
one because they're the instigator, and frankly the situation has nothing whatsoever to do with them. The other, doesn't even have a place in this and I wish would just take the highroad. apparently that's too much to ask from such jackasses.
I haven't spoken any rude words until this day. Because it has gone far enough. I'm sick of it, and sick of you.
If you're so over me, then be done with it, stop carrying on. I've gotten over it mainly because I see it cannot be reversed and after seeing the way things have panned out, even if they could be reversed I'm not sure I could associate with that. I am now just finally standing up for myself.
Done
*this does not pertain to a simple individual, and more than likely the wrong person will get the wrong impression that it is him/her, so don't even take it personally.
this laptop sucks by the way.
being a complete imbusil and being as rude as you possible can is completely unnecessary. I have done nothing to initiate it at all, and it's really uncalled for. it makes me despise you. i never had a hatred or disliking, just a discontent with the situation. but now, now it is different. there is a disdain when i look upon you and i wish i had never met you. i am disappointed that i could have been associated with such foul actors.
I don't think it about all of the actors, mainly just two.
one because they're the instigator, and frankly the situation has nothing whatsoever to do with them. The other, doesn't even have a place in this and I wish would just take the highroad. apparently that's too much to ask from such jackasses.
I haven't spoken any rude words until this day. Because it has gone far enough. I'm sick of it, and sick of you.
If you're so over me, then be done with it, stop carrying on. I've gotten over it mainly because I see it cannot be reversed and after seeing the way things have panned out, even if they could be reversed I'm not sure I could associate with that. I am now just finally standing up for myself.
Done
*this does not pertain to a simple individual, and more than likely the wrong person will get the wrong impression that it is him/her, so don't even take it personally.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
really too late
I don't know about this mood that I'm in is all about.
Lately things have been so great and I've kept my mind off things. But tonight, it's all sinking back in. So much is sinking back in.
It's all I can do to not burst out into tears. For what reason? I'm not really sure, everything, I guess? I met with Steven on thursday. The usual things happened. He wants to try again. I don't know what that will do to me. I'm not sure if its the right move. Half of me pushes yes, because I love him and I always have some yearning for him. Half of me holds onto the door because I know what will most likely come of it. We'll both get frusterated with a situation and I'll end up upset and put out and things will be called off.
I just want someone to love and take care of me.
I want it so bad. I want someone to want me.
So typical, its not even funny
Lately things have been so great and I've kept my mind off things. But tonight, it's all sinking back in. So much is sinking back in.
It's all I can do to not burst out into tears. For what reason? I'm not really sure, everything, I guess? I met with Steven on thursday. The usual things happened. He wants to try again. I don't know what that will do to me. I'm not sure if its the right move. Half of me pushes yes, because I love him and I always have some yearning for him. Half of me holds onto the door because I know what will most likely come of it. We'll both get frusterated with a situation and I'll end up upset and put out and things will be called off.
I just want someone to love and take care of me.
I want it so bad. I want someone to want me.
So typical, its not even funny
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Hm. I'm really contimplative, but really, what else is new?
I'm looking forward to getting out of town and going to houston this weekend. I Really need my best friend Anna right now. This weeks has been topsy turvey and I just need to fall on her couch and have our friend time. Four hours sucks, but it makes the time we spend ten times better. I know she's been having a rough time too with all her friend problems so I'm happy we're consoling each other.
I walked into the bathroom today, and who would even know that finally getting a red week would make me so cheerful. But it really relieved alot of stress. I ran out and told Brendan how happy I was, but he didn't believe to soley peeing made me happy. So shutup Brendan. I know it doesn't really mean anything but, it gives me some hope.
I'm not really sure what to make of my status right now. I'm so in between like ten different things, my head is a huge mess. Ugh, who knew all those days I sat wondering why I was never attractive or desireable would be wanted back because now that I am, it's quite overwhelming.
Horror, I know. But men are not easy, to say the least.
I'm looking forward to getting out of town and going to houston this weekend. I Really need my best friend Anna right now. This weeks has been topsy turvey and I just need to fall on her couch and have our friend time. Four hours sucks, but it makes the time we spend ten times better. I know she's been having a rough time too with all her friend problems so I'm happy we're consoling each other.
I walked into the bathroom today, and who would even know that finally getting a red week would make me so cheerful. But it really relieved alot of stress. I ran out and told Brendan how happy I was, but he didn't believe to soley peeing made me happy. So shutup Brendan. I know it doesn't really mean anything but, it gives me some hope.
I'm not really sure what to make of my status right now. I'm so in between like ten different things, my head is a huge mess. Ugh, who knew all those days I sat wondering why I was never attractive or desireable would be wanted back because now that I am, it's quite overwhelming.
Horror, I know. But men are not easy, to say the least.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Nothing to regret. I really don't regret.
Everything was fun about this past weekend.
Mostly everything.
First the day started a nine fuck o clock, because Bridge made nail appointments that early. Geez. Kalyn, Bridge, Danny, and I went to get pedicures. Hah, It was Danny's first time and I couldn't stop laughing, and making fun of him. Oops. Obviously, I hadn't eaten and my killer stomach set in and was desperate for food, so we stopped to get some breakfast afterwards. We made Danny pay for all of it, sweet. I also pulled some gnarley dance moves for a preview of what was coming that night. It was pretty disgusting if I do say so.
I Went home and took a nap around noon. and then I drove over to Bridgette's so she could work on my hair. I was sitting holding a piece of hair and all the sudden I couldn't see or hear and felt like I was going to throw up, so I guzzled some water and everything came back to normal. Strrrraange. I ran to go pick up Danny's boutineer because I forgot about it, and finished getting ready back at my house.
I had to be at Kalyns by 4:30 so I went over there only to find out, I forgot my jewlery and Danny's boutineer. Opps! My mom had to go and bring it to me.Which didnt really matter because of course my date was the last one there! We suffered through pictures, oh yes, and the 95 degree weather. Oh jesus christ. Hot. They all looked pretty gross, but finally, our bus was there!
We got on the party bus, all 26 of us, minus Garrett and Kalyn who drove there. We got to dinner, at Pappas Stakehouse and realized Garrett and Kalyn aren't there. Turns out, they got lost for about an hour. Things got even better when our waitor turned out to be an asshole. He kept making Bridge feel dumb that she didn't have a date. But then he got nice and creepy and started hitting on Bridgette. *notice, this man is about 50. WE finally left dinner and decided to head over to the dance.
The dance was no more than depressing but it's okay, we quickly exited. We got back and changed and then headed off to our hotel. Too many drinks and a dr. Pepper later, I was ready to pee. I headed for our bathroom only to find the door locked. this thoroughly pissed me off, seeing as how I was about to pee in my pants. I pretty much knocked the door down only to find yet again, about five boys doing lines of coke. I went about my peeing business and then told Kalyn and we decided it would be best to leave. Kalyn, Danny, Kody and I decided to go back to Kody's house and hang out.
Of course when we got there, I played with Lilly, I love that dog. Then I insisted that Kalyn take mac photos with me, then we got Adam and Kody in on it, and added lilly as well. Kalyn passed out right after that, but I was still strung up so we decided to go swimming. Or more so, I decided we would go swimming. The pool was locked :( But I did learn how to drive Kody's car. Not really, but at least I tried.
We fell asleep around 5:30 finally. But my phone rang around 6 so I decided to just head home.
Needless to say I needed a day to sleep off the night before, and I woke up finally and then just went to the lake and relaxed there. It was a good day. I'm still exahusted and I think I won't be able to catch up on sleep. And let's just say driving to hotel and back today was not fun at alllll.
Everything was fun about this past weekend.
Mostly everything.
First the day started a nine fuck o clock, because Bridge made nail appointments that early. Geez. Kalyn, Bridge, Danny, and I went to get pedicures. Hah, It was Danny's first time and I couldn't stop laughing, and making fun of him. Oops. Obviously, I hadn't eaten and my killer stomach set in and was desperate for food, so we stopped to get some breakfast afterwards. We made Danny pay for all of it, sweet. I also pulled some gnarley dance moves for a preview of what was coming that night. It was pretty disgusting if I do say so.
I Went home and took a nap around noon. and then I drove over to Bridgette's so she could work on my hair. I was sitting holding a piece of hair and all the sudden I couldn't see or hear and felt like I was going to throw up, so I guzzled some water and everything came back to normal. Strrrraange. I ran to go pick up Danny's boutineer because I forgot about it, and finished getting ready back at my house.
I had to be at Kalyns by 4:30 so I went over there only to find out, I forgot my jewlery and Danny's boutineer. Opps! My mom had to go and bring it to me.Which didnt really matter because of course my date was the last one there! We suffered through pictures, oh yes, and the 95 degree weather. Oh jesus christ. Hot. They all looked pretty gross, but finally, our bus was there!
We got on the party bus, all 26 of us, minus Garrett and Kalyn who drove there. We got to dinner, at Pappas Stakehouse and realized Garrett and Kalyn aren't there. Turns out, they got lost for about an hour. Things got even better when our waitor turned out to be an asshole. He kept making Bridge feel dumb that she didn't have a date. But then he got nice and creepy and started hitting on Bridgette. *notice, this man is about 50. WE finally left dinner and decided to head over to the dance.
The dance was no more than depressing but it's okay, we quickly exited. We got back and changed and then headed off to our hotel. Too many drinks and a dr. Pepper later, I was ready to pee. I headed for our bathroom only to find the door locked. this thoroughly pissed me off, seeing as how I was about to pee in my pants. I pretty much knocked the door down only to find yet again, about five boys doing lines of coke. I went about my peeing business and then told Kalyn and we decided it would be best to leave. Kalyn, Danny, Kody and I decided to go back to Kody's house and hang out.
Of course when we got there, I played with Lilly, I love that dog. Then I insisted that Kalyn take mac photos with me, then we got Adam and Kody in on it, and added lilly as well. Kalyn passed out right after that, but I was still strung up so we decided to go swimming. Or more so, I decided we would go swimming. The pool was locked :( But I did learn how to drive Kody's car. Not really, but at least I tried.
We fell asleep around 5:30 finally. But my phone rang around 6 so I decided to just head home.
Needless to say I needed a day to sleep off the night before, and I woke up finally and then just went to the lake and relaxed there. It was a good day. I'm still exahusted and I think I won't be able to catch up on sleep. And let's just say driving to hotel and back today was not fun at alllll.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I'm a real girl!
I guess it's part of every girl's life.
The phantasmagoric vibes from getting to dress up a little.
Highschool prom, so typical.
Yet so thrilling
The phantasmagoric vibes from getting to dress up a little.
Highschool prom, so typical.
Yet so thrilling
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
what what?!
I have decided to end this pessimistic week. It's done and over. I am beginning something new in my life, I'm not quite sure exactly what it is, but it shall be great.
I woke up this morning to my mom calling my phone to ironcily ask if I was up yet(I told her yes, but im guessing the confused drowsy voice gave me away). Turns out, I mean I only woke an hour late hah. Guess I wasn't going to make it to the hotel on time. Not to mention the downpour made getting up even harder.
Instead of letting me go and get ready for work, my mother decides to give me, in depth, a description of the airport and the kind of hardships she has experienced trying to get on her plane this morning. She is flying to Lubbock to help my sister pack and drive home with her and Emily to come stay at home for the summer. *oops, I'm supposed to be cooking for them now.
Lets just say I did a fantastic job making myself look presentable for work and school today. Haha, yeah, in about fifteen minutes. I rushed and grabbed my obnoxious bright umbreller(using new york speak) and ran out the door. ONLY TO FIND my car not in the driveway?! Honestly, how could someone steal that beast of a truck, it just couldn't happen. But in my paranoid mind, hahah, I conclude that's what has happened and call my mom who then tells me, she had the notion to put it in the garage. I really have no idea how that happened, because the truck is about three times the size of the slot for one car? My parents are magicians. I Guess.
And of course, I figured out my dad drove my truck, because i couldnt reach the pedals. Ha. I immediately get stuck in a surreal amount of traffic all along 3040-Flower Mound Road. Ughhh. I sat through about five lights(at the same light mind you) by the time I passed over 2499. I saw walgreens on my right and suddenly just had a craving for The Strawberry Twizzlers, the ones you can peel you know? So I made a quick right and sped to the door.
By the time I get back in the car it's about 8:55. Well, 9:06 is when I'm late and I'm about a good ten-fiteen minutes away. Hah. Needless to say I hauled ass, and right as I am about to turn onto the Valley Drive, I hear a funny noise. I Conclude:THE TIRE. Whether it's flat, or off, or just retarded, I don't know yet. It's pouring rain and I'm going to be late. I speed into the parking lot and see Brittney and I jump out and we decide(since we're completely car experts) that maybe it's deflating. Who knows?
