I am obviously meant to be alone in this world. Never at once have I felt so defeated and willing to tear myself apart and rip apart my being in actualy self hate before.

I cannot believe that once again, I have fucked things up so badly to the point of no return. Some might have thought that one would have learned from past situations and mistakes and better themself upon this subject. I apparently, do not fit in that mold of the simple 'learning from mistake' charade.

I am so disgusted with my performance. I cannot even look at myself in the eye when I reflect in the mirror.

For the past month I have been throwing up my arms in angst, cutting out and cropping down my life till there's nothing left of it. I have made myself this own way. First with Brendan, now with an old friend who I have rekindled with recently.

I want to just lay this out there:

On the subject of Brendan- He was my best friend for a whole year, and someone who through everything that had been happening througout a transitional period of my life, had been there, through and through only to catch me in my time of need. Our relationship grew, and from a series of events, we grew close and eventually became a couple. Things were good, things were great. It was a normalcy I needed in my life. But as soon as reality kicked in on August 25, so did the invitations, temptations and failure(succesfully none on my part). I was forced into a situation I never want to be made into again. I was a fair idiot, placed upon a pedalstool for all to galavant and mock at. Simply one of the worst feelings in the world. We promised to remain friends and when that didn't take off, I empatheticly tried to salvage what was left and take matters into my own hands to communicate and smile. He claims my friendship is one of the most important things, but yet can't find the decency or time to even call, text, or wave in my direction. I tried, I tried hard, but nothing worked. I decided 'I'm not trying this hard for nothing, if I'm that important, he can come to me'.

Such a immature approach, and look where it's gotten me: Dead no where.


Old friend- We became friends at the beggining of the first semester last year. He was someone I partied with and met with on occasion but soon, for some reason I honestly can't recall, we drifted. Then I began dating Steven Molina, who, of course, was hated by the general generation of my age group, including this 'friend'. It upset most people that somehow I would find happiness in someone so 'disgusting' and 'vile'. I can understand reasoning on why these people fret about him, they had bad experiences. But I cannot help in I never experienced something wrong with him, and for once a boy treated me right and with respect. I had no bones to pick with our relationship, and therefor, it worked. Steven and I's relationship dwindled in the last few months and we finally called it quits, for our laziness had taken over and we both were fed up with trying. Being single, and away from Steven brought back people I hadn't seen or spoken with in a long while, including recently, this friend. Lately we have been hanging out again and having fun revisiting old times and what not. Things were going great until last night:

Set up: I was invited to a party with him and decided I had no other commitments and why not? We go together and I enjoyed every minute I was there, until I saw someone who has continued to disown me and reject me based on my relationship with Steven. I wasn't going to fall to the ground in haste declaring I wouldn't want to be in the same room, in fact I was planning on making it a good night, until words were exchanged. I was drunk, and in that matter, I became extremly angry at what was said(normally I would've disregarded such a statement). I just felt so much hate at that once instant, not mostly on what was said, but the fact that someone can act in such way because of a decision I made long ago. I couldn't even stand to be in the same vicinity as him and so I made a clear decision to leave.

Problem: I announced(mouthed) I was leaving to my friend while he was in a game of beer pong. I negelected to say why, as I just didn't want to make a scene and also because this person was right next to us. It was clear he was mad that I would just up and out like that only having been there about 2 hours. I left ubruptly and hammered, I drove home only to remember my friend's keys were in my car. I let him know, him already being angry at me for leaving which escalated his anger. I explained I would return them in the morning, it was an accident and I had forgotten they were in there in the first place. He disregarded this and I fell asleep in the middle of him trying to figure out how he was going to get them back in text message.
Little did I know, he was also feeling like an idiot when everyone asked where I had gone to and why, and he couldn't answer. I had embarassed him.

and now because of these stupid actions and poor judgment, our friendship is who knows where, because I was shady and thought I did the right thing.

I am doing this to myself, only because I can't see myself happy.
What the fuck is wrong with me.