Constant reminders of why I miss houston


And mom is really late.
we have to be ready at 11
i have yet to shower eat or get ready

i have 15 minutes
thanks for being so social.

my nose is stuffy for sleeping in the bed that trixie is always on, allergic to kitties.

headache from being drunk, no more everclear.

no wanting a certain few in my life, but they are more than ever pushing themselves into it.
wont let it happen
i wont let them ruin my state of mind that has finally found somewhat of something called clarity.
they wont confuse me.

and there's melted chocolate all over my new peacoat.

thanks eric for throwing raisinettes at me and letting them melt.
love it.

My most foremost sign of infatuation:

Scrunched nose.

And it had been scrunched since 3:00 a.m.

Well maybe it's been taking some breaks, but still nonetheless

My stomach and insides are growling,



I think that must mean I'm hungry.


Bitch, bitch, bitch, that's all I hear from you, body!

Well everybody drowns sad and lonely and I'm alright!


I saw gold mines in the sky sky sky

She began to tell him everything that she knew about, of which everyone thought she was clueless. He didn't understand her the majority of of the time they conversed, of which she also knew. But she didn't care, she knew he was there for her to listen despite his mind capacity(or lack thereof).

"I think you are my best friend", He told her one afternoon on their daily Tuesday walk.
She knew that meant a lot considering he never let another woman into his life except his dear Lucy. Lucy Diamond. She smiled gently, grabbed his hand, and proceeded to take him to the park's lake.
"Look at yourself", she sighed deeply, "what do you see?"
"Sam, I see Sam! Your turn!", he shrieked as he giggled at the thought of his own reflection.
"Oh, well, I see a father, a hardworking man, a sweet face, and a big heart" she replied.

"You see all of that?" He questioned, not comprehending how she saw his heart, or his job in the water.
"Sure", she said, "It's simple you see, you look what the person is made up of, instead of what the person's looks are made up of. It's like finding a hidden meaning, like a game Sam, like a game you play"

"Like a word find for the International House of Pancakes?" he questioned, seeing if this type of game was one he would really like to play or not.

"Just like that, your favorite!"

"Just like John was born on the 9th, like his son was born on the 9th and his mother lived on number 9 NewCastle Liverpool. NewCastle-Liverpool, nine letters!! Just like Lucy says!, Just like Lucy's game!"

And at the moment, not only did was she reminded of their unconditionel love for music, but the fact of what she was searching for: undying love from a friend, a man, would never be found in Sam. for his love, and all love was in Lucy's heart.

there you are, no I can see those kind eyes.


She walked into the room, and double took around the room. Taken aback by the wall of hanging paper cranes made from newspaper, flyers, bills, notices, she tried to find his gentel features flowing through; carried by sunrays.

"I tried, I tried hard" He looked at her with his deep blue eyes.
Growing frusterated, she felt to scream, "try harder!"
"Yeah, but you don't know, you don't know!"
"I dont know what?"
"You don't know what is'ts like when you try you try you try you try you try and you dont eve get there, Because you were born perfect. And I was born like this. YOU'RE PERFECT!... People lie you don't know, people like you don't know what it's like to get hurted because you don't have feelings! People like you don't feel anything"

She started to wimper and caught herself, thinking she would prove him wrong, "Let me tell you something about people like me. People like me feel loost and ugly and dispensible." She squeezed her eyes to hold back, "People like me have husbands screwing other women more perfect that me." She didn't care, she let go. "Its like every morning I wake up and I fail, I look around everyone is pulling up but some how I can't... I try hard."

As he took her into his arms, and began to kiss her shoulder, she let her ihibitions go. She embraced him back and began to cry, letting all the bottled up thoughts of the past seven years ramble out. All he could see was Lucy reading the book, reading the line, reading the words, "We're so different, but how come I feel so the same"

He was always seen as the "retard", "disabled", "handicapped", "stupid", but at that moment as their bodies shifted perfectly to fit, she felt as if they were one in the same: Graduates of Law school, Beatles Fans, Parents, lovers. He completed her missing puzzle piece.

I can't help thinking about what I told Cassi last night in the car on the way to my house to drink.
I must have sounded like a honest crazy person. Someone who needs to be put away ahah. Telling her about the thoughts I have, and how I can't think logicly anymore. And how afraid I am I won't be able to love anyone again, and I will end up by myself. And how sometimes I fall asleep so much just so I can dream. Why do I want to live so badly through them?
She said she wakes up in the morning and thinks about how I am.
That's sad when someone worries about you the moment they awaken.
Don't get me wrong, I am a really happy person and I love who I am. I just don't understand who I am though.
And I really think I need help, even if it's someone just to sit and listen to me ramble. They really don't even have to talk to me, just listen.

I don't understand how to function sometimes anymore.
I have become somewhat a monster to my own mind, and I need to be stopped. My head has some scary way of not letting things go no matter how much I try. And having a blogger and a journal is good for me, because what I cannot put into physical words, I can write down and say and let them out of my brain. It was an outlet. and that really helped for the longest time, but now I need something else. Writing, painting, drawing doesn't help anymore.

I know I am young and that I shouldn't have to worry if I will end up alone, but I can't help it. I have had so many chances with people. and I never can feel anything more that a crush on them. I won't allow myself. After falling deeply into love once, I just can't do it again. I can't feel that way. And I don't want that, I want to feel that way. I want someone to take me away from my life in every aspect.

But I'm afraid that will never happen again.
And that really scares me. That's why I sleep alot. to dream. When I dream, I dream of when I was alive. and feeling lost in love.

You know, and I'm not depressed or anything, and like I said I really truly am happy. Everyone knows that too. I always have a smile, a real smile, on my face. I have a great sense of humor(im not conceited im just saying lately) and I'm growing into a nice young lady.

But I just need to sort out things in my life.
I've been saying that for a long time.

But now I actually will do it.

So I this will be my last post.
I will stay away untill let's say January 31 at least. Maybe I'll post then.
Good bye. Wish me luck!

everyone has left for Chicago :(


this weekend was good though.
Friday I actually worked, and it wasn't too bad, once the children fell asleep. But I had a hard time not falling asleep. But I made really good money, so it was completely worth it.

Saturday I woke up pretty early and cleaned the whole upstairs. It was sickening how bad I let it go. A complete mess and clutter of shit. Then I fought the christmas shoppers crowd and went out to pick up a few more gifts for everyone.
When I got back I fell right into my bed and drifted into a nap. I love dreaming. It's probably one of the few times I feel safe in my own body. I wish my life was really what happened in my dreams. Things make sense and they're logic in my head in dreams.
I woke up and Cassi wanted to know if I wanted to go with her to pick her mom up from the Airport. So we battled the traffic to DFW. Haha singing along to The Goodnights with Mr. Oberloier. Aww Patrick. He was a nervous wreck, smoking and freaking out before we got there. Haha.

"I'm falling in and out of love with you, I've never loved someone the way I loved youuuuu" The musical sounds of Alicia Keys. Ha, she is so brillaint, I don't care if she's R&B and too cool for me, I love her voice.