At the Hotel, I had to call about a package that we never recieved but ordered almost a month ago. The lady on the other line was just way too into her job. I put her on speaker so Brittney and I could laugh at her. So kill me if I laughed at her expense.
*right at this very moment triple a is calling and leaving a message on our phone, and the guy has the worst lisp I've ever heard. It's one of those recordings. Now comeon, I know that company has enough money to hire someone to record who doesn't have a crucial speech impairment.
I get to school, and instead of making sure I'm prepared for our huge exam on friday, Brendan and I continuously slack off. it's really great. We have correctly found out how many rows and columns are in connect four the game, so we draw a board on our papers and play.
We're pathetic really.
I really need to study alot, but I have no ethic. And I need to somewhat make some part of dinner for the family, since no ones home, but that won't happen.
I'm an accomplished person.
-Julie
I woke up this morning to my mom calling my phone to ironcily ask if I was up yet(I told her yes, but im guessing the confused drowsy voice gave me away). Turns out, I mean I only woke an hour late hah. Guess I wasn't going to make it to the hotel on time. Not to mention the downpour made getting up even harder.
Instead of letting me go and get ready for work, my mother decides to give me, in depth, a description of the airport and the kind of hardships she has experienced trying to get on her plane this morning. She is flying to Lubbock to help my sister pack and drive home with her and Emily to come stay at home for the summer. *oops, I'm supposed to be cooking for them now.
Lets just say I did a fantastic job making myself look presentable for work and school today. Haha, yeah, in about fifteen minutes. I rushed and grabbed my obnoxious bright umbreller(using new york speak) and ran out the door. ONLY TO FIND my car not in the driveway?! Honestly, how could someone steal that beast of a truck, it just couldn't happen. But in my paranoid mind, hahah, I conclude that's what has happened and call my mom who then tells me, she had the notion to put it in the garage. I really have no idea how that happened, because the truck is about three times the size of the slot for one car? My parents are magicians. I Guess.
And of course, I figured out my dad drove my truck, because i couldnt reach the pedals. Ha. I immediately get stuck in a surreal amount of traffic all along 3040-Flower Mound Road. Ughhh. I sat through about five lights(at the same light mind you) by the time I passed over 2499. I saw walgreens on my right and suddenly just had a craving for The Strawberry Twizzlers, the ones you can peel you know? So I made a quick right and sped to the door.
By the time I get back in the car it's about 8:55. Well, 9:06 is when I'm late and I'm about a good ten-fiteen minutes away. Hah. Needless to say I hauled ass, and right as I am about to turn onto the Valley Drive, I hear a funny noise. I Conclude:THE TIRE. Whether it's flat, or off, or just retarded, I don't know yet. It's pouring rain and I'm going to be late. I speed into the parking lot and see Brittney and I jump out and we decide(since we're completely car experts) that maybe it's deflating. Who knows?
At the Hotel, I had to call about a package that we never recieved but ordered almost a month ago. The lady on the other line was just way too into her job. I put her on speaker so Brittney and I could laugh at her. So kill me if I laughed at her expense.
*right at this very moment triple a is calling and leaving a message on our phone, and the guy has the worst lisp I've ever heard. It's one of those recordings. Now comeon, I know that company has enough money to hire someone to record who doesn't have a crucial speech impairment.
I get to school, and instead of making sure I'm prepared for our huge exam on friday, Brendan and I continuously slack off. it's really great. We have correctly found out how many rows and columns are in connect four the game, so we draw a board on our papers and play.
We're pathetic really.
I really need to study alot, but I have no ethic. And I need to somewhat make some part of dinner for the family, since no ones home, but that won't happen.
I'm an accomplished person.
-Julie
Monday, May 5, 2008
mnbyyyfhdd
I couldn't really think of a good title. Woo, lack of skill today.
My arms are really sore. The kind of feeling after you work out for a couple of hours, but I didn't work out, nor do I ever. So that's a little odd.
I don't really know if Steven and I are broken up, I'm going to go with yes, but who really knows. Great position to be in, I know. I'm really not going to asorb myself with the overwhelming-ness(word?) on that now.
Right now, I have so much studying to do. With advanced exams coming on friday, and having a huge review packet due, and everything else, I'm just going to be too preoccupied to care. And frankly, that's okay with me.
I guess this is weird for me, I've never been the emotional type in any of my relationships. I've always been really laid back, I never get too attached, and I find the positive when things don't work out.
But driving home last saturday morning I really surprised myself when I got in the car muttering about how angry at myself I was and I actually cried. Not the gross, sniffly kind. The kind where about fifty tears come out all at once, quick, easy, and painless. The ones that don't even make a mess with makeup or make your eyes red. I don't know why I was crying, maybe because I felt used.
I actually used the 'indulge' girl method when you're upset. But I didn't buy chocolate, just Jamba Juice haha.
Then on the way home from the movie on Sunday by myself, it happened again! What is this?! Why am I actually being affected? I think maybe I have just kept a lot of things bottled up inside for tooooo long.
Or maybe, for once, I really care about something, and want what's best for me. Instead of putting someone else first.
Is this too selfish?
My arms are really sore. The kind of feeling after you work out for a couple of hours, but I didn't work out, nor do I ever. So that's a little odd.
I don't really know if Steven and I are broken up, I'm going to go with yes, but who really knows. Great position to be in, I know. I'm really not going to asorb myself with the overwhelming-ness(word?) on that now.
Right now, I have so much studying to do. With advanced exams coming on friday, and having a huge review packet due, and everything else, I'm just going to be too preoccupied to care. And frankly, that's okay with me.
I guess this is weird for me, I've never been the emotional type in any of my relationships. I've always been really laid back, I never get too attached, and I find the positive when things don't work out.
But driving home last saturday morning I really surprised myself when I got in the car muttering about how angry at myself I was and I actually cried. Not the gross, sniffly kind. The kind where about fifty tears come out all at once, quick, easy, and painless. The ones that don't even make a mess with makeup or make your eyes red. I don't know why I was crying, maybe because I felt used.
I actually used the 'indulge' girl method when you're upset. But I didn't buy chocolate, just Jamba Juice haha.
Then on the way home from the movie on Sunday by myself, it happened again! What is this?! Why am I actually being affected? I think maybe I have just kept a lot of things bottled up inside for tooooo long.
Or maybe, for once, I really care about something, and want what's best for me. Instead of putting someone else first.
Is this too selfish?
Sunday, May 4, 2008
I guess today was just meant to be speant in the lonesome. I finished the defensive driving. Thankfully passed, I mean, I slept through a good two-three sections of it. I put off shopping for jewlery with my mother, thank god, she has been especially overbearing lately and I can't take any more of it. I wanted to go see a movie, or buy new sunglasses, see someone. But everyone was either busy, or just didn't care enough to contact me back.
I ended up going to see a movie by myself. Refreshing I guess. Hot tears of course streamed down my face for most of the movie. Romanitcism gets me. But they didn't really stop once I left the theatre, nor on the drive home. I've been an emotional wreck since yesterday, and I don't know what to make of it.
The only thing worse than not having it, is having it half.
Cant. I just can't.
I ended up going to see a movie by myself. Refreshing I guess. Hot tears of course streamed down my face for most of the movie. Romanitcism gets me. But they didn't really stop once I left the theatre, nor on the drive home. I've been an emotional wreck since yesterday, and I don't know what to make of it.
The only thing worse than not having it, is having it half.
Cant. I just can't.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
insomnia at its finest
I didn't fall asleep at all last night until around 5:30 a.m.
Which I ended up crashing and passing out during three hours of hospitality.
I don't have my phone, which turns out to be a royal pain in my ass..
I haven't had it since ten o'clock this morning. Fuck it.
I'm happy I went to Kalyn's for dinner with Danny and Garrett. The food was so good. So was dessert and it made babysitting easier because I came to work in a good mood.
It seems like May tenth is getting closer and closer and I'm becoming more and more giddy. I really can't contain my happiness. Things have just been going my way lately, and I hope it momentarily stays like this. I could use a nice streak of good events, but we'll see...
Interesting night to say the least...eh.....
Which I ended up crashing and passing out during three hours of hospitality.
I don't have my phone, which turns out to be a royal pain in my ass..
I haven't had it since ten o'clock this morning. Fuck it.
I'm happy I went to Kalyn's for dinner with Danny and Garrett. The food was so good. So was dessert and it made babysitting easier because I came to work in a good mood.
It seems like May tenth is getting closer and closer and I'm becoming more and more giddy. I really can't contain my happiness. Things have just been going my way lately, and I hope it momentarily stays like this. I could use a nice streak of good events, but we'll see...
Interesting night to say the least...eh.....
Sunday, April 27, 2008
emaciation
is lovelllllyyy.
I just woke up from a five hour long nap. I really couldn't feel much better. My dreams are so lifelike again that when I woke up, I really wasn't sure if that had actually happened. I had to check my text message inbox to see if I had really recieved some text messages that were really in my dream. If only the dreams had been real. I guess they are just telling me the right decision I should be making.
After spending last night with multiple alcoholic drinks in my system and being completely avaliable, I realized that even though it's complicated, I'd rather have it than anything else. I long for it and I guess that's what makes it the best.
fucked up relationships draw me in, what can I say?
on the down side, my knee is swollen from G-diddy smashing it in the car last night. yum.
I just woke up from a five hour long nap. I really couldn't feel much better. My dreams are so lifelike again that when I woke up, I really wasn't sure if that had actually happened. I had to check my text message inbox to see if I had really recieved some text messages that were really in my dream. If only the dreams had been real. I guess they are just telling me the right decision I should be making.
After spending last night with multiple alcoholic drinks in my system and being completely avaliable, I realized that even though it's complicated, I'd rather have it than anything else. I long for it and I guess that's what makes it the best.
fucked up relationships draw me in, what can I say?
on the down side, my knee is swollen from G-diddy smashing it in the car last night. yum.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Clear water
I guess I need to clear things up for some of us. Yes, I used to care, I used to be upset.
But now, Now I'm just slightly mad. I realize how much better, greater, it really is without all this pathetic bullshit.
How shitty you treated me, how we were only friends when you wanted to be, when you needed me, when you felt like it.
It's done. If you can't appreciate me for who I am, then I don't need you around.
No hard feelings, I just don't want anyone to get the notion that I feel like I deserve you, or that I regret the situation I'm in. I served my punishment. It's over. So now it's everyone else's turn to get over it.
Be decent, really.
But now, Now I'm just slightly mad. I realize how much better, greater, it really is without all this pathetic bullshit.
How shitty you treated me, how we were only friends when you wanted to be, when you needed me, when you felt like it.
It's done. If you can't appreciate me for who I am, then I don't need you around.
No hard feelings, I just don't want anyone to get the notion that I feel like I deserve you, or that I regret the situation I'm in. I served my punishment. It's over. So now it's everyone else's turn to get over it.
Be decent, really.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
When it rains,
It pours.
I never thought that hip little quote would be somewhat relevant in my life, but ohhhh is it ever now.
I think last night was one of the worst ones I've had in a long time. Pouring was probably the theme of the night. I got back from my training, which was slightly amusing.. not quite. I was really sick and my nose was running already, head was compacted, ears stuffed, and head throbbing. I layed down in my bed, unshowered, putting off anything and everything until this morning.
I was nodding off respectively when I heard my father scream, "turn off your t.v., I'm coming upstairs!" My television wasn't even on, but I just accepted that and turned on my light for the room. He bursted in and immediately grabbed my car keys off my dresser and screamed about how I'm 'so goddamned lazy" and how I didn't listen to my mother. I was to only be driven by her for the rest of the week and I wasn't allowed to go anywhere today until he had gotten home.
I was really taken back by this that by the time I asked "why am I being punished?" he was all the way down the stairs.
I was told I didn't clean my room like my mother had told me to(she didn't say) and that I needed to take a test tomorrow(I didn't)
So I replied, "I don't have test to make up"
dad, "MAKE UP THAT TEST TOMORROW"
Me, "I don't have a test to make up!"
dad, "YOU WILL MAKE THAT TEST UP TOMORROW"
Me, "I-DON'T-HAVE-A-TEST-TO-MAKE-UP!"
He ran back upstairs and flew into my room and promptly punched my wall in his lame efforts, if I do say so, to 'scare me'.
I'll provide the picture of the massive hole in my wall momentarily.
In fact his efforts were so lame, that I infact laughed at his childish antics.
He continued to scream and when my mother overheard his yelling about a 'hole' she immediately flew upstairs. She then proceeded to be yelled at by my father who told her he now had another problem: the wall. I told her she never told me to clean my room and that I didn't have a test to make up.
