I don't know what I want in a new relationship, but I can surely without fail say that I know I don't want anything that's been accumilated in my past relationships. Each have been full of selfishness and false promises. I'm so sick of hopes and plans only to be shattered to the floor and blown away with the changing winds of a new season.

It's got to end sometime, right? It's got to start making progress sooner or later, right?

Once again, I've been lead to believe that should give something a try again. Ha, only to find it was merely a gimic. I, of course, get 'fucked over' and emotionaly fucked as well. I guess some people can have emotionly detatched relations and physical mornings, but I just can't do it, not when I formally fell in love with them. It just can't be done for me.

So here I am left, to pick up the pieces of myself and try to forget and move on, but the temptation is always there. I am always reminded somehow. Even after progressing days without a thought, or memory, something will spark a thought in my head about something that has happened, and the whole charade arises again. I can't take it.

If someone could just explain how to make this better and to go away altogether, I would appreciate it. But if it's just hypothetical bullshit, I'd rather you just stay away.

Not to mention, this situation makes me vulnerable. And people know that.
They make slight moves and hints. They think I don't know that I realize they're taking apart in my vulnerability, my search for some closure. And yes, they're accomplishing things by making it harder for me and tempting with thoughts of being accepted and wanted again. But I just want that to stop as well.

"if it's love, you don't have to work at it"

Such a stupid simple quote, from such a stereotypical hollywood romance, but it's right in so many ways.