Anyways, we went back to Cassi's and she packed and I ate a bowl of ice cream yum. We watched part of the notebook and christmas with the Kranks with her parents, then headed back to my house.

We concocted a good acoholic drink with some svedka vodka. Mmm, tasted so good. I love that feeling of drinking. Ah! It's the way your stomach feels when you're in love, but just more warm. Ah, can't get enough of it. Then we met Cam at starbucks. His mom got me a necklace for christmas, it's cute.
Then my mother called twice so I needed to go home and call her from the house or else she wouldn't believe me I was doing what I was supposed to do. Ha, so we did that, then watched tv for a while and shit.

Then I retreated upstairs when a sudden rush of drowsiness came over me. I smoked for a while then put it out and made some dinner around 12:30. Some pasta and stuff. I finally decided to just quit waiting and go to bed. Whatever.

That's just what bothers me. Just say something, Don't leave me hanging. That's rude.


"When the rain comes pouring down and my heart is hurting, you will always be around, this i know for certain, i dont worry cause everythings gunna be alright people keep talking they can say what they like but i all i know is everythings gunna be alright." alicia guurrrrrrrrrl you so good.

"I know some people search the wor;d to find something like what we have i know people will try try to divide something so real so till the end of time I'm telling you no one, no one, no one, will get in the way of what I feel for youuuuuu"

Hahah I really like that song, it really pertains to nothing in my life, but I still sing it all the time.

I am on the edge of a beautifully apholstered love seat in a family's living room, tedering on the brink of sleep. Wonderful sleep.
I love this house, it's so warm and alive. So full of traditions and good tidings. It's funny that I openly see the parents bickering at each other constantly and each of them having their downfalls. But you wouldn't guess by the sight of things that their relationship was rocky.

Everyone leaves for Chicago on sunday morning.
I'm really upset. What will I do without Cam and Cass and Tanner for a whole week? It won't even be life.

Isolationism.
Helllloo Thomas Jefferson.

Anyways. My parents have decided to leave for the weekend again. So the whole house in mine. Actually Katie (sister) came home from Tech this weekend. So she will be here, But she's working at night so I'm sure the house will be full late around 12 or 1.

Regardless, I've decided to do tomorrow night right.
Complete with hopefully getting really piss drunk off of cheap beer.
How classy of me. But you know, I feel a need to celebrate my success, or maybe lack thereof.

Oh well, whatever the occasion, it willl be done right!

I just don't understand:
-what i'm showing you wrong
-why i'm not mature enough
-what i'm missing out on
-how i'm being isolated
-how i'm not ready
-how staying will benefit me
-how you're so ignorant
-how you don't see how bad I want this
-how you don't see how much I hate this
-how you haven't known this for the past fucking 3 years
-how you have forgotten everything we've talked about
-how you have forgotten how I left
-how you have forgotten that night when you rubbed my back and said "i know julie"
-how you have forgotten all the things said that night
-how you have forgotten how much I told you that night
-how you have forgotten how much I told you being here caused me pain
-how you don't want me to be happy
-how you think my future is to satisfy you
-how you think I've worked hard for four years for you
-how you think I'm not exploring options.

Just admit it, you don't want this for me.
Stop trying to blame it on something, YOU DON'T WANT THIS FOR ME.

God, that's the one thing I detest; You going back on your words.
Your words for the last four years of my life. Agreeing with me on how much I hated this place, on how much you were behind me on getting out.
And now it's like you would do anything to not have that happen.
I have waited so long for this moment, and I'm sorry but you controll the decision, and you don't understand how much it hurts to watch it being ripped away from me.
I don't understand why you think it doesn't matter to me that much. I yelled/cried in the car for 30 minutes because you didn't get it. you didn't get how much I crave that. I don't know how to get it through to you.

I acted like an adult, rash and level headed, and still I am the one who ends up in tears with residue running down my face.
Why?
I saw your point of view, I tried it.
I DOESN'T WORK AND YOU KNOW IT.

So why after all the evidence is there, can't you just support me like you said you would.
Please, why are you letting me down.

couting down-

t minus:

14 days till christmas
15 days till i leave for houston
17 days till my day of birth
20 days till new years eve

four wishes

1. camera, scarves, hats
2. quality time with my best friend
3. a "good" birthday spent with people who care about me
4. a quality new years eve with someone who cares

sing this lullaby to yourself.




Temperament:
Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.
Interests:
Simple
You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.
Amusement:
Thoughtful
You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.
Passion
Traditional:
Your notions about romance are viewed as unrealistic by many, but don't let that stop you. When you think of romance, you think of huge gestures of commitment, sacrifice and love like we see in the movies. Flowers, chocolate, and wine are just some of the ways to your heart. You want to feel loved and treasured by your partner and you expect to be courted, admired and hotly pursued. You long for old fashioned dating.



Why is so right?

Question:

What is going on with you?
You know who you are.

I still smell the remaints of last night on my skin and hair. The sweet smell of smoke and sheets.

The whole Neal family minus Zach and I went out to Haileys in Denton last night. Geroge Neal is Mr. Neal's cousin. Ha, when I was telling Cameron about who was playing and I saw that it said George Neal and I was just going to be stupid and witty and ask "hah, are you guys related" and turns out they really are!

We got there just in time. And Mr. Neal went up there to talk to George and he was really surprised. The show was really good, we stayed for most of it. Then after George's band was done we talked to him for a while. He wants Cameron to jam with them, so that will be fun. Also, he told us at Jay Jay's pizza, there was a John Lennon tribute show going on and he would be playing there as well around 11. So we hung out a bit more at haileys and then headed over there. We listened to an actual beatle's cover band. and they were ridiculously on cue.

Cam and I decided to head back to haileys cause we wanted to hear a certain group that was about to play.
Might I add it was about 30 or less degrees, and from getting dressed yesterday when it was about 80, I had a paper thin dress on, with the tiniest sweater. So needless to say I was shivering like a crack addict.
When we got back Cam pulled out his pack and went "you want one?" ha, I immediately shook my head and replied "no......yes" ha, then took it greatfully and had my way with it.

It has been so long since I've tasted that sweet burning on the edge of my lips. I think the last time I smoked, I was at UNT about two-three months ago. And taylor got in trouble and he had my pack. I left without it, and I haven't bought a new one since. Just made myself quit like that.

It's so tempting now. To have that constant need for the next nicotine rush. Uhhhh, I can feel my stomach quivering now just to have one more drag.

See, this is why I am my own worst nightmare! Hah, I give into myself so easily.

Needless to say when I got home last night, I jumped into bed and passed out in nearly ten minutes. All I have left of that piece of "candy" is the smell that stuck to my sheets.

Oh ever so bored as can be right now. Working on watching those babies. Not really, on the contrary though, I am doing a good job of getting paid.

Tomorrow should be good I hope so anyways.
I think my mom and I will go to mockingbird to pick out some boots or something. I needed a desperate trip using her money instead of mine to Urban.