I got on my computer and brought up my grade sheet and indeed, proved her wrong.
My father proceeded to go on a rampage of my mother causing all these problems for nothing. Which of course, she can't be blamed for anything, the woman had to find something else to yell about. She called me lazy, un-satisfactory ect...
I was told to clean my room and go to bed. I walked into my closet and it seemed when all the papers began falling off the shelf in an array, the tears fell simultaneously. I couldn't compose myself, thoughts of these past two weeks drowned my mind and overflowed into the tears dripping off my chin.
I didn't stop crying until the wee hours of the morning, which didn't make waking up any easier.
I just wish things became easier as the days go by, but opposite effects are due.
I never thought that hip little quote would be somewhat relevant in my life, but ohhhh is it ever now.
I think last night was one of the worst ones I've had in a long time. Pouring was probably the theme of the night. I got back from my training, which was slightly amusing.. not quite. I was really sick and my nose was running already, head was compacted, ears stuffed, and head throbbing. I layed down in my bed, unshowered, putting off anything and everything until this morning.
I was nodding off respectively when I heard my father scream, "turn off your t.v., I'm coming upstairs!" My television wasn't even on, but I just accepted that and turned on my light for the room. He bursted in and immediately grabbed my car keys off my dresser and screamed about how I'm 'so goddamned lazy" and how I didn't listen to my mother. I was to only be driven by her for the rest of the week and I wasn't allowed to go anywhere today until he had gotten home.
I was really taken back by this that by the time I asked "why am I being punished?" he was all the way down the stairs.
I was told I didn't clean my room like my mother had told me to(she didn't say) and that I needed to take a test tomorrow(I didn't)
So I replied, "I don't have test to make up"
dad, "MAKE UP THAT TEST TOMORROW"
Me, "I don't have a test to make up!"
dad, "YOU WILL MAKE THAT TEST UP TOMORROW"
Me, "I-DON'T-HAVE-A-TEST-TO-MAKE-UP!"
He ran back upstairs and flew into my room and promptly punched my wall in his lame efforts, if I do say so, to 'scare me'.
I'll provide the picture of the massive hole in my wall momentarily.
In fact his efforts were so lame, that I infact laughed at his childish antics.
He continued to scream and when my mother overheard his yelling about a 'hole' she immediately flew upstairs. She then proceeded to be yelled at by my father who told her he now had another problem: the wall. I told her she never told me to clean my room and that I didn't have a test to make up.
I got on my computer and brought up my grade sheet and indeed, proved her wrong.
My father proceeded to go on a rampage of my mother causing all these problems for nothing. Which of course, she can't be blamed for anything, the woman had to find something else to yell about. She called me lazy, un-satisfactory ect...
I was told to clean my room and go to bed. I walked into my closet and it seemed when all the papers began falling off the shelf in an array, the tears fell simultaneously. I couldn't compose myself, thoughts of these past two weeks drowned my mind and overflowed into the tears dripping off my chin.
I didn't stop crying until the wee hours of the morning, which didn't make waking up any easier.
I just wish things became easier as the days go by, but opposite effects are due.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Long and Latitudal
Annoying really, are my feelings.
I guess it was bound to happen, I don't know why I expected anything different. It's come to this point so many times that I couldn't take it seriously. We made valid points: It's a waste, It's a joke, It's dumb, It's pointless, It's harmful, It's hard, It's complication.
Points, or excuses.
It didn't hit me until someone yelled at me that night, and the walls came crashing down. The yelling shattered the glass around my frame and all was vulnerable and the tears were released from their aquariam sheild.
I don't want things to just be memories. But once again in the relationship, I'm the dirt and walk away ripped.
It's fine.
I lied, it's not fine. At all.
It didn't make sense to talk to everyone at school and say my last was...
One time I...
Past tense! You ruin it.
I guess somehow I see Steven being the easy way out, but I turn my head and see Steven as the hardest moutain to climb. I guess my worries are useless.
It's over and done, another heartbreak for the tally board. And coincidently, a former heartbreak is coming to town. Timing sucks.
I guess it was bound to happen, I don't know why I expected anything different. It's come to this point so many times that I couldn't take it seriously. We made valid points: It's a waste, It's a joke, It's dumb, It's pointless, It's harmful, It's hard, It's complication.
Points, or excuses.
It didn't hit me until someone yelled at me that night, and the walls came crashing down. The yelling shattered the glass around my frame and all was vulnerable and the tears were released from their aquariam sheild.
I don't want things to just be memories. But once again in the relationship, I'm the dirt and walk away ripped.
It's fine.
I lied, it's not fine. At all.
It didn't make sense to talk to everyone at school and say my last was...
One time I...
Past tense! You ruin it.
I guess somehow I see Steven being the easy way out, but I turn my head and see Steven as the hardest moutain to climb. I guess my worries are useless.
It's over and done, another heartbreak for the tally board. And coincidently, a former heartbreak is coming to town. Timing sucks.
Monday, April 7, 2008
crap
Why do I have a bad feeling about prom?
Oh yeah, cause it's going to be kinda shitty.
Oh well, at least I'm actually going, or so I think.
I guess that's the only positive?
Oh yeah, cause it's going to be kinda shitty.
Oh well, at least I'm actually going, or so I think.
I guess that's the only positive?
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Bitchin
I cannot wait to come home to my house tonight. For this reason:
This morning I walk downstairs to grab a glass of orange juice and drink it, and I see my mother rush in, it already being 8:00, was late. She signed a paper for me then said, "so you have you photo club then movie night, what time will you be home?"
I said, "probably around 7"
Mom, "are you going to pack food?"
me, "no, -
she cuts me off, "WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"
me, " I can pack stuff, don't worry"
So I walk upstairs, and in the next two seconds, my mother starts hysterically screaming at me to get my ass back in the kitchen, to say I am so rude and don't lend a helping hand to her in the morning when all she had to do was pack her lunch and leave.
Do you want me to pack your lunch?!
So I told her she didn't need to yell at me and I proceeded to walk upstairs only to hear more complaining, saying I do nothing for her ever, how selfish I am. You're right mom, so I replied back with "How about you take care of you, and I'll take care of me"
I was then told I was a bitch and not to forget I needed to sign up for a lifeguarding class after school.
Within five minutes she was screaming my name on the top of her lungs practically out of breath when she stopped, because she wanted me to move my car out of her way. I told her she had keys and she could move it if she wanted to, she didn't have to rely on my every single morning. Because that's what everyone else does, my dad moves it in the morning when he goes to work, how is she different?
Which resulted in screaming fuck you julie in front of our neighbors outside.
I just laughed and walked inside.
So I'm just really excited to go home and hear the over-exaggerated story told to my father, stretching everything that happened, ultimately, making Julie look like a piece of shit(as always) and mother, hm, well, perfect!
This morning I walk downstairs to grab a glass of orange juice and drink it, and I see my mother rush in, it already being 8:00, was late. She signed a paper for me then said, "so you have you photo club then movie night, what time will you be home?"
I said, "probably around 7"
Mom, "are you going to pack food?"
me, "no, -
she cuts me off, "WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"
me, " I can pack stuff, don't worry"
So I walk upstairs, and in the next two seconds, my mother starts hysterically screaming at me to get my ass back in the kitchen, to say I am so rude and don't lend a helping hand to her in the morning when all she had to do was pack her lunch and leave.
Do you want me to pack your lunch?!
So I told her she didn't need to yell at me and I proceeded to walk upstairs only to hear more complaining, saying I do nothing for her ever, how selfish I am. You're right mom, so I replied back with "How about you take care of you, and I'll take care of me"
I was then told I was a bitch and not to forget I needed to sign up for a lifeguarding class after school.
Within five minutes she was screaming my name on the top of her lungs practically out of breath when she stopped, because she wanted me to move my car out of her way. I told her she had keys and she could move it if she wanted to, she didn't have to rely on my every single morning. Because that's what everyone else does, my dad moves it in the morning when he goes to work, how is she different?
Which resulted in screaming fuck you julie in front of our neighbors outside.
I just laughed and walked inside.
So I'm just really excited to go home and hear the over-exaggerated story told to my father, stretching everything that happened, ultimately, making Julie look like a piece of shit(as always) and mother, hm, well, perfect!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Beatq
I guess I haven't written as much as I usually do in here. I'm losing touch. and maybe even losing it.
I feel so isolated, like no one else is even existant.
I go to school, don't see anyone. I drive home. Stay in my room minus dinner for thirty minutes. Sure, I do see Steven, but not enough and only on the weekends really. I don't even talk to my best friends, or what were my bestfriends.
I feel so out of it, and it's only my fault.
College makes me feels like shittttt
I feel so isolated, like no one else is even existant.
I go to school, don't see anyone. I drive home. Stay in my room minus dinner for thirty minutes. Sure, I do see Steven, but not enough and only on the weekends really. I don't even talk to my best friends, or what were my bestfriends.
I feel so out of it, and it's only my fault.
College makes me feels like shittttt
Thursday, March 20, 2008
undertoe
I'm always caught in an undertoe.
I guess it was brought to my attention last night that I might not be the one ruining things. Damn, that's a let down. I'd rather everything just be my fualt rather than me feeling like shit and resting all vindication and then find out it's really a mixture of both people.
Ugh, blegh.
I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if it's this situation, or the ressee's puffs I just consumed. Hmph.
FUCK THIS SITUATIOOOOONNN
I guess it was brought to my attention last night that I might not be the one ruining things. Damn, that's a let down. I'd rather everything just be my fualt rather than me feeling like shit and resting all vindication and then find out it's really a mixture of both people.
Ugh, blegh.
I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if it's this situation, or the ressee's puffs I just consumed. Hmph.
FUCK THIS SITUATIOOOOONNN
Monday, March 17, 2008
Zhighhhh
I had my job interview today, woo. I like Larry, the manager. He's not some upity 20 year-old who thinks he knows the whole entire world just because he has managed to skip college to direct young adults.
I was done in about ten minutes. So I just decided to go to Steven's.
He was asleep. Nice, I told him at ten "Steven just get up, don't go back to sleep" And what does he do, sleeps.
I'm going to Houston tomorrow! I am so thrilleddddddd.
Dad even said I could go spend it with Anna! Yay, no bullshit talks from my senile Grandmaaaa
More on that topic later
Need to sleep, need to watch the ceiling
I was done in about ten minutes. So I just decided to go to Steven's.
He was asleep. Nice, I told him at ten "Steven just get up, don't go back to sleep" And what does he do, sleeps.
I'm going to Houston tomorrow! I am so thrilleddddddd.
Dad even said I could go spend it with Anna! Yay, no bullshit talks from my senile Grandmaaaa
More on that topic later
Need to sleep, need to watch the ceiling
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I'm desperate to leave this houseeeee. Ugh, what a surprising week/weekend it has become.
Friday night, I went with my mom and dad, who had the flu yum, to pick my sister up from the Airport. I hate waiting for baggage, but I did it anyways with a smile on my face. I was told I was in dire need of a new attitude, so here's my chance. After that I was begining to feel slightly malnurished and my stomach was drawing into my body, so I suggested we stop and eat somewhere on the way home. Dad knew he could please me with taking me to Las Colinas, because I have been pleading for a reason to go there, but because my mother feels the need to make my life a living hell, refuses to let me go. I was satisfied as I ate my soup and drank my tea, and even devoured two scoops of Vanilla Ice Cream. Yum. We got home around 10, my sister went off to see friends, I, of course, stayed home and played Guitar Hero, blegh. I think I wandered off to sleep around 2 a.m.
Saturday,I woke up, had a short lived hope for my health and jumped in the car and took a trip to the gym. Ha, Julie at the gym. Yeaaa. I reluctantly checked my e-mail, slightly hoping that the Gaylord would have looked at my application. They did, it's in review. Fuck, I might have a chance to get that stupid job. Eh. But I put in another application at a clothing store near-by. I kind of dispise the store, but hm, they have nice jeans there. And whatdayaknow?! Within literally one minute of clicking "send" on my application, I had an e-mail telling me to call and set up an interview. Wow, I'm good enough for something. I talked to the guy, Steve, who seemed smart and relaxed, and set up an appoitment for Monday morning. Wooo.
After I told my mom, she almost seemed proud of me. But then her brief shot of happiness was washed away as she did my laundry and accused me of using too many towels and not using them enough. Oh sorry.
Sunday, I made myself the most delicious breakfast. Mmmm. My mother alotted me an hour to shower and be ready to leave for Plano to go shopping with her, my sister, and dad. I got ready, of course we had to take pictures before we left the house. Blegh. Killl meeeeeeeee. Look at how awesome my family is:
We get in the car, my dad, whom is driving, puts his iPod headphones in and turns it all the way up, tuning us out. Then my mom turns on the top 40 radio station and trys to match my dads music. Ha. No one can even hear themselves talk.
We shopped and I got some new shorts. Yay? We got some milkshakes and decided to go home. Hm, productive afternoon.
Steven's drunk. Oh my goddddddddddd.
That little poop, I guess we don't have breakfast plans tomorrow. :(
Hmph
Friday night, I went with my mom and dad, who had the flu yum, to pick my sister up from the Airport. I hate waiting for baggage, but I did it anyways with a smile on my face. I was told I was in dire need of a new attitude, so here's my chance. After that I was begining to feel slightly malnurished and my stomach was drawing into my body, so I suggested we stop and eat somewhere on the way home. Dad knew he could please me with taking me to Las Colinas, because I have been pleading for a reason to go there, but because my mother feels the need to make my life a living hell, refuses to let me go. I was satisfied as I ate my soup and drank my tea, and even devoured two scoops of Vanilla Ice Cream. Yum. We got home around 10, my sister went off to see friends, I, of course, stayed home and played Guitar Hero, blegh. I think I wandered off to sleep around 2 a.m.
Saturday,I woke up, had a short lived hope for my health and jumped in the car and took a trip to the gym. Ha, Julie at the gym. Yeaaa. I reluctantly checked my e-mail, slightly hoping that the Gaylord would have looked at my application. They did, it's in review. Fuck, I might have a chance to get that stupid job. Eh. But I put in another application at a clothing store near-by. I kind of dispise the store, but hm, they have nice jeans there. And whatdayaknow?! Within literally one minute of clicking "send" on my application, I had an e-mail telling me to call and set up an interview. Wow, I'm good enough for something. I talked to the guy, Steve, who seemed smart and relaxed, and set up an appoitment for Monday morning. Wooo.
After I told my mom, she almost seemed proud of me. But then her brief shot of happiness was washed away as she did my laundry and accused me of using too many towels and not using them enough. Oh sorry.
Sunday, I made myself the most delicious breakfast. Mmmm. My mother alotted me an hour to shower and be ready to leave for Plano to go shopping with her, my sister, and dad. I got ready, of course we had to take pictures before we left the house. Blegh. Killl meeeeeeeee. Look at how awesome my family is:
We get in the car, my dad, whom is driving, puts his iPod headphones in and turns it all the way up, tuning us out. Then my mom turns on the top 40 radio station and trys to match my dads music. Ha. No one can even hear themselves talk.
We shopped and I got some new shorts. Yay? We got some milkshakes and decided to go home. Hm, productive afternoon.
Steven's drunk. Oh my goddddddddddd.
That little poop, I guess we don't have breakfast plans tomorrow. :(
Hmph
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Release
Going to Colorado June 9th
How I surpassed the punishment to fly from Dallas to Houston, from Houston to Colorado? Only God knows.
Not much can make me happy lately, but at least I know I will be escaping three days after I end school. Couldn't come at a better time.
How I surpassed the punishment to fly from Dallas to Houston, from Houston to Colorado? Only God knows.
Not much can make me happy lately, but at least I know I will be escaping three days after I end school. Couldn't come at a better time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Speech Therapy
Because of some uncanny words shared between my mother and I today, I really don't know what else I expected when I got home, but to bear the brunt of my Dad.
Just as I stepped out the car, I was told to go sit in the kitchen and wait until he could get to me. I knew I was going to be punished, yet AGAIN, so sitting in the kitchen really didn't break me, or make me nervous.
As Dad yelled and cursed me for everything I've ever done wrong in MY LIFE, plus things he "thinks" I did(though haven't.), all that was running through my mind was "I know, I know, God I freaking KNOW". All this week any fucking(excuse that) time I talk to anyone, they all just yell at me about how wrong I am.
REALLY?
YOU DON'T THINK I FREAKING UNDERSTAND THAT?! DO YOU THINK I AM STUPID? DUMB? IGNORANT?
I get it.
I know what I did was wrong. And you expect that in two days I will have made everything better. NEWS FUCKING FLASH, it takes some god damn time. So please stop thinking you're just going to set me straight by giving me all this philosophical, pyschological, hypothetical bull-shit propoganda that's just going to 'turn me around' and make me a 'new person'. Shut the hell up.
And that right there is why my dad even had to have the conversation with me, because I got so sick and tired from not only hearing it from my parents, but every single person who knows me. Stop. Just fucking stop. Do you realize I tune you out. Do you realize I don't give a shit about one word you're saying, because I already know that I did something stupid. I know how god damn stupid it was. I'm dealing with my own guilt from myself, plus my parents, and what I did to friends. So the last thing I need, is your own guilt trip.
-Anywayssss.
My father went into his outlandish speech he gives every time I do something wrong about how he provides everything we(Will Katie Julie) want and more. How we're spoiled, we're brats, we're never asked to do anything. Which in that respect, my parents have given us a lot, I have lived a somewhat privlaged life. My dad makes a six figure salary. Now, regardless, my parents have NEVER just whipped out a twenty for me, my parents are never flashy. My parents don't just go out and buy something that I want without first talking about it, seeing if it's reasonable. If I want something I buy it.
I buy my own clothes, I bought my own iPod, my jewlery, my shoes, my makeup, things that I don't HAVE to have necessary for survival, I buy. I'm going to say that's more than the majority of any one I know has to do. So fuck off if you say I'm a well-to-do spoiled brat.
But when my dad started in with how he works just to make us happy, and how he was going to be taking a job in South Africa, so that we can have more money. I really didn't think he would affect me. He's splurred this speech to me more times than possible to count. He started saying how he would miss every birthday, every graduation, every achievement, every anniversary with the love of his life, every party, every moment in me, Katie and Will growing up. Just for money. To let me go to college. To maybe save my brother. MAYBE. To pay back the 100,000s of dollars that have time and time again saved my brother.
He noted that he knows I don't love or like my mom (right in front of her too), but he loves me regardless and would do that.
you know, my dad gets it. he really does.
and it's sad that the only words I could mutter at the end of that was,
"thanks for being my dad" and a measley hug, before I walked upstairs trying not to make a noise while i began sobbing.
I SUCK....I know.
Just as I stepped out the car, I was told to go sit in the kitchen and wait until he could get to me. I knew I was going to be punished, yet AGAIN, so sitting in the kitchen really didn't break me, or make me nervous.
As Dad yelled and cursed me for everything I've ever done wrong in MY LIFE, plus things he "thinks" I did(though haven't.), all that was running through my mind was "I know, I know, God I freaking KNOW". All this week any fucking(excuse that) time I talk to anyone, they all just yell at me about how wrong I am.
REALLY?
YOU DON'T THINK I FREAKING UNDERSTAND THAT?! DO YOU THINK I AM STUPID? DUMB? IGNORANT?
I get it.
I know what I did was wrong. And you expect that in two days I will have made everything better. NEWS FUCKING FLASH, it takes some god damn time. So please stop thinking you're just going to set me straight by giving me all this philosophical, pyschological, hypothetical bull-shit propoganda that's just going to 'turn me around' and make me a 'new person'. Shut the hell up.
And that right there is why my dad even had to have the conversation with me, because I got so sick and tired from not only hearing it from my parents, but every single person who knows me. Stop. Just fucking stop. Do you realize I tune you out. Do you realize I don't give a shit about one word you're saying, because I already know that I did something stupid. I know how god damn stupid it was. I'm dealing with my own guilt from myself, plus my parents, and what I did to friends. So the last thing I need, is your own guilt trip.
-Anywayssss.
My father went into his outlandish speech he gives every time I do something wrong about how he provides everything we(Will Katie Julie) want and more. How we're spoiled, we're brats, we're never asked to do anything. Which in that respect, my parents have given us a lot, I have lived a somewhat privlaged life. My dad makes a six figure salary. Now, regardless, my parents have NEVER just whipped out a twenty for me, my parents are never flashy. My parents don't just go out and buy something that I want without first talking about it, seeing if it's reasonable. If I want something I buy it.
I buy my own clothes, I bought my own iPod, my jewlery, my shoes, my makeup, things that I don't HAVE to have necessary for survival, I buy. I'm going to say that's more than the majority of any one I know has to do. So fuck off if you say I'm a well-to-do spoiled brat.
But when my dad started in with how he works just to make us happy, and how he was going to be taking a job in South Africa, so that we can have more money. I really didn't think he would affect me. He's splurred this speech to me more times than possible to count. He started saying how he would miss every birthday, every graduation, every achievement, every anniversary with the love of his life, every party, every moment in me, Katie and Will growing up. Just for money. To let me go to college. To maybe save my brother. MAYBE. To pay back the 100,000s of dollars that have time and time again saved my brother.
He noted that he knows I don't love or like my mom (right in front of her too), but he loves me regardless and would do that.
you know, my dad gets it. he really does.
and it's sad that the only words I could mutter at the end of that was,
"thanks for being my dad" and a measley hug, before I walked upstairs trying not to make a noise while i began sobbing.
I SUCK....I know.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Who
Gives a damn.
I have to be on the internet to be friends with my best friend for three years.
She has to sneak around to say "hey" to me.
He's lost all trust in me, and constantly reminds me. It tears me to pieces, I wish he knew how hard I really was trying.
I'm just not cut out for this world, or anything in particular.
Ugh, shoot me. My only happiness in these past couple of terrorful days was the dark room today. Cassi, Brendan, Alex and his sister and I all piled in there and developed negatives. Mmm, chemical smell. Mmm, the sliding cave. Mmm, smiles.
I recieved a text message that gathered hope for my relationship once again. Hopefully this continues. Hopefully.
Man, I really fucked up.
I have to be on the internet to be friends with my best friend for three years.
She has to sneak around to say "hey" to me.
He's lost all trust in me, and constantly reminds me. It tears me to pieces, I wish he knew how hard I really was trying.
I'm just not cut out for this world, or anything in particular.
Ugh, shoot me. My only happiness in these past couple of terrorful days was the dark room today. Cassi, Brendan, Alex and his sister and I all piled in there and developed negatives. Mmm, chemical smell. Mmm, the sliding cave. Mmm, smiles.
I recieved a text message that gathered hope for my relationship once again. Hopefully this continues. Hopefully.
Man, I really fucked up.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Overflow
More fucking great news.
I guess what's more than depressing is the fact that I nor my family can do anything about it all. God, why does this always fucking happen to us?
Do we ever get a fucking break!? Seriously, I think my family wins the award for "Fucked Over".
For every one thing that goes right, seventy-nine go wrong.
FUCK THIS LIFE
I don't care if God punishes me and gives me the saddest life full of torture.
But please, don't put my family through this. It's what hurts the most to see my parents cry, to hear my mom sobbing.
To hear her pray that she doesn't have to bury her children.
I guess what's more than depressing is the fact that I nor my family can do anything about it all. God, why does this always fucking happen to us?
Do we ever get a fucking break!? Seriously, I think my family wins the award for "Fucked Over".
For every one thing that goes right, seventy-nine go wrong.
FUCK THIS LIFE
I don't care if God punishes me and gives me the saddest life full of torture.
But please, don't put my family through this. It's what hurts the most to see my parents cry, to hear my mom sobbing.
To hear her pray that she doesn't have to bury her children.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Wishes
This is exactly what I've been looking like and my mood has been enthralled with the whole night:
Deep melancholyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy at it's best.
I've just been thinking so much about my future. Expectations, standards, blah blah.
I wish it were as simple as I want it to be. I think no one really understands what it's like and what it has to be like except for Cassi, because her parents are the same way. I have to conform to their expectations and standards or no school. And school isn't something I'm willing to just give up.
I want to go to college and get my degree, be studying what I want to do. Education is really important to me, so don't get me wrong, I don't mind that expectation.
But I want to be happy in what I pick, and my parents are pushing about job prespects, and money. Steven said something tonight about not wanting to be chasing money and just find something that I'm happy doing and do it. He's completely right. But it's not as easy as just getting married and doing what I want. I only wish. I only wish. I wish I just could get married right now! And be a good wife and mother and support my husband in whatever. And be happy.
Be settled, be happy, embrace everyday for its worth.
I know it's not that simple, and I know this is far from my reach. That's what's depressing me.
Deep melancholyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy at it's best.
I've just been thinking so much about my future. Expectations, standards, blah blah.
I wish it were as simple as I want it to be. I think no one really understands what it's like and what it has to be like except for Cassi, because her parents are the same way. I have to conform to their expectations and standards or no school. And school isn't something I'm willing to just give up.