Then I plan to accompany Mr. Neal to Hailey's in Denton to see a good folk/country show.
Woooooh.

I am proceeding to watch Degrassi. Oh fake highschool drama. Cable television has temporarily stolen my brain.


Rarrrrrrr

Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.

Ahhhhh, I am driving myself insane possibly. Ugh "it" makes my stomach drop in the most wonderful way. But I don't know why I think about "it" because "it" isn't even in my life! "It" makes me feel childish and giddy, and dimply. No! No! No! Why does "it" do this to me?!

I fink I have frost bite. Soooooo cold. All my hair is standing on my skin.

I am laying in my bed inbetween fifty sheets because I am sick. Woke up with a horrible migraine and threw up a couple times. Mmm cute. I do hope to make it to at least one of my classes today. Really would feel bad if I skipped a whole day. My fingers are so cold that it's really hard to move them to hit the right keys!

I guess I started feeling like shit last night around 7. I don't even know why I feel bad. I haven't really done anything. And it's not like something contagious, it's just feeling really run down and shitty. Which creeps me out because I was perfectly happy and upbeat and fine until 7!

So I took a bath around 8 and layed in the tub for a really long time. With just my face poking out of the water so I can breathe. I like to deafen myself with the water over my ears. So all I can hear is my thoughts and my breathing. It comforts me in an odd way. Feels like I'm the only one who exsists in that one small moment of life. It allows me to forget about everything that's going on in my life and be simple and delicate for a period in time.

Lately, I don't know why, it's been on my mind alot. I'm never one to consume thought of someone, but I just can't stop! My imagination I guess is running away with different thoughts about it! I Don't know why hahaah. I know I won't have it, or have a chance with it, but my mind won't let it go. And I found myself actually conversing with my mind. Hahah. Saying "I mean it's not like it's going to happen, so drop it, forget about it already, you need to stop it, you're coming on, you're coming on too strong, stop stop stop" Hahha, oh no. But as much as I have done in my life, my brain also defies me. Thanks alottt. It learns from the best huh.

I hate the fact I can text message again now. I'm beginning to think there's deffinitely a down side to it. I fell asleep last night around 9 and slept for a while. Then Kelley texted me, and bareley awoke me, so I texted back a short "hey" which I mispelled from being drunk with dreams. And then Cam texted me and wanted me to read a message he sent me on the computer. I felt that it was actually important, or it sounded it was, and I got really worried as I waited for the computer to turn on. I read it, and it was good for me to read I Guess. He really cares about our friendship and I know he's one of my genuine friends. After last week, and my little outburst to him on Friday night, I guess I kinda needed that reassurance.

In a short sense, he's just afraid of change. Especially when we all go away next year and he's left here. That is scary. But he knows he's welcome to come stay with me any day all day long. So I'm sure next year he will be in my room every weekend jamming like he always does. That will be good.

welp, I feel myself drifting again. So excuse me while I pass out for about ten hours.

Despite my wonderful mood eariler, which surprisingly came from no particular occurance, I feel absolutely horrible.

I am really sick.
I think caffine is really getting to me. I really need to stop. I need to cut off cold turkey.

Ugh ugh ughhhh.
I talked to Hayley today. First time in months. And I told her how I felt. and everything. and it was almost bitter sweet. I told her that I would like to imagine that if I knew the real her, I would love and care for her just as much as I did for the "fake" Hayley I loved and cared for during our four year friendship. I did cry as I told her I loved her always and forever and I cried when she told me she was happy for once, and she liked starting over and she was finally comfortable for herself. Something I could never understand how to remedy.

Things shape up eventually I suppose.
As for me, days are growing closer for me to grow one year older. Weird I'm another year older.
Ugh so strange. I am getting so old now. Yet so young and coming into my prime, I would like to think.
I am going to crawl literally to the bathtub and soak in boiling hot water and watch myself prune. maybe I will feel better? And then crawl to my big bed and curl up in between sheets and doze off.

Can this week end already!!! I want to just get friday night over with. And make something out the weekend because I surely have failed for the past two.

I would really wish to think that all those times we sat in the car, house, bathroom, pool. ect. that the reason why you didn't want to tell me or the reason why you said outloud "should I tell Julie" was because you didn't want to hurt me in the end.

With your dumb lies, you really have torn apart my life not to mention my best friend's. I told my mom everything, I confided in her when we had no terms at all, because I wanted to most help for you I could find and I didn't know what a 14 year old girl at the time could do. And I don't have the guts to tell my mom that you are a liar, you lied.

Does four years of friendship not mean a thing?
Wait, it wasn't friendship. It was four years of lies.
So I guess you can't even answer that question.
Does four years of lying not mean a thing?
Obviously not.

Well, someone's changed. And for once it's not me!

Hahhaha, ugh! Some people have turned into such "dicks" these days. My mom and I went to target and to run errands today in the afternoon together, and on our last stop, Target, we saw Kyle. Ha, my mom and I said hey which he thoroughly ignored me and said hello to my mom. Then we walked down the aisle and my mom goes "Man, I really like his sweater" so we walked back up the aisle and ran into him again. My mom stops and goes "So how are you doing Kyle?" and I told him my mom liked his sweater. And he gave the bitchiest answers to my mother. So rude. So rude.

When we walked away I just started laughing because my mom was like "well someone doesn't want to be alive today". I mean you can be as much as a dick to me as you want. but don't be rude to my mother just because you have a problem with me. My mom let me get away with so much stuff when I was with you, she let any doubts about you out of her mind, she never onced judged you despite all the usual things she dislikes, she thought of you as the biggest sweetheart and loved you, she made you treats all the time. God! And you actually have the nerve to be rude to her! HA!

Then I told her about how he's been falling into pot and drinking alot and stuff. And my mom just lost alot of respect for him. She understands he's been through alot lately with his parents and all. But she made a valid point by stating that just because times have been rough doesn't give anyone the right to do such things.


It's just funny how you can call someone "the best thing you ever had" and then be a complete asshole to their face once something's over.

As I recall it wasn't one person's fault things closed, it was mutual.
And in that case, I guess you're sending me the message to be a mutual asshole back.

Haha but I won't stump to that level. Because I'm better than that, unlike you, as you have shown. HA someone who hated all of that. Ha. You have no respect for yourself.

How do I tell someone something when I have no prior information to back my thoughts and feelings?

Is that even possible?
Ah my mind

Conclusion- My life would be about 75% easier if I knew what people really honestly thought about me. Because then I wouldn't have to make decisions on a perceived guess and make a mess of things!

If I would have known honestly how certain people feel about me, ugh, I would never have messed up so much.

I am so dense sometimes, about feelings of adoration and such. Why does it never click when someone cares for me more than in a friendly way and then when it is put out on the table I am suddenly caught off gaurd. Resulting in my response being pulled out of my ass, and ending up sounding like words jumbled together. And I try to leave it open-ended so I mean nothing by it until I can further think about it, but in actuality I just left someone feeling like a stub and ruined what was ever consisted of their pride.