I want to go to college and get my degree, be studying what I want to do. Education is really important to me, so don't get me wrong, I don't mind that expectation.
But I want to be happy in what I pick, and my parents are pushing about job prespects, and money. Steven said something tonight about not wanting to be chasing money and just find something that I'm happy doing and do it. He's completely right. But it's not as easy as just getting married and doing what I want. I only wish. I only wish. I wish I just could get married right now! And be a good wife and mother and support my husband in whatever. And be happy.
Be settled, be happy, embrace everyday for its worth.
I know it's not that simple, and I know this is far from my reach. That's what's depressing me.
Self-
Portrait.
Mediocre, crap work anyone? I think so!
This is what I can produce in two measley hours, 1 hour and 45 minutes of which I fumble the camera in my hands thinking of something midly creative to create.
Obviously that time was wasted, as nothing creative came out of it. Oh well, Sigh, I will turn it in, smile briefly and gulp down my mouthful of embarassment infront of my class. Suddenly this whole Vice President of Photography postion sucks. I should have spent the whole week we had on this. Well, fuck that.
Mediocre, crap work anyone? I think so!
This is what I can produce in two measley hours, 1 hour and 45 minutes of which I fumble the camera in my hands thinking of something midly creative to create.
Obviously that time was wasted, as nothing creative came out of it. Oh well, Sigh, I will turn it in, smile briefly and gulp down my mouthful of embarassment infront of my class. Suddenly this whole Vice President of Photography postion sucks. I should have spent the whole week we had on this. Well, fuck that.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Pictures of Success
Damn, it's already March. March 2nd. Like I said, I'm so glad that this week is over, but now, I'm so glad that also this weekend is over.
Chaotic. That's all that can really explian it.
I'm sitting out in the open with my ipod in, to musk my parent's conversation. I can't take it anymore.
I was so scared this weekend. The person that seems like the one who gets it and makes me happy lately, made me shudder. Sometimes things are so perfect, and so when something does go wrong, it's a major shock. I just don't know how to handle those types of things so I tend to push them away.
I'm also frightened at the fact that things have never happened like this before. God, my feelings are so strong so fast, it's ridiculous. It's making me spin, and sometimes I have to give them a second thought. They can't be mistaken though. On Thursday night, when I felt his chin quivering against my neck, and then the tears seep into my shoulder, it really overtook me. I don't think I could stand losing this.
I can't handle the idea that an illness will eventually rip him away from me. It really breaks my heart. Breaks my heart to the point that I don't know how to act. I wish I could wave my hands, or do some stupid dance to make it go away. I just want it to go away.
I walked up to the door today and sighed as I saw Tyler sitting in the chair in the living room. Why oh why didn't he tell me he was going to be there? I was so afraid to walk in the door. Not because I'm afraid of Tyler. He wouldn't do anything. It's just I see it as something that could hurt this. And I want nothing to hurt what we have. I don't think I need to say that when I walked into the house I went directly upstairs.
Anyways...
I really have to do something soon for my self portrait project. Blagh! It's due tuesday, which means I have to shoot and print it all tomorrow. Fuccccck. It won't get done, that's for sure. But I will sure try.
I wish things would just end up right, work out, be simple for once. Sometimes "shit just happens", but after shit keeps happening and happening, I wonder, if good just happens. It's sad that my life has turned out this way.
Chaotic. That's all that can really explian it.
I'm sitting out in the open with my ipod in, to musk my parent's conversation. I can't take it anymore.
I was so scared this weekend. The person that seems like the one who gets it and makes me happy lately, made me shudder. Sometimes things are so perfect, and so when something does go wrong, it's a major shock. I just don't know how to handle those types of things so I tend to push them away.
I'm also frightened at the fact that things have never happened like this before. God, my feelings are so strong so fast, it's ridiculous. It's making me spin, and sometimes I have to give them a second thought. They can't be mistaken though. On Thursday night, when I felt his chin quivering against my neck, and then the tears seep into my shoulder, it really overtook me. I don't think I could stand losing this.
I can't handle the idea that an illness will eventually rip him away from me. It really breaks my heart. Breaks my heart to the point that I don't know how to act. I wish I could wave my hands, or do some stupid dance to make it go away. I just want it to go away.
I walked up to the door today and sighed as I saw Tyler sitting in the chair in the living room. Why oh why didn't he tell me he was going to be there? I was so afraid to walk in the door. Not because I'm afraid of Tyler. He wouldn't do anything. It's just I see it as something that could hurt this. And I want nothing to hurt what we have. I don't think I need to say that when I walked into the house I went directly upstairs.
Anyways...
I really have to do something soon for my self portrait project. Blagh! It's due tuesday, which means I have to shoot and print it all tomorrow. Fuccccck. It won't get done, that's for sure. But I will sure try.
I wish things would just end up right, work out, be simple for once. Sometimes "shit just happens", but after shit keeps happening and happening, I wonder, if good just happens. It's sad that my life has turned out this way.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
110.
It has been a hell of a week, I am so glad it is over with. Ugggh thankfullly.
I am going to see The Band's Visit today with Brendan, woooh. I have really wanted to see this, but I really don't have much time to trek down to Mockingbird to see it. So finally we are going!
I am going to see The Band's Visit today with Brendan, woooh. I have really wanted to see this, but I really don't have much time to trek down to Mockingbird to see it. So finally we are going!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
109.
Well, I have made my blog private. It seems as if this blog is the only thing that conveys privacy in my life anymore.
At least I thought it did just being a blog in the first place. That was foolish of me to think it wouldn't end badly. My sister reads my blog, which really isn't that big of a deal. I'm not bothered by it, but because of her, things have gone hay-wire.
She obviously mis-read something and said something to my mother, who in turn just 'HAD TO READ' what it was. She did and I told her straight forwardly what I meant by it. She understood but she was still standoff-ish about the subject. I thought it was over with.
My mom decided to clean old files off our main computer at home and there have been things saved to Microsoft Word for many years. I guess she felt the need to go though all of MY documents and read every one. When I write something, usually it holds the purpose of fiction. But fiction based on real events. I'll take something in my life and twist it and change things and change the characters so it hardly resembles my life anymore, unless you have witnessed these occasions, then infact can you see the resemblance.
As I was sitting at dinner, I got the feeling something was itchy and wrong. We began our favorite dinner time topic "College". Seems that it's the ONLY thing we can talk about and not even civily, might I add. My mom asked if I had considered creative writing as a major and I told her simply, "I don't think I would consider that something I want to do for the rest of my life." Simple enough right?
I thought the subject to be over with.
My father got up to go to the garage for something to drink and my mom made the rude comment of, "well, I experienced some more of your creative writing last night. I cleared off old files and read everything you've written. Nice lies. You try to mask them with other names. Stop stretching things. You're giving people false pretenses about our life. If people knew these things. If Myspace or the Internet got ahold of these things about our family.. blah blah"
Wow, do I not even have privacy to write something down for recreation.
Nothing I've ever written in my spare time has been meant to harm anyone. And honestly, nothing has ever been posted outside of Microsoft Word. I have never let anyone actually get 'ahold' of these things and I have no intention of them ever being in someone's hands besides my own.
So now I am a liar for simply expressing myself.
At least I thought it did just being a blog in the first place. That was foolish of me to think it wouldn't end badly. My sister reads my blog, which really isn't that big of a deal. I'm not bothered by it, but because of her, things have gone hay-wire.
She obviously mis-read something and said something to my mother, who in turn just 'HAD TO READ' what it was. She did and I told her straight forwardly what I meant by it. She understood but she was still standoff-ish about the subject. I thought it was over with.
My mom decided to clean old files off our main computer at home and there have been things saved to Microsoft Word for many years. I guess she felt the need to go though all of MY documents and read every one. When I write something, usually it holds the purpose of fiction. But fiction based on real events. I'll take something in my life and twist it and change things and change the characters so it hardly resembles my life anymore, unless you have witnessed these occasions, then infact can you see the resemblance.
As I was sitting at dinner, I got the feeling something was itchy and wrong. We began our favorite dinner time topic "College". Seems that it's the ONLY thing we can talk about and not even civily, might I add. My mom asked if I had considered creative writing as a major and I told her simply, "I don't think I would consider that something I want to do for the rest of my life." Simple enough right?
I thought the subject to be over with.
My father got up to go to the garage for something to drink and my mom made the rude comment of, "well, I experienced some more of your creative writing last night. I cleared off old files and read everything you've written. Nice lies. You try to mask them with other names. Stop stretching things. You're giving people false pretenses about our life. If people knew these things. If Myspace or the Internet got ahold of these things about our family.. blah blah"
Wow, do I not even have privacy to write something down for recreation.
Nothing I've ever written in my spare time has been meant to harm anyone. And honestly, nothing has ever been posted outside of Microsoft Word. I have never let anyone actually get 'ahold' of these things and I have no intention of them ever being in someone's hands besides my own.
So now I am a liar for simply expressing myself.
108.
I deteste(after taking french, I'm not really sure how to spell this in english?) watching movies after I read literature. It just seems so pointless. They never measure up and are moderately right so I just tune them out.
I read my book for a while today when we decided to watch our play that we had been reading.
That lasted all of ten minutes, I couldn't see in the dark room.
So I took out some notebook paper, deciding to scribble and draw, but in turn made a list of my "Current Favorites"
Here ya go blogger.
Yeah under presidents: Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, and JFK.
And who I'm voting for: Because he's the least sucky one.
Ask me about that one. I'd love to fill you in. I just chose that simple answer because it really sums it up generally.
I read my book for a while today when we decided to watch our play that we had been reading.
That lasted all of ten minutes, I couldn't see in the dark room.
So I took out some notebook paper, deciding to scribble and draw, but in turn made a list of my "Current Favorites"
Here ya go blogger.
Yeah under presidents: Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, and JFK.
And who I'm voting for: Because he's the least sucky one.
Ask me about that one. I'd love to fill you in. I just chose that simple answer because it really sums it up generally.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Session 09.
-"So that was it. I was on my own, just me and my girl. I had a little money left in my savings from all the checks my parents sent when I was young. My grandparents never used them, they just put them in saving account for me. And I never touched it. I guess because I always had a feeling that something like this would happen someday. Oh well. We were happy and maybe a little scared. We were kids out just out of high school. We just really didn't know what to do. I got a job at a coffee shop. Emily got a job at a pet shop. I mean, we weren't making a lot of money, but we were surviving."
Session 08 Part II
-"But for some reason, the closer I got with her, the harder my father would try to get me to stop seeing her. It was like he didn't want me to be happy for something. Not like he would ever do that, right? He would tell me I was wasting my time with her, I should concentrate on where I'm going to college. You know, I didn't want to go to college. So when graduation came around, I saw a completely different side of him. The side I always knew was there. He would say that I was going to throw away my life and I was going to make a terrible mistake. I guess something he was familiar with. He would tell me I was going to be a loser and people wouldn't respect me. That was also the day he told me about the mistake he made: me. I guess that was supposed to scare me straight. Oh well."
Session 08.
-"Well, the next few years were probably the slowest, most uncomfortable years of my life. I mean, they tried to make it easy, but they gave up pretty quickly. I'm not going to lie, I didn't make it easy on them either. I could just never forgive them. No. But I'm the kind of person who believes everything happens for a reason. And you know, I'm kind of glad I was miserable counting down the days till I was eighteen. You know, so I could leave. Caus ethe way it worked for me. There was this one day I was in the right place at the right time. Now I'm not the type of person to just go get what I want. I usually wait for it to casually come to me. Something hit me that day like a ton of bricks. I know it sounds cheesy, but I fell in love. And that's what kept me there for the next few years. I would've run away if it wasn't for her...
So I chased after her, running down the hallways. Running up to her and grabbed her arm. Actually just stood there frozen, didn't know what to say to her. I think she kinda felt the same thing so it worked out. I felt like I had a reason to finally be happy, you know. She would be the first person in my life who was completely honest with me. I had a reason to trust. When I was with her it just felt like my problems with my parents didn't seem to big anymore. Oh well, I just didn't care about them."
So I chased after her, running down the hallways. Running up to her and grabbed her arm. Actually just stood there frozen, didn't know what to say to her. I think she kinda felt the same thing so it worked out. I felt like I had a reason to finally be happy, you know. She would be the first person in my life who was completely honest with me. I had a reason to trust. When I was with her it just felt like my problems with my parents didn't seem to big anymore. Oh well, I just didn't care about them."
Session 07.
-"After I learned about my parents, they asked me to live with them and I didn't want to but I really had no choice. So I finished out the school year where I was, I lived with my grandfather and uh, I moved in with them. And you know what? It was great. I was happy, I was happy and they knew it. I clapped my hands. Yep, and if it was only like that. Oh well, what can you do? It was hard then and i already was really bad with people skills and uh, I had to start all over pretty much. Anything that I felt secure with was gone. But you know what? It was probably the only time in my life that i was alctually excited to go to school. Not to learn or get made fun of but to get out of the house and to get away from them. Mmm, you know, now that I think about it, school wasn't any easier..."
Session 06.
-"SO wow, that's a pretty hard way to find something like that out."
-"Yeah, I know. See, the best part is when they were telling me, I guess my reaction wasn't the most positive, so they tried to play this guilt trip like, 'You don't know what it was like blah blah blah blah blah'."
-"Yeah, I know. See, the best part is when they were telling me, I guess my reaction wasn't the most positive, so they tried to play this guilt trip like, 'You don't know what it was like blah blah blah blah blah'."
Session 05.
-"So what was it like, growing up for Dean?"
-"Well, he kept to himself most of the time. He watched a lot of TV. And uh, yeah he wasn't like.."
-"Wait I got it. He didn't have many friends. His mom and dad/grandma and grandpa always were just a little bit too tired to want to play. So when was around kids, he would just sit in the corner and occupy himself, because that's all he knew how to do. And I mean, how would he know any different?"
-"Wow, that's uh, pretty good."
-"Yeah I can relate."
-"Well, sadly a while after his twelfth birthday, his grandma suddenly got sick."
-"And that's how?"
-".. and that's how."
-"Well, he kept to himself most of the time. He watched a lot of TV. And uh, yeah he wasn't like.."
-"Wait I got it. He didn't have many friends. His mom and dad/grandma and grandpa always were just a little bit too tired to want to play. So when was around kids, he would just sit in the corner and occupy himself, because that's all he knew how to do. And I mean, how would he know any different?"
-"Wow, that's uh, pretty good."
-"Yeah I can relate."
-"Well, sadly a while after his twelfth birthday, his grandma suddenly got sick."
-"And that's how?"
-".. and that's how."
Session 04.
-"See the deal was that her parents would take care of the kind until they got their feet on the ground. Cause they both had full-time jobs and weren't financially stable yet. So they say, but her mom would always ask, 'when are you doing to pick up Dean' : the baby. and they'd say they didn't have time, or you know, they weren't ready yet. You know, time passed quick and he wasn't a baby anymore. None of them really had the heart to tell him that his parents were too busy for him. Didn't have time for him. So, he never knew that his aunt and uncle were actually his mom and dad."
-"So they never picked him up?"
-"No, but they did however, send checks every week to pay for all his expenses."
-"Well that's good, but I thought they couldn't afford it, that's why they couldn't pick him up right?"
-"Yeah."
-"So they never picked him up?"
-"No, but they did however, send checks every week to pay for all his expenses."
-"Well that's good, but I thought they couldn't afford it, that's why they couldn't pick him up right?"
-"Yeah."
Session 03.
-"So what you're saying is he grew up his whole life being totured practicall? And as soon as he gets a taste of what normal life is like, something huge happens. Like an unexpected baby. He gets scared, thinks he can't do it, panicks. And still being a kid himself, he does what any kid should do: asks his parents for help. That seems pretty normal to me."
-"No, you don't understand. see they didn't just leave him there for a weekend while they got the house straightened up for him, they left him for weeks. For months. Left him for years."
-"No, you don't understand. see they didn't just leave him there for a weekend while they got the house straightened up for him, they left him for weeks. For months. Left him for years."
Session 02.
-"Sounds like he made out pretty good."
-"Yeah I guess, he started a life, went to school, had a job, got married. He was even going ot be a lwayer. Everything seemed great, but the only problem was he went from wanting nothing to wanting everything. More than he'd know what to do with. You see, sometimes when you get that taste of wanting things, you only want for yourself. And if you ask me, that's where it gets dangerous."
-"Yeah I guess, he started a life, went to school, had a job, got married. He was even going ot be a lwayer. Everything seemed great, but the only problem was he went from wanting nothing to wanting everything. More than he'd know what to do with. You see, sometimes when you get that taste of wanting things, you only want for yourself. And if you ask me, that's where it gets dangerous."
Session 01.
-"Wow, so he just left?"
-"You see, there comes a time in everyone's life where they just start seeing things differently. Or ya know, they're put in a situation where, they have to. I guess. It was just his night."
-"If you don't mind, what's his name?"
-"His name is Matt and I think his father's name is Matt too but I don't know."
-"Okay, so uhm, what happened next? Where'd he go from there?"
-"Well, he lived in his girlfriend's dormroom for a little while but he couldn't stay there long. and uh I think her father actually felt bad for him so he offered him a job as a file clerk at his lawfirm. You know nothing special, just sorting papers. And her dad, made him a deal he said, 'If you take this job seriously and you start going to school and you're serious about my daughter, I'll help you guys out with an apartment. So he took it. I mean maybe Matt didn't really want that. Maybe he didn't really want to go to school or work at a place like that but, he also wante to prove to his father that he was better off without him. That he wasn't a waste. An uh, he also knew that making that deal with her dad would make his dad so much more mad because uh, he hated her father. He always said how lazy he was, and how he stole people's money and how he didn't have a real job he doesn't know what it's like to work. But I guess that's the motivation he needed to straighten out his life. But I don't really think they ever talked again anyways, so I don't think it really mattered."
-"You see, there comes a time in everyone's life where they just start seeing things differently. Or ya know, they're put in a situation where, they have to. I guess. It was just his night."
-"If you don't mind, what's his name?"
-"His name is Matt and I think his father's name is Matt too but I don't know."
-"Okay, so uhm, what happened next? Where'd he go from there?"
-"Well, he lived in his girlfriend's dormroom for a little while but he couldn't stay there long. and uh I think her father actually felt bad for him so he offered him a job as a file clerk at his lawfirm. You know nothing special, just sorting papers. And her dad, made him a deal he said, 'If you take this job seriously and you start going to school and you're serious about my daughter, I'll help you guys out with an apartment. So he took it. I mean maybe Matt didn't really want that. Maybe he didn't really want to go to school or work at a place like that but, he also wante to prove to his father that he was better off without him. That he wasn't a waste. An uh, he also knew that making that deal with her dad would make his dad so much more mad because uh, he hated her father. He always said how lazy he was, and how he stole people's money and how he didn't have a real job he doesn't know what it's like to work. But I guess that's the motivation he needed to straighten out his life. But I don't really think they ever talked again anyways, so I don't think it really mattered."
Sunday, February 24, 2008
97. Not going
To lose my state right now, not yet. I hear my parents constantly talking about my dad's job. The whole New Orleans deal was a bust, thank god. But the straight fact has come: The oil business in America is dying, slowly, but nevertheless, dying, drying up.
So the terms have come. My dad is not going to move up in his job anymore. It just can't happen in Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, anywhere. He won't get paid more anywhere. Anywhere really, except overseas. Namely, Africa.
Which comes to this. He's had two interviews already about rotating in Africa: 28 days in Africa- 28 days in America. This coming Saturday an actual head guy is coming to Dallas to talk things out with my Dad. Wow, it's actaully in the process. The thing is my dad is really serious about it. He really wants to go to South Africa.
My mom couldn't think of anything worse. She refuses to leave America, again. Holland was one thing. All of us(Will, Katie, and I) were little and had to go with him. It was feasable. Now we're all grown up and in College and whatnot. Spread across Texas. I understand she doesn't want to leave because if something happens with one of us here, what can she/my dad do? Nothing. They're around the globe.
I couldn't really think of anything worse than my dad leaving. Leaving my mom and I alone! My dad pretty much keeps us sane. We would tear each other apart. She refuses to stay here in Dallas if he rotates. She won't live here. She hates it more than I do. She wants to be close to family and friends: in The Woodlands. I couldn't really be more happy at the fact that if we moved anywhere, I would get to move back to my hometown, where half of my closest friends live. But then again, I don't really know if I could move.
As much as I hate to come to terms with it, my life is really here in Flower Mound. I have been planted here and proceeded to make my life here. It would be hard to rip my roots out and pick up and move.
I know that I plan to move away in a year anyways to college, but for that extra year, what would happen?
I know that seriously, none of this is final. It's just thoughts. That's why I'm not upset about it or anything. The time to worry will be if my dad comes up with anything after he talks to this expact guy.
Just when things start to make sense, and I'm content with everything, a thought like this pops up. I don't know really if I should believe it or rather want to believe it because a lot of these things come up from time to time. But if Dad called my grandmother tonight just to tell her this and nothing else, should I be worried?
So the terms have come. My dad is not going to move up in his job anymore. It just can't happen in Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, anywhere. He won't get paid more anywhere. Anywhere really, except overseas. Namely, Africa.
Which comes to this. He's had two interviews already about rotating in Africa: 28 days in Africa- 28 days in America. This coming Saturday an actual head guy is coming to Dallas to talk things out with my Dad. Wow, it's actaully in the process. The thing is my dad is really serious about it. He really wants to go to South Africa.
My mom couldn't think of anything worse. She refuses to leave America, again. Holland was one thing. All of us(Will, Katie, and I) were little and had to go with him. It was feasable. Now we're all grown up and in College and whatnot. Spread across Texas. I understand she doesn't want to leave because if something happens with one of us here, what can she/my dad do? Nothing. They're around the globe.
I couldn't really think of anything worse than my dad leaving. Leaving my mom and I alone! My dad pretty much keeps us sane. We would tear each other apart. She refuses to stay here in Dallas if he rotates. She won't live here. She hates it more than I do. She wants to be close to family and friends: in The Woodlands. I couldn't really be more happy at the fact that if we moved anywhere, I would get to move back to my hometown, where half of my closest friends live. But then again, I don't really know if I could move.
As much as I hate to come to terms with it, my life is really here in Flower Mound. I have been planted here and proceeded to make my life here. It would be hard to rip my roots out and pick up and move.
I know that I plan to move away in a year anyways to college, but for that extra year, what would happen?
I know that seriously, none of this is final. It's just thoughts. That's why I'm not upset about it or anything. The time to worry will be if my dad comes up with anything after he talks to this expact guy.
Just when things start to make sense, and I'm content with everything, a thought like this pops up. I don't know really if I should believe it or rather want to believe it because a lot of these things come up from time to time. But if Dad called my grandmother tonight just to tell her this and nothing else, should I be worried?
96.
Today was hospitality bowling wooo. Or more like Me, Drew and Michael bowling.
Drew brought the little boy he babysits everyday and we had to wait fourty-five minutes before we could actually bowl. Well that little boy, Michael, is extremely hyper. They played some arcade games and then we got Michael some food.
Then our little buzzer went off for our turn to bowl so I sat with Michael while he ate and Drew went to get our shoes. Yeah, I got him some ranch. Ew, he just licked it out of the cup. The child just straight up ate ranch dressing. Blegh Puke.
We bowled, and as everyone already knows, I suck horrendously at bowling, so needless to say Everyone beat me. Yes even Michael who is five years old. Sigh, I suck. It was fun anyways. Drew and Michael are so mean to each other, and Michael ate it a couple of times so we couldn't help but laugh.
I think I had about ten gutter balls, if not more.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way home. You're welcome for my contribution to coporate america. It was very delicious(a little too delicious?) and since I have been on the verge of broke for the past couple of weeks, it was way overdue for my shots of caffine. Ahhh, the addiction seems to be back as now I am craving another Grande.
Now I am procrastinating horribly, watching mediocre pre-teen sitcoms and trying to not doze off.
Here's to the begining of another suck-tastic week.
Like my vocabulary. Nice.
Drew brought the little boy he babysits everyday and we had to wait fourty-five minutes before we could actually bowl. Well that little boy, Michael, is extremely hyper. They played some arcade games and then we got Michael some food.
Then our little buzzer went off for our turn to bowl so I sat with Michael while he ate and Drew went to get our shoes. Yeah, I got him some ranch. Ew, he just licked it out of the cup. The child just straight up ate ranch dressing. Blegh Puke.
We bowled, and as everyone already knows, I suck horrendously at bowling, so needless to say Everyone beat me. Yes even Michael who is five years old. Sigh, I suck. It was fun anyways. Drew and Michael are so mean to each other, and Michael ate it a couple of times so we couldn't help but laugh.
I think I had about ten gutter balls, if not more.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way home. You're welcome for my contribution to coporate america. It was very delicious(a little too delicious?) and since I have been on the verge of broke for the past couple of weeks, it was way overdue for my shots of caffine. Ahhh, the addiction seems to be back as now I am craving another Grande.