I feel like screaming because I am Julia Ellen Green: Utterly the most confusing person on the face of the planet.

At least I have accomplished something.

I'm in the early uprising sense of a change in myself. I can just tell.

I've always been a girl who has never followed the beaten path. At first, this was hard for my family and friends to really understand. And for the longest time I fought to make them understand and to support me and continue to love me although I might be out of the ordinary.

But now it seems like I want the stability of pre-determined destiny. Ugh what is that even?!

Sometimes the fact that I have the ability to leave home and do what I want, and to have the real world at my fingertips scares me. Scares me so much I feel like crying or breaking down.

I know myself, and I make a mess of things I don't know how to deal with correctly. And life, I deffinitely don't know how to deal with. So being by myself out there, oh god, I am my own worst enemy.

I really really really, dreamed, hoped, begged, prayed, for University of Texas to be right for me and to be what I want. And as the day grows closer to my personal visit and everytime I continue to look at their website, catalogue, I feel that it is what I want and where I want to be. One of the best Film Departments here! What more could I honestly want: a great school, a great city, a great life, a great oppertunity?

But right now I feel like I need to put that aside and stay put. I guess I will either stay at a community college (despite how people say it's like highschool and not real school) or maybe go to UNT for a semester or year.

I guess the reason behind my logic is, that UT and all the enviornment offers me is too good for me. I don't want to go into that life not fully prepared and fuck it all up and screw myself. But maybe if I spend more time actually growing up and finding out who I am (I still have no clue) I can have more of a chance to "make it".

I wish someone would just tell me what to do for my life.
And I would do it instantly. Pre-determinded, going down that beaten path, no more obscurities. I kinda fought all those years for nothing. How sad that is haha.

Another birthday is arising.
Ohhhhhhhh lorddddyyyyy.

Nice reallll nice

I am a hypocrite. AHahahahhahahahaahahaha, I think it's funny

Headrushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm in need of something to keep me preoccupied for a while.
Anything? Anything?
Please honestly let me know of anything I can do to keep busy

I am a full blown people-pleaser.
I think that has been the source of so much struggle and stress about myself over the years. I can never stop loving them no matter what they do to me, and to satisfy them gives me utter joy.

So I hurt my health and soul for someone.

And I wonder, is it worth it?

Yes.
Because I love my parents, and I love to make them proud of me.
Even if it means tearing up myself.

Too little, then too big.
Too everything!


I don't know how to burn a document to a cd.

My mind isn't here anymore.
I scrolled through my recieved calls list, and I conversed with three different people on three different occasions for more than five minutes, and it hurts to try to remember so hard if I really did talk to them.

Because I honestly don't know if I did.

Im ready for a vindication to fall back on.

I wince at what I could be messing up.

Puzzled

Does not beging to compensate for the way my state of being stands.

I don't know about anything anymore.

I miss so much in my life.

I feel and emptiness dragging me down deeply. Into a catylst full of dark emotion I try to resist to feel, and in that resistance, I lose my ability to feel anything furthermore.

It's kind of strange.

I don't react to anything anymore.
I didn't react to my best friend for three + years lying to me every inch about every inch of her life.
I just shrugged my shoulders and said "that's fucking stupid". But I don't know if that shrug of my shoulders and use of profanity was just running through the motions of what I should be doing.

I didn't tear, I didn't question. I just laxed.

What is wrong with me.
What is wrong with my mind.
what is wrong with my heart.
What is wrong with my emotions.
What is wrong with my pysche.
What is wrong with me?

I wish there was something or someone to awaken what has been dormant recently.

Wishing

Currently wanting: To know Orenthal's real truth.

I read his book today, "If I Did It" and I really was taken aback by it.
I really had no Idea about all that had gone on in his life. Now that book, contrary to popular belief isn't written for his satisfaction. It is purely blood money collected by Nicole Brown's family and he takes respsonsibility for all domestic violence.

I guess I don't recall much from the actual time period of the murder, and the murder trial and all the investigation that went along at the time, considering I was around 5 or 6( I do remember my parents saying "the simpson trial is on" and my brother sister and i running for the tv because we thought it was the Simpsons hah). But I have watched alot of tv shows in my free time on A&E and such that showcased the alleged murder.

I honestly had no idea how much their marraige suffered. the book showcased letters from Nicole shortly after she had sent divorce papers feeling regret for breaking up and admiting to their stressed and failed relationship was mainly due to her part, or lack thereof.

I talked with my parents about it tonight when we had dinner, and they asked me if I thought he was guilty or not. And I blatently said no. when they asked me why I laughed and said "If the glove don't fit, you must aquit". But really, sometimes I believe he really didn't murder them. But then again all the evidence works against him.

He said at the end of the trial, that he would spend every oppertune moment he had and every dollar he owned and every inch of dedication to finding the real murderer in this crime.

Why he didn't live up to that I don't know.

But my one real wish in this world, is that maybe someday before he or I dies, I want him to tell me the real honest to god truth. Even if that means I have to see him in heaven(or such a place) to know, then so be it. But I want to know. Because I Stood up for him, and I want to know if my heart is in the right place.

Hm

I guess I am just mad at myself. I mean how can I really blame today's modern society?

I can only blame myself for such an intorlerable act, because it is infact, my fault.

My parents are going to their anual holiday festive parties. Since my dad is really important to his job and his customers he really tkaes care of them and makes sure they have a good, safe time. So every year when they have these parties that run till 2 or 3 in the wee hours, he gets hotel rooms so no one drives and gets hurt or whatever.

And every year I sit at home on these nights and just chill at home. This year will be different however, because my sister won't be there. She usualy threw something at our house, where I would end up coming home at midnight to a house full of drunks/stoners. Which is hey all fine with me, I wasn't expected to be held accountable for that and nothing ever went wrong.

I think we all know how I stand with drugs and the use of them, and how I sometimes percieve people who use regularly. Now I do have the right to form the opinion that I have, seeing as I watched my brother fuck up his life on drugs and such. I do have the view point and the information to make my views. If I was some stupid preteen who quoted "drugz are bad, don't do them" I would slap myself as well, but I don't feel that way. I just feel like yeah go do your drugs, but don't do them with me, near me, or be on them with me or near me. It's just cause I don't like getting involved with that stuff.

The times I have gotten involved haven't ended that well, and I don't want to mess with that stuff again.

So this year I was thinking of holding a little get together at my parent's place the night of the parties so I wouldn't be bored out of my mind. And by get together, I simple mean "get together". NOTHING more. Just some good quality friends hanging out watching movies, playing games you know. I mean sure there would probably have been a few sips of something along the way. But we can all handle that, and I know they people who I would want involved can handle that.

Iguess it's only my fault because I advertised it. But I love how once people hear of a free location, they suddenly become your best friend. Not because its a place without parental guidance, not because it's a place everyone else is going, but because it's a place they can get their next fill.

They're not intrested except to get that next high.

So whatever, I hope you know if you are one of those people how I feel about you.
You won't be welcome, plain and simple.