Now I am procrastinating horribly, watching mediocre pre-teen sitcoms and trying to not doze off.
Here's to the begining of another suck-tastic week.
Like my vocabulary. Nice.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
95.
Oh by the way, here's some ralllly awesome(not) pictures from the ATPI Photography competition and convention. Wooh.
Actually these are just the ones that we wasted a class period just talking to Vaughn and Justin from Tx A&M Commerce.
Love them!
Actually these are just the ones that we wasted a class period just talking to Vaughn and Justin from Tx A&M Commerce.
Love them!
94.
If I wouldn't have passed out today on my bed I probably couldn't even think about being awake right now.
I took another shower and pretty much just collapsed on my bed and fell asleep instantly.
I really had no idea how sleepy I was. This blog is kind of pointless. Yeah it's really pointless, it's just rambling about absolutely nothing.
My mom is trying to convince me to go to 'Spring Show' and invite people over before I go and eat dinner and dessert. Uhm, I really don't want to go in the first place so much. And the fact on who she's trying to persuade me to ask is just grossing me out. So I'll probably end up going on Saturday night and just drag Steven, Hahah he doesn't know yet. Sucks to be him.
Steven is brilliant and made me cut my lip today. He was trying to wash his hair with a metal cup(does that just set the stage for genuis?) and completely missed and in the path to his head smacked me in the face really hard and my teeth went into my lip. Haha, dork. Now it's just puffy and annoying. At least it stopped bleeding after like a minute. Yum, iron in my mouth.
I took another shower and pretty much just collapsed on my bed and fell asleep instantly.
I really had no idea how sleepy I was. This blog is kind of pointless. Yeah it's really pointless, it's just rambling about absolutely nothing.
My mom is trying to convince me to go to 'Spring Show' and invite people over before I go and eat dinner and dessert. Uhm, I really don't want to go in the first place so much. And the fact on who she's trying to persuade me to ask is just grossing me out. So I'll probably end up going on Saturday night and just drag Steven, Hahah he doesn't know yet. Sucks to be him.
Steven is brilliant and made me cut my lip today. He was trying to wash his hair with a metal cup(does that just set the stage for genuis?) and completely missed and in the path to his head smacked me in the face really hard and my teeth went into my lip. Haha, dork. Now it's just puffy and annoying. At least it stopped bleeding after like a minute. Yum, iron in my mouth.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Why am I so dormant looking now? I don't even wear makeup. It's weird, I don't really give a shit about it anymore.
Decisions, decisions... I have the opportunity to go to Brown in Rhode Island for Ivy League college classes for college credits. Not everyone gets accepted so I would have to fill out an application but I have a good chance of being accepted.
It's a seven week program and the classes are really cool. But seven weeks? Seven weeks away! Seven weeks away ugh. It's a wonderful yet horrifying thought.
Going to Rhode Island, so far away for such a long time, and knowing no one?
I need to make up my mind soon though. Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Monday, February 18, 2008
92.
lets catch a movie, something to make us love again.
The playlist is playing again and again. Mostly because I just really like all the bands and all the songs already on the C.D. But the fact that I feel emotionally attached to it at the same time makes me want to throw it on. I think the night I put it on for the first time, I felt something I haven't in a really long time.
Something in my heart. Wow, who knew I had one, or that it could be revived?
Cd:
1. Steven
2. You Have My Attention- Copeland
3. Anybody Else but You- The Moldy Peaches
4. Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene
5. Penelope- Pinback
6. Okay, I believe You but My Tommy Gun Don't- Brand New
7. Hooray!- Minus the Bear
8. Cinder and Smoke- Iron and Wine
9. Hoodwink- Anathallo
10. All I Want is You- Barry Louis Polisar
11. Secret Heart- Feist
12. Girl Inform Me- The Shins
13. Intuition- Feist
14. In Fear and Faith- Circa Survive, Mmm Anthony Green
15. Am I Wrong?- Brand New
16. Summertime- Mae
17. Not All Bad -Terminal
18. Everything Reminds Me of Her- Elliott Smith
19. Do You Realize- The Flaming Lips
20. The Sound of Settling- Death Cab for Cutie
Ugh, such a good cd sometimes.
When it switches from the first track of Steven talking to You Have My Attention by Copeland, when it hits the line "Since that first day when you made my heart smile" I get choked up because I feel so at home and at peace. And I get all of that with this C.D. It just makes me feel so happy and care-free. It allows me to escape from life and be content in the moment with what I have.
It just makes sense.
The playlist is playing again and again. Mostly because I just really like all the bands and all the songs already on the C.D. But the fact that I feel emotionally attached to it at the same time makes me want to throw it on. I think the night I put it on for the first time, I felt something I haven't in a really long time.
Something in my heart. Wow, who knew I had one, or that it could be revived?
Cd:
1. Steven
2. You Have My Attention- Copeland
3. Anybody Else but You- The Moldy Peaches
4. Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene
5. Penelope- Pinback
6. Okay, I believe You but My Tommy Gun Don't- Brand New
7. Hooray!- Minus the Bear
8. Cinder and Smoke- Iron and Wine
9. Hoodwink- Anathallo
10. All I Want is You- Barry Louis Polisar
11. Secret Heart- Feist
12. Girl Inform Me- The Shins
13. Intuition- Feist
14. In Fear and Faith- Circa Survive, Mmm Anthony Green
15. Am I Wrong?- Brand New
16. Summertime- Mae
17. Not All Bad -Terminal
18. Everything Reminds Me of Her- Elliott Smith
19. Do You Realize- The Flaming Lips
20. The Sound of Settling- Death Cab for Cutie
Ugh, such a good cd sometimes.
When it switches from the first track of Steven talking to You Have My Attention by Copeland, when it hits the line "Since that first day when you made my heart smile" I get choked up because I feel so at home and at peace. And I get all of that with this C.D. It just makes me feel so happy and care-free. It allows me to escape from life and be content in the moment with what I have.
It just makes sense.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Cramped
Hands, just some short work I just conjured up on some 8 pages of paper sitting in my room. I guess I figure I will type it up for you to read? Pointless, very much so.
*This all started when a teacher handed me a New Yorker advertisement and instructed me to write a lead(two-three begining sentences) on it.
"There! That's it. Stay still, you got it." He stopped dead in his tracks while he listened to the shutter snap closed and then open again. She would make me stop and pose in the most uncomfortable position he thought to himself as his arm quivered under his weight. Even since they had broken up she was finidng ways to make him miserable. Like carrying through with this photoshoot they booked while they were still in love.
His
He had seen her three, maybe four times since the heartbreaking event. On coincidence of course. Never intentional. Social gatherings mostly. I mean, when you have all the same friends and live in a ten mile radius of each other, you're bound to run into each other eventually.
Sure, initially he tried hiding, but why should he seclude and punish himself for the sake of her?: the girl who ripped him to shreads, the girl who left his life, the girl who took his heart, records, and foreign teas when she deserted him, the girl who he loved, the girl he could never forget, the girl who make him clench his heart for fear the heartbreak might actually cause him a trip to the hospital.
no, she wasn't worth it.
He never went to places he knew she would be:
The coffee house, the silent partk and his favorite clothing store (her place of employment).
But finally he did succumb to getting out of his cramped, wrecked, one bedroom apartment. If you could call it that. More so just a vicinity. She loved it, thought it was cosy and gave a reason to be close to each other. a reason to make love since he couldn't afford urban entertainment.
When he did run into her at first, he didn't know how to act. 'should I embrace her, agknowledge her, or maybe, do I ignore her?' He finally settled on acting like they were casual friends and as though nothing had ever happened.
He quickly learned she didn't really care whether he was there or not and she didn't seem phased on how to act. So he took her lead and acted the same. It hurt, it hurt not being wanted by her.
Anywys, as I have stated he had only seen her a few times but yet she has been cruel to him. torturting him in more ways then one:
-she would email him her short stories he used to critique for her and she would always sign the email "Thanks, love, Emily." That wretched 'love' word.
-she would walk to class(the way he took) in either
A)old sweaters of his that she never returned
B)provacative dresses, skirts, anything that when he laid his eyes upod her attire he heard himself gasp.
-she walked and smoked camel reds infront of the bar he worked at on her breaks.
She was so beautiful, so cruel.
And now this photo shoot?
She was an aspriring photography student who had to classify her final prject under a category of intangible items. I picked love, darling. and I love you. Be my subject?! It was a romantic gesture. He had always hoped she would take his picture but he was always reluctant to ask.
She had turned in her agenda of the project months in advance. The itenerary was as follows:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Emily Lark: Subject
-Scenes de apres, dans, et devant le "art of lovemaking"
How more perfect could it be? Every man's frivolous fantasty of documenting making love to the gorgeous girl he couldn't manage to live without. Needless to say the intenerary was changed after the seperation.
Now it was sribbled and read something like this:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Somehow manage to find essecne of love in a lonely, hopeless man.
Do I even need to render depressing?
He awoke on the morning of the shoot and rubbed his beard, or lack thereof. He had been growing it out, hoping for a face full of hair by mid spring. But she had sent a text message the night before wanting him to shave his beard before he showed or she would take matters into her own hands. He loved how persistent she was. So firm and striking.
He contemplated leaving it just so he could have deja vu of their times spent together where she would take care of him and do those things for him. He quickly shut the thought out knowing how desperate he would look and feel.
He shaved.
pulled on courdoroys. a dark brown.
pulled on a flannel button up.
flopped a sweater vest over.
bundled up in a pea coat(the one she bought), scarf(the one she loved), and his beenie(oh yeah, the one she knitt).
Sprayed some cologne. He hasn't worn it since the day she packed.
He left his room and braved the frigid ferbruary air. It whipped against his barely clean shaven face. He walked into the studio with beat cheeks and a rouged nose.
He looked around for her but there weren't many places for her to hide so he decided to sit out on the window ledge to wait and light a bowl. A habit she hated and he picked back up when she moved out.
But the time she arrived fifteen minutes later, he was so lost in tears and vivid memories he merely heard her calling his name, openeing the window. But when she jumped on his back to startle him and give him a quick hug, he jolted his hands cutting the air in way to his cheeks and huge glassy eyes to brush the fallen tears aside.
He couldn't show her he was suffering.
She immediately instructed him in between her greetings and compliments on his shave to lay on the old spring matress and to remove his coat and hat.
He posed
He posed for her.
"I need you to move closer here" she insisted.
"I need you so much closer" he murmured.
She stopped and stared.
"Benjamin, come on"
"You come on" he shot back, not sure what he was really meaning or what the intent was behind his words.
She stopoped dead, stared into his green eyes, searching for his heart, his soul, his intent.
Hers
Why is he saying this, What is he doing?
The day she thought would never come had booked itself and she couldn't redeem her ticket. She had to end their relationship. She had to leave. things had gone sour. She begged herself not to but she knew there were too many things pushhing her out the door, too many reasons packing her bags.
She tried to keep on with normal daily life, work, school, friends, parties and so on. but pulling herself out of bed every morning knowing that the train she would take to the campus would take her past his building made her wish she could curl up all day. The thought of having to be reminded of what she lost and couldn't have made her want to throw up. It was all too much. It kept her up at night. Tears streaming and soaking her pillow. In time she came to expect her pillow to be marked with last night's smeared make up when she awoke each morning.
Her friends had finally convinced her to live the social, single life again. She knew he would be at certain get-togethers and she prepared herself every night when it was something she would come into contact with him. How do I say hello? do I kiss him on the cheek, do i ignore him, do i act like nothing happened? When she got the destination to see him and she walked into the room he didn't turn his head to look. He didn't turn to glance when she laught at a joke.
The laugh he claimed to be addicted to
She took his lead of not really being bothered of him being in the room. He didn't seem to be flustered so why should she?
It hurt, it hurt not being noticed by him.
Her fate of no recognition beat her up insde badly. She wanted him to notice her in the slightest bit. A smile, a wave, a nod, a hello. Anything! Anything! She wanted him to let her know he felt like she did. She would never admit but she wanted to know if he still loved her like she did him. She wanted to know if he missed her like she did.
So she began to make herself noticeable:
-She sent him emails of her short stories she loved to write hoping he would see the hidden messages behind them. He had to have. He was intelligent.
-She would cross his path to class(never forgetting his schedule) wearing his ragged sweaters that still smelled like him. Maybe it would strike conversation. She wore dresses that she knew he loved and drove him up the wall.
nothing. She even dared to spend her breaks promenading down the street smoking their cigarettes and passing by his job. Nope.
Her last hope was telling him the photo project was still on. It dind't matter, she couldn't change it now anyway. It was too late and it had been set in stone long ago with her professor. He was expecting a brillaint portrayal of love.
She remembered the original itenerary like the back of her hand. but she had to change it. she couldn't even think about being intimate with him even if it were fake. it would bring too much back.
She woke up early that morning worried and with much to be done. She had sent him a text to shave or else, hoping it would tantalyzing to him. She knew that was a favorite trait of hers for him. she secretly wished he would leave it so she could take care of him one last time and shave him like old days. No, that was too much.
She slipped into a pain of old jeans.
A tight plunging deep red shirt.
Her peacoat he picked out to match his that she bought.
a scarf, gloves, and tam she knitt to match his beenie.
grabbed her camera and ran out the door. She realized she was almost twenty minutes late. She had cried while getting ready. it was so heart renching knowning she would have no choice but to gaze upon his bone structure, his polished body. This made her late.
When she arrived at the studio she walked inside expecting to explain herself. He was always so punctual. But instead she smelled the light air of burning green. A habit she picked up after she packed and moved on. She felt so hypocritical every high she floated towards.
She saw his silhouette out on the window fire escape ledge. She couldn't contain herself. If the photoshoot were to be anything but awkward, she needed to break the ice.
She called his name then climbed outside and grabbed him from behind interlocking her fingers as they wrapped around his middle. As she took her hands away after startling him, her fingers brushed his face before he turned around.
She felt it moisten.
There were tears on her hands.
He turned around. Glossy red eyes. She knew the weed wasn't the culprit.
He had been crying. She hadn't been the only one.
She complimented him on the shave then told him how she wanted him to pose. "There! that's it, Stay still, you got it." She snapped and snapped her shutter.
"I need you to move closer here"
"I need you so much closer" he stammered.
Woah, did he say that or was it just her mind rationacting things?
"Benjamin, come on" she meant it.
"You come on" He shot at her.
She stared deep into his green eyes and searched for anything behind this outbreak.
"Ben, what are you doing? why are you doing this now?" She continued to snap shutters in between while waiting for his answer.
"I just can't take this" He sighed.
"What?"
"This...this..this wall."
"Oh"
"I..I'm..I, uh, I miss you. It's just not the same"
Her eyes filled immensly with tears. "I'm sorry, I can't do this" she muttered. She grabbed her camera in a frenzy forgetting her coat, gloves, scarf and hat in a rush to get out the door.
He fell onto his back cursing his loquacious mind. His eyes followed her trail out the door noticing her belongings. She'll freeze.
He sat up, collected her things and ran out the door. He could still catch up. He was heaving by the time he saw her on the side walk.
-Note to self, stop smoking.
He clenched her hip swung her around, her body shivering from the cold taking over her body. He took her into his body and pushed his into hers.
Oh the way they fit.
He took her face into his hands.
He took her face into his hands.
Oh they way they fit.
His hands were still warm from inside. She watched his heaving breaths pump out and listened to him stammer words:
"I---------Need----y----youu-" He exasperated.
She shook uncontrollably and mumbled, "Ben, do you want a cup of coffee, maybe a bowl of schwag?"
He couldn't fathom how much he loved her.
*This all started when a teacher handed me a New Yorker advertisement and instructed me to write a lead(two-three begining sentences) on it.
"There! That's it. Stay still, you got it." He stopped dead in his tracks while he listened to the shutter snap closed and then open again. She would make me stop and pose in the most uncomfortable position he thought to himself as his arm quivered under his weight. Even since they had broken up she was finidng ways to make him miserable. Like carrying through with this photoshoot they booked while they were still in love.
His
He had seen her three, maybe four times since the heartbreaking event. On coincidence of course. Never intentional. Social gatherings mostly. I mean, when you have all the same friends and live in a ten mile radius of each other, you're bound to run into each other eventually.
Sure, initially he tried hiding, but why should he seclude and punish himself for the sake of her?: the girl who ripped him to shreads, the girl who left his life, the girl who took his heart, records, and foreign teas when she deserted him, the girl who he loved, the girl he could never forget, the girl who make him clench his heart for fear the heartbreak might actually cause him a trip to the hospital.
no, she wasn't worth it.
He never went to places he knew she would be:
The coffee house, the silent partk and his favorite clothing store (her place of employment).
But finally he did succumb to getting out of his cramped, wrecked, one bedroom apartment. If you could call it that. More so just a vicinity. She loved it, thought it was cosy and gave a reason to be close to each other. a reason to make love since he couldn't afford urban entertainment.
When he did run into her at first, he didn't know how to act. 'should I embrace her, agknowledge her, or maybe, do I ignore her?' He finally settled on acting like they were casual friends and as though nothing had ever happened.
He quickly learned she didn't really care whether he was there or not and she didn't seem phased on how to act. So he took her lead and acted the same. It hurt, it hurt not being wanted by her.
Anywys, as I have stated he had only seen her a few times but yet she has been cruel to him. torturting him in more ways then one:
-she would email him her short stories he used to critique for her and she would always sign the email "Thanks, love, Emily." That wretched 'love' word.
-she would walk to class(the way he took) in either
A)old sweaters of his that she never returned
B)provacative dresses, skirts, anything that when he laid his eyes upod her attire he heard himself gasp.
-she walked and smoked camel reds infront of the bar he worked at on her breaks.
She was so beautiful, so cruel.
And now this photo shoot?
She was an aspriring photography student who had to classify her final prject under a category of intangible items. I picked love, darling. and I love you. Be my subject?! It was a romantic gesture. He had always hoped she would take his picture but he was always reluctant to ask.
She had turned in her agenda of the project months in advance. The itenerary was as follows:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Emily Lark: Subject
-Scenes de apres, dans, et devant le "art of lovemaking"
How more perfect could it be? Every man's frivolous fantasty of documenting making love to the gorgeous girl he couldn't manage to live without. Needless to say the intenerary was changed after the seperation.
Now it was sribbled and read something like this:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Somehow manage to find essecne of love in a lonely, hopeless man.
Do I even need to render depressing?
He awoke on the morning of the shoot and rubbed his beard, or lack thereof. He had been growing it out, hoping for a face full of hair by mid spring. But she had sent a text message the night before wanting him to shave his beard before he showed or she would take matters into her own hands. He loved how persistent she was. So firm and striking.
He contemplated leaving it just so he could have deja vu of their times spent together where she would take care of him and do those things for him. He quickly shut the thought out knowing how desperate he would look and feel.
He shaved.
pulled on courdoroys. a dark brown.
pulled on a flannel button up.
flopped a sweater vest over.
bundled up in a pea coat(the one she bought), scarf(the one she loved), and his beenie(oh yeah, the one she knitt).
Sprayed some cologne. He hasn't worn it since the day she packed.
He left his room and braved the frigid ferbruary air. It whipped against his barely clean shaven face. He walked into the studio with beat cheeks and a rouged nose.
He looked around for her but there weren't many places for her to hide so he decided to sit out on the window ledge to wait and light a bowl. A habit she hated and he picked back up when she moved out.
But the time she arrived fifteen minutes later, he was so lost in tears and vivid memories he merely heard her calling his name, openeing the window. But when she jumped on his back to startle him and give him a quick hug, he jolted his hands cutting the air in way to his cheeks and huge glassy eyes to brush the fallen tears aside.
He couldn't show her he was suffering.
She immediately instructed him in between her greetings and compliments on his shave to lay on the old spring matress and to remove his coat and hat.
He posed
He posed for her.
"I need you to move closer here" she insisted.
"I need you so much closer" he murmured.
She stopped and stared.
"Benjamin, come on"
"You come on" he shot back, not sure what he was really meaning or what the intent was behind his words.
She stopoped dead, stared into his green eyes, searching for his heart, his soul, his intent.
Hers
Why is he saying this, What is he doing?
The day she thought would never come had booked itself and she couldn't redeem her ticket. She had to end their relationship. She had to leave. things had gone sour. She begged herself not to but she knew there were too many things pushhing her out the door, too many reasons packing her bags.
She tried to keep on with normal daily life, work, school, friends, parties and so on. but pulling herself out of bed every morning knowing that the train she would take to the campus would take her past his building made her wish she could curl up all day. The thought of having to be reminded of what she lost and couldn't have made her want to throw up. It was all too much. It kept her up at night. Tears streaming and soaking her pillow. In time she came to expect her pillow to be marked with last night's smeared make up when she awoke each morning.
Her friends had finally convinced her to live the social, single life again. She knew he would be at certain get-togethers and she prepared herself every night when it was something she would come into contact with him. How do I say hello? do I kiss him on the cheek, do i ignore him, do i act like nothing happened? When she got the destination to see him and she walked into the room he didn't turn his head to look. He didn't turn to glance when she laught at a joke.
The laugh he claimed to be addicted to
She took his lead of not really being bothered of him being in the room. He didn't seem to be flustered so why should she?
It hurt, it hurt not being noticed by him.
Her fate of no recognition beat her up insde badly. She wanted him to notice her in the slightest bit. A smile, a wave, a nod, a hello. Anything! Anything! She wanted him to let her know he felt like she did. She would never admit but she wanted to know if he still loved her like she did him. She wanted to know if he missed her like she did.
So she began to make herself noticeable:
-She sent him emails of her short stories she loved to write hoping he would see the hidden messages behind them. He had to have. He was intelligent.
-She would cross his path to class(never forgetting his schedule) wearing his ragged sweaters that still smelled like him. Maybe it would strike conversation. She wore dresses that she knew he loved and drove him up the wall.
nothing. She even dared to spend her breaks promenading down the street smoking their cigarettes and passing by his job. Nope.
Her last hope was telling him the photo project was still on. It dind't matter, she couldn't change it now anyway. It was too late and it had been set in stone long ago with her professor. He was expecting a brillaint portrayal of love.
She remembered the original itenerary like the back of her hand. but she had to change it. she couldn't even think about being intimate with him even if it were fake. it would bring too much back.
She woke up early that morning worried and with much to be done. She had sent him a text to shave or else, hoping it would tantalyzing to him. She knew that was a favorite trait of hers for him. she secretly wished he would leave it so she could take care of him one last time and shave him like old days. No, that was too much.
She slipped into a pain of old jeans.
A tight plunging deep red shirt.
Her peacoat he picked out to match his that she bought.
a scarf, gloves, and tam she knitt to match his beenie.
grabbed her camera and ran out the door. She realized she was almost twenty minutes late. She had cried while getting ready. it was so heart renching knowning she would have no choice but to gaze upon his bone structure, his polished body. This made her late.
When she arrived at the studio she walked inside expecting to explain herself. He was always so punctual. But instead she smelled the light air of burning green. A habit she picked up after she packed and moved on. She felt so hypocritical every high she floated towards.
She saw his silhouette out on the window fire escape ledge. She couldn't contain herself. If the photoshoot were to be anything but awkward, she needed to break the ice.
She called his name then climbed outside and grabbed him from behind interlocking her fingers as they wrapped around his middle. As she took her hands away after startling him, her fingers brushed his face before he turned around.
She felt it moisten.
There were tears on her hands.
He turned around. Glossy red eyes. She knew the weed wasn't the culprit.
He had been crying. She hadn't been the only one.
She complimented him on the shave then told him how she wanted him to pose. "There! that's it, Stay still, you got it." She snapped and snapped her shutter.
"I need you to move closer here"
"I need you so much closer" he stammered.
Woah, did he say that or was it just her mind rationacting things?
"Benjamin, come on" she meant it.
"You come on" He shot at her.
She stared deep into his green eyes and searched for anything behind this outbreak.
"Ben, what are you doing? why are you doing this now?" She continued to snap shutters in between while waiting for his answer.
"I just can't take this" He sighed.
"What?"
"This...this..this wall."
"Oh"
"I..I'm..I, uh, I miss you. It's just not the same"
Her eyes filled immensly with tears. "I'm sorry, I can't do this" she muttered. She grabbed her camera in a frenzy forgetting her coat, gloves, scarf and hat in a rush to get out the door.
He fell onto his back cursing his loquacious mind. His eyes followed her trail out the door noticing her belongings. She'll freeze.
He sat up, collected her things and ran out the door. He could still catch up. He was heaving by the time he saw her on the side walk.
-Note to self, stop smoking.
He clenched her hip swung her around, her body shivering from the cold taking over her body. He took her into his body and pushed his into hers.
Oh the way they fit.
He took her face into his hands.
He took her face into his hands.
Oh they way they fit.
His hands were still warm from inside. She watched his heaving breaths pump out and listened to him stammer words:
"I---------Need----y----youu-" He exasperated.
She shook uncontrollably and mumbled, "Ben, do you want a cup of coffee, maybe a bowl of schwag?"
He couldn't fathom how much he loved her.
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