So the get together continues and I seriosuly welcome everyone, I want to have a great night with loads of fun and maybe some wine here or there ;) but if you show up at my door with that pipe in hand, or whatever, don't be surprised when it's shut right in your face.

No one thinks you're fucking great cause you shoot up.
especially me, way to lose my respect.


-edit- i have friends that smoke and such, and im okay with that, i never said i have to have straight edge friends, its just, they know not to come into my house or around my family high or with drugs on them. its just common curtesy guys

Eragh

No school! I do not want to return to school. I do not want to work and I do not want to learn. No no no.

I watch you grow away from me in photographs, And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again.
I started losing sleep and gaining weight, And wishing I was ten again, So I could be your friend again.


These days we go to waste like wine,That's turned to turpentine.
It's six AM and I'm all messed up; I didn't mean to waste your time,So I'll fall back in line

But I'm warning you we're growing up
I heard you found some pretty words to say, You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in.


Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates, And conquers from within again


These days we go to waste like wine;That's turned to turpentine.
It's six AM and I'm all messed up.
I didn't mean to waste your time,So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up.
We're OK I know we're OK

But these days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up.

Come awn Kiki

Dat was fuhnnie.

Dreaming in black and white

tonight was so good and cheery! first all day i slept in so much. i seriously cannot remember the last time I slept in like that! it felt so good, I was sooo tired. then i saw my brother off with the doggies :( so sad to see the little bundles of joy leave. they deffinitely brought a little personality to our thanksgiving weekend. not that my family doesnt bring enough, ha that's for sure.



then all day long i lounged around and watched football on the television with my faja. which a&m won, so he was in a good mood. always a favorite game. second year in a row they have managed to beat texas. what a joy. then finally around five i managed to get dressed and pull myself together for dinner with Cam!



We went out to Pei Wei and got some good chinese food. my favorite. thats the way to my heart everytime a good chinese dinner. mmmm. yum!



then we met cass at Blockbuster and decided to grab "the black daliah" and return to my pad and watch it. haha. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. it was so confusing and with everyone in my house talking we would miss important quiet lines spoken. haha. and then it finally comes together at the very end. and its creepy. i will most deffinitely have nightmares about the last scene where the body pops up. thankfully i looked away when they slit her cheeks open. creepers!



then we headed back up to the shopping center to return that horrid movie and to meet Marcus at starbucks and have a get together! it was so much fun. brought alot of holiday joy haha. i loved it, especially since the whole highschool seems to gather there. oh joy. we are goobers and we feed off each other when we're around each other. cassi and i had a good time in the bathroom ahaha, so retarded together. and then told marcus and cam about it. hah they enjoyed it.



i just got home. and my fingers are so numb its ridiculous. haha. sitting outside for more than two hours in 20 degree weather suckeddddd. but it was good too. i really did enjoy my coffee as usual (ahem adddicccctttt) hahah.



tomorrow off to see across the universe again for the fourth time!

yay love it, and i am sure i will somehow embarass myself and sing during the whole movie. haha.

off to bed i go, im desperately tired

wam bam thankya mamm

I kinda realized that all around me everyone has someone.
A significnt other, or someone who they're interested in, or they are infact the intrustee (is that a word?). I like it, I like seeing everyone so happy and fullfilled by the hopes of young love and infatuation; it's cute really.

I don't really mind that I don't have anyone. It's okay. I like seeing other people happy, even if I'm not. I guess I live through their happiness, which is okay with me.

Sometimes I do feeelll really lonely late @ night when I wish I could have a meaningful goodnight with someone, but I think I like the thought of someone being there for me, then having to actually deal with commitment.

I am a commitment failure hahahaha! I am really okay with that though.
I'm content with my relationship status: Julie. :D

mm,mm,mm

KT got home.
Dats nice, cause now I'm not forced to be by myself having awkward conversations.
I'm not a fan of that

I'm a modern Gurlz

but I fold in half so easily when I put myself in the picture of success; I could learn world trade or try to map the ocean.

Mmm Rilo Kiley I love-is you.
Finally it's Thanksgiving break. Yayyy. Yesterday Cassi and I ventured to Mockingbird and shopped that up, cause "I love looking fly" I guess as Allan would say. Hahah. It was fun. And it always is.

Went out to eat with mom and faja at the "club" hahha. @ las colinas. the food there is always really good, and I have missed the last few times they have gone, so I guess I was happy to go. And the Maitre D' likes me so he always hooks me up with some good bread pudding and desserts to take home yum.
Then I went to go catch up with Cass and Tanner at his house and watch In the Land of Women.
Yay, Adam Brody I fall in love with you so easily more and more every day, haha.

Ugfjghdsi. Everything was good good.
And then I woke up today and watched Jerry Mcguire on Tv. And my dad came to hang something up in my room because apparently my mom told him my walls are bare. So he came to do that and walked into my bathroom and yelled for me to clean my vanity and sink. But he was especially focused on the sink. So I grabbed my bottle of Lysol and began to clear off my vanity. Well he freaked out and told me to spray the lysol in the sink. and I told him "I need to clear off my whole vanity before I start spraying lysol" and that didn't please him. But I wasn't going to spray my belongings (hair dryer, makeup, toothbrush, soap, face soap) in disenfectant spray, so I continued to do what I was.
After I cleared off my vanity I began to spray from one side to the other, and I got one spray in before suddenly he broke a fuse and began to scream "SPRAY IT IN THE SINK NOW SPRAY IT IN THE SINK STOP SPRAYING SPRAY IT IN THE SINK!" and I told him no, I was going to spray the whole vanity to clean that too, not only the sink. And he didn't approve of that response either and then when I proceeded to tell him to chill out for a minute, he decided to be really mature and grab my hair dryer and throw it into a wall in the hallway to my bedroom. So, there goes some more of my money to pay for a new one hahaah.
So I told him to leave.
And the last words we have shared were,
Dad, "you're going to regret disobeying me, I will punish you for it"
Me, "you can't really do that, cause I didn't disobey you, I cleaned my bathroom like you wanted. I mean unless you want to be a hypocrite (which he calls me and says he's not)"
Dad, "whatever Julie, you do what I say when I say it"
Me, "okay, well try and punish me, please do it."
Then he walked off.

C: Love ya dad.

Wrong

I guess people have been getting the wrong idea from my "blogging" if you want to call it that.
When I write stuff down in here, I'm usually going out on a whim ranting or venting strongly about how I feel at that perticular moment.
Usually in about thirty minutes after I write it down, I feel calm and rash, and most of the things I said really aren't meant in context.
So I'm sorry if no one knew that's what my blog was for: my purposes of venting
But that's what it's here for.
So sorry if I offended anyone.

"I'm just now finding out

What it was all about"
Oh, Ben Folds, what you do to meeeee.
I really miss Anna. I feel like lately she's my true friend. She's been my best friend for about four-five years or so? And it's funny because when I moved when I began highschool everyone surely thought I was going to be the one to adjust the easiest. And that my sister would have the hard time.
And honestly I didn't think it would be that hard for me. But it turned out I had the hardest time and Katie had it easier. I remember that first summer, the only reason I used aim was so that I could talk to Anna and Hayley and Becca in the woodlands. I would sit on my computer until they signed on just so I would have someone to talk to and something to do.
Then school began and things shifted, I made friends and made changes in my life, grew up and changed physiclly. And still through it all, Anna was soley there for me. The first year was so horrible for me. I hated every minute, every second of my first year. And Anna was there through all of it for me.
I lost contact with Becca because of dumb reasons. Reasons that were childish and I realize that now, but at the time didn't. And not long after, I was still friends with Hayley, but we just didn't talk as much.
I feel like even though there's been four hours of distance straining and between Anna's and my friendship, that we have only become closer. And everyone always says that when I come home to see them that it's like I was never even gone.
Now three, almost four years have passed and it's hard to believe it's even been somewhat that long.
I will say this always and forever, I will probably never think of Flower Mound as home, merely a place to reside.
I really miss Anna. I can't even put it into words. I have friends here, but as I have noticed lately, it's like they forget about me, and don't care enough about my friendship to them to keep it up. So I just sit on the back burner now, and I'm really okay with going to school and coming home everyday. I know not everyone agrees with the way I feel about things here, and that's okay. I never expected everyone to love me when I moved here, but I've put in three years+ of effort and no one can say I haven't tried.
I talked to Brendan for a whole class period on friday and we talked about how we don't like to be pessimistic but we had to face it, we honestly hate living here. Hate's a strong word, but it's honestly how we, I, feel.
I don't care where and how I end up in life as long as I have the people who I care about most (Anna and Sarge) surounding me and I'm not in North Texas.
I kind of like having no friends. As weird as that is.
I like going to class anonymously.
I mean I have plenty of aquaintince friends. Who I eat lunch with, talk to during class time, walk to classes with, and such. But I like not having to deal with things. The way I see friendship, it should be just two people hanging out, caring about each other, taking responsibility for each other, and taking loyalty to be behind someone. Friendship shouldn't have to be a struggle, and friendship shouldn't be dreaded. I know that there's hardships to go through, but not everyday should be a continuing hardship.
And honestly, that's what My friendship with Anna has been.
I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have her there for me. She's everything I need in my best friend and I wouldn't trade her for anything, how glorious it may be, for anything.
I guess, my point is, I'm sick of wasting years of my life on building friendships that aren't there for the best.
I don't want to invest time into something that's going to stab me in the back, and their intent isn't for the best of the both of us.
I'm not trying to say, I'm not open to more friendships, I just want friendships that are good and solid. That care and are loyal. That honor me another in the same way I honor other people.
I know that no one will ever be as good as Anna, because I hold her so high, I will never find another one of her, but she's a good model. And I'd just like to know people with the same outlook of having and honest true "friendship".

Sometimes I ask too much. Hah

Till death

do us part?

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. oh boy.

I don't really like weddings all that much. its just an excuse to play sappy love songs from the ninties.

It's a bittersweet night at weddings.

Nonetheless, the night was beautiful, it was outside in this gorgeous green backyard. with the prettiest gazebo. it was a candelit marraige. a really small congregation, only immediate family and a few friends. they shared a moonlit kiss before everyone proceeded inside. we all took family pictures then headed across the hall for the reception.

Of course, my father and mother were the first in line for the bar. My dad got everyone drinks and was back in line in a matter of one minute after leaving the first time. He ended up talking to one of Cassie's friends, Matt, a hairdresser, peirced in every body part possible and my dad ended up making friends with him. Then after everyone got drunk, and the cake was cut, everyone was fed, THE RAP MUSIC EXTRAVAGANZA BEGAN. and against my will, i made a complete fool of myself. haha. Ended up dancing to Usher's "Yeah" with the family and dirty dancing with them. Haha, taught Bill Green to bump and grind. and I felt bad for the 20 something year old who got stuck dancing with my family. But everyone was in high spirits so it didn't really matter.

We drove home around midnight and my dad blasted Led Zeppelin. Haha. Weird.

And on the ride home, I felt really lonely.
I realized how special it is to have a significant other in your life.
I forgot how good it feels to be loved.

I tried not to dwell on it for too long and passed out the minute I laid down in my bed.

The next day, went home and attended the after wedding party at my Aunt Sherry's house.

Ended up getting drunk with Will and talking to random people.

I sat down for about an hour or two and talked to the 20 something year old who we danced with last night. Turns out he's just a friend of my cousin's and was invited to come. He's not even that good of friends with her, but the Green family loves him. We talked about our lives, the wedding, and how we didn't like them, how they brought back memories. And we talked about our past relationships. He told me how he dated a girl for a year, and she cheated on him like 10 times, but he loved her so much he just kept on forgiving her and taking her back. I told him all about Justin and our two year "relationship" and how I feel like I just can't get over him. How everything reminds me of him and it just never stops.

And then I realized I just need to get over him.
I should've never dated Kyle when I did. It wasn't fair or right to do that to Kyle. I couldn't be everything he wanted/needed, because all of me wasn't there to give to him. It's not that I still wanted/needed Justin, it's just my "heart was still broken" and not mended enough to begin a new relationship. My whole heart wasn't there to care for Kyle. Believe me, I cared alot about him and I really did want to be with him, but I just couldn't make everything perfect the way he wanted it to be. I wasn't ready for a serious relationship again and fucked it up. I was too cramped, held down. I needed my own time and space. I was held down for two years (not badly) and I needed a breather time. And I didn't take that. I jumped out of one relationship and into a new one. I thought that dating Kyle would help me move on and I would learn to love someone else, but it only made it harder. I was so confused and I wanted so badly to take Kyle into part of my life but I didn't know how because my heart just wouldn't let me. It's not that I wanted Justin's realtionship and partnership back, it's that I truly hadn't gotten over it. I had left things in my mind undone. I left things unexplained. And hanging. It wasn't right to do that to anyone, and before I knew it I got in too deep.
I really liked kyle, and I really wanted our relationship to work, but I was always somewhere else trying to work things out.
I was mostly afraid, worried, and scared, to let me inhibitions go and letting someone care for me, for fear it would perish again.
I don't like that feeling, of trusting someone and letting them into my life, to only have them ripped away from me. I don't like feeling let down and torn apart. So I held back, and ended up making someone else feel that way.

And I'm truly sorry for that.
I wish I could do or say something to make it all better and to make hard feelings go away. I know that all of this happened like two months ago, but I've just been so upset at myself. For doing the one thing I tried not to let happen happen.

I apologize a million more times.
From the bottom of my heart.

I honestly don't think I will ever get over my two year relationship. Not when I'm still best friends with him, not when I see him so often and not when we are so apart of each other's lives. I can honestly say I loved him more than anyone, (except anna hehe) and probably will for a while. Until someone changes that.

I want to be able to move on, and I'm working on that alot right now.
I want to know someone who will actually be okay with letting me take things slow and take my time and who understands this.

Blah! If you're that person, somewhere out there, introduce yourself haha.

Hurray Hurray

"I'm your silver lining, hurray hurray, but now I'm gold"

I lived for the good in your life, to make you look good, to make you happy.
Now I'm living for myself and making myself happy.

"i never felt so wicked, as when i willed our love to die."

2250, I made a 2250! It's the only thing to make me smile for the week.
Maybe now more grants so I can go to the university. I pray and I hope.

xy

Sometimes I wonder if I would've been a better child had I stayed in Houston.
I really think so.
Honest to god, I think I would've been less fucked up, done less shady things and I would've been a better daughter/person.

The only reason I get "fucked up" is because it leads me not to think about Anna and the Woodlands and all that I'm missing and how lonely I am.

Don't get me wrong, I have tonsssss of friends here. But I still feel extremely empty inside and a million friends can never compare to one anna, to one best friend, with me through thick and thin.

I wouldn't be breathing today had it been for her, I would be sitting in a grave, maybe watching from the heavens.
And I have that to thank her for. So much more than any gratitude could hold.
<3 A.C.H.

Empty

I'm so scared.

That's it.

No brain

Sleeping in your car sucks. Sucks really bad. 'Specially when it's freezing outside.

I remember sitting on the floor with the lights off, sprawled out in my third grade class. My teacher, Mrs. Bosley, read us books every week. They were never books I had heard of though and little did I know being only 8, that each book she picked out was to affect us later on in life.
I remember around the beginning of autumn and october, she read to us a book about a little boy who was living a terrible life.
How people had enslaved him, taken him from his home, killed his family, took his house, took him from his country, and so on and so forth.
Turns out the man who did it to him was Christopher Columbus.

con·tro·ver·sy /ˈkɒntrəˌvɜrsi; Brit. also kənˈtrɒvərsi/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kon-truh-vur-see; Brit. also kuhn-trov-er-see] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun, plural -sies.
1. a prolonged public dispute, debate, or contention; disputation concerning a matter of opinion.
2. contention, strife, or argument

She challenged what every other 3rd grade curriculum page said about Christopher Columbus and tried to show us how everyone's opinion isn't necessarily correct.

I applaud her for that now.

It seems that's what our generation is really about; Controversy.
Unfortunately, I do not know what is right and wrong.
It seems to be what we think is right is wrong, and what we think is wrong is right.
And sometimes I think people just see it like that, because they want to be different, not because they truly believe in their cause.

My head is searching for something reliable to grasp onto.
SOCIETY DO YOUR MAGIC AND LET THAT HAPPEN.
I'm not trying to say that I can't think for myself. But it's almost like whenever I voice my opinion, it has to automaticly be challenged, and for once I would like someone to just talk to me about my opinion and understand why I think the way I do, and share with me theirs.

I just want knowledge.
Too much to ask?

Perspectives

Right now, I am just trying to put my life into perspectives, or perhaps a new perspective.
Things this week have gotten so messed up and it shook me up really badly.
I think what I needed, or need right now, are some really good solid people and good friends to keep by me for the next couple of months or year.
I'm really glad that even though everyone, not necessarily ditched me, but put me off last night, I still had something to do to take my mind of everything.
I went to denton and hung out with Taylor again and the night was really eventful. Ha, stealing his roomate's stuff, squating, the pep rally, and screaming on the elevator. Haha, it was quite entertaining.
Except for when he got in trouble and written up, ha, and then the assholes come to the room to ask if we smoked in there. What bitches. His neighbors told on him, because his asthma was acting up. Little girl! It was two puffs. Jesus.
But the whole scenario was really funny when we thought about it. They even said they were going to call the cops just because Taylor went on every floor screaming "go unt go eagles" and ringing the bell. School spirit is such a crime.

This morning I woke up at 1. And I honestly think that even though I hate sleeping in, it put me in the best mood. I really needed time to escape from my life, and I think that sleeping lately has been the only way to do that. I think sleeping and the weather has kept me intact. It seems like, dare I say God, is looking out for me. Despite my horrible mood and thoughts, he made this fucking beautiful week and has made me cheer up. I cleaned out my room today and even packed all my shit up. Good feeling actually.
Now I plan to just go take a shower in my new bathroom with the little window in the tub that lets the sunlight shine it. It's so relaxing. I'm really proud of it.
I still haven't spoken to my parents except to tell them that I was leaving last night to go out, not that they really cared, because I received no response, but oh well.
I can't help someone's childness.
But I did notice that someone switched money over to my account today.
And judging by the amount and the account number from the transfer, it was my own mother.
Put a little bit of hope in me.
Maybe she's scared too, but maybe what they're doing to me is for the best. And I will learn something.

Who knows anymore?

Invisible

Don't worry I won't have to be apart of anything anymore, because I can't be.
Due to the lack of common curteousy, all my personal information has been looked through by my parents.

So of course they disaprove.

So I really don't know what to do.

According to my dad, he doesn't even want me to go to college anymore, because of the finiancial burden I am to him. And as soon as I become a legal adult he just assumes I drop out by myself because it would save so much trouble and he thinks I'm already headed that way.

Since I have no means of communication anymore besides this computer, I guess the only time I can see anyone, is from 8-5 my school hours.

Sorry if you don't understand, because I don't either and I just know I'm punished.
And I'm happy for you that it's your lucky day if you dislike me and don't have to deal with me anymore.

Glad You're Vindicated

I'm so sick of someone constantly bitching and moaning and complaining about me to me.
Why don't they just seperate already, all I ever hear when I get home is yelling about the pettinest business. Does anyone ever think that no one ever really wants to hear it? Especially someone who lives there twenty-four-seven?

Today just wasn't the best. I was called downstairs from studying only to be blamed for everything that's out of place and has gone wrong in the past week. Oh for heaven's sake, please take responsibility for your own actions. They want me to protray in my actions the role of a muture adult, but obviously it's inimatetive when they themselves cannot protray one.
I really like how I was scolded for thirty minutes about how I am such a slob and leave a huge mess in the morning for someone to come home to and clean up. Well I'm glad as this whole "argument", that lacked the other side, was taking place, the real person to blame sat there in silence. Glad you're vindicated you sorbid bitch. Glad that I took the blame for something that I'm never convicted of. Thanks a whole lot for sticking up for me when you know that if you so much as uttered one word, every line of disgust that was shown toward me would've been taken away.
So as I sat there at the table during our dinner with a little bit of hostility towards you, I don't think you had one right to be altered by it.
I also love the fact, that somehow my grade point average of a 3.8 doesn't mean anything, but the fact that I have a current average of a 71 means that I am some sort of devilish creature. Sorry that I can't understand something and that I am so preoccupied with all sorts of things you make me collaborate with that I don't have time to perfect an art. I apologize that I am so sleep deprived and that when I walk in and sit through an hour and half long class that is so soporific I don't exactly catch on because I drift off. I really do apologize for my lack of motivation, because as you know, "I don't give a rats ass" and a "Filled future doesn't mean a thing" to me. Oops, you got me.

And please don't even begin to flatter yourself and say that I make all decisions only on the basis of spite towards you! I would never act out of spit, nor ever make a decision that revolved anywhere around you and your thoughts. Ha! I laugh at your complete ignorance. I make decisions based on my likes/dislikes/outlooks/perspectives ect.

And I just want to know, why you're not even slighted by the notion that your son is on scholastic probation, but a mere 71, which happens to be an advanced class counting as an 81, makes you build up enough steam to run for eight miles.

So after I cleaned up your filthy pigsty of a kitchen, made your dinner, and the once again cleaned up after you, and proceeded to the stairs to finish my studies and my duties as a student I gladly said my de rien's with as much spite in my heart.
Because that's just how I work you know.

Grey Skies

Ahhhh, So good to be home. It's strange how much things change yet stay the same. Just got done with a badly needed three day weekend and I couldn't have spent it much better or with better people.
On Friday night Tanner and I waited to see Majid come home from Las Vegas. Then we traveled up to The Mills to see Cass at work, where finally she has put in her two weeks notice! No more bitch work! Now it makes me realize how much I need a job, considering I have depleted my bank account to a whole savings of 13$, go me.
I came home pretty early because I decided sleep was much needed to be able to wake up at 6 a.m. the next morning to start my trip to see good old friends.
On saturday woke up, took a really hot shower, which made my throat feel better, and then packed everything I thought I would need for my trip. As usual, procrastinating to the very last second! Who would've thought? Then put everything in the car, and set off. Got into houston around 12 and went to go stop to see my bro Will for lunch. Which was eeeehh. I met the town drunk while we went to go get some gas,which was as ever entertaining. hahaha. He told me he would make me a tee-shirt with a cupcake on it. Since he works for a "cooommpaanniiiieeeeee" now. Ahhahaha, man Regie was his name. Hahah. Then I went on down to the Woodlands and started my weekend offf the right way! Anna and Hayley greeted me at the door and in the first five seconds we all agreed I should move back ahah. As usual. We sat around and watched tv and decided what we should do that night. And we decided a much needed movie trip to see "Across the Universe".
Then we all piled into Taylor's truck that Anna has taken over and went over to Eric's house to watch him play Halo 3. Seems like I do that alot lately. Haha.
Then Anna and I dropped Hayley off at her house so she could get ready for her dinner with the family and headed over to Walgreen's to pick up a 3 pound bag of twizzlers,ha, which I might add is the neatest thing. They're so long!
We went over to the park next to see Christian and hang out with him. We realized how stupid rich kids are when he could make some deal for 30 dollars more than he needed too. Ha, oh well, it was the kid's parent's money anyways. and the woodlands parents deffinitely aren't lacking in that aspect.
Then Justin picked me up and we headed over to Best Buy to pick out a movie, Knocked Up, and then drove over to Market Street to meet up with the whole crew and see the movie.
Ha, I met James, Hayley's Boyfrannn. And we all watched the movie together. I forgot to tell Justin that the movie was a musical, which he didn't find very pleasing, and told me if he had known he would'nt have even agreed to coming. Thanks doll.
We went to go eat at Whataburger afterwards, mm, and tried to get everyone together for a much needed smoking of the hooka, but no one was doing anything so Anna and I ended up going home, where I passed out too easily on the new couch!
The next day we woke up to go get doughnuts and decided to be cool and drive all the way to Old Town Spring, where we spent a whole twenty minutes and got one snow cone! We ended up driving back and residing at Andrew's to watch some more Halo 3 with Eric, Christian, Andrew, Craig and Taylor. Where as no surprise, I fell asleep in Andrew's bed in less than 20 minutes. It was so neat, one of those commercial beds where you can raise it to your comfort! Loved it.

We wanted to go to Mel's for dinner since Anna and I were dying from starvation so we drove out to tomball only to find that they close early on Sundays!!! Nooo. So we ended up at Chili's haha. Yum.
Afterwards Anna and I met up with Leo, Diego, Andy, Brennon and his girlfriend and headed off into houston for a haunted evening! So fun, minus the getting lost on the way there. Rude people we followed.
Once we got there Anna and I pretty much humped Diego because we clinged so tightly to him from behind. We then decided a Hooka bar was much needed so we drove to 1960 and ended up at the Po Boy's Deli. Oh no, what an adventure. We made Diego go to the window to see if it was open and he got inside, where he stood and casually walked around and saw no one. Then he came out got inside the car and told us to haul ass because he set off the alarm. We wondered why he sat inside so long and he explained since he's mexican he's already known for robbing things so he had to play it off cool. Hahah.
Diego ended up making me sit in the back with him where he proceeded in licking my face numerous times and telling me the stupidest pick up lines. So sad, he hasn't changed a bit from 8th grade communications.
We headed back to the woodlands where we dropped Diego and Leo off and headed to finally, GET SOME HOOKA. This time we really did. Third time's the charm baby.
We hookaed at Ty's house with all the kids there for about an hour and half then headed home.
The next morning Anna had to go to work and we said our goodbyes.
I was left in the house by myself and yes, I ended up crying because I miss her so much. Ugh, four hours away and still best friends, distance has done nothing to us, but bring us closer. Fuck you time lapse.
I do hate the distance though.
Then I had a much needed rendevous with a good old buddy of mine hehe. We fooled around and it felt good to be in someone's arms again. Although as usual I ruined it with my thinking. Ugh I wish my mind didn't get in the way of things, I wish I could forget the past and just move on, I wish I could start new. And not have anything stop me from doing what my body, and I want to! I felt so horrible yet so good at the end of our time.
Then I started my trip back to dallas.

Monday night I had a hangout time with Taylor, who I haven't seen in so long! Good stuff, went to subway and headed back to steal his dormmate's booze and have a "taste test".
Haha, which only to be ruined by remembering that Online homework was due at ten and it was 9. Haha, so extremely buzzed (damn you lightweight) I tried to drive home where I got so confused and upset and ended up hitting the side of a bridge ( no dammage to car somehow?!). I finally called Adam and he helped me concentrate and get home where Mom was waiting for me with dinner and such. Always can count on her, I love her so dearly.

The wandered upstairs only to find I lost the paper with my sign in name from Online Assignments so I just stopped trying. Then Talked to Adam about things on the phone, glad I did. Became more obliterated as the night moved on and finally passed out at 10:30. So early!

Now here I am, putting off science assignments where I expect to fail the test tomorrow.
Joy.
Love the life I live.

Traffic Spike

So as I rode with Cassi and our good coffee to Highland Village to turn in applications, we conversed about how much I get walked all over by every single one of our friends and how they do that because they know I'm not going to pick a fight about every single thing. But now it has suddenly reached a point of where I am taken advantage of every single day.
Don't get me wrong, I am no selfish bitch, I do things for people all the time, give them money regardless of the fact that currently I have no employment so my bank account is depreciating, give people rides, give people rides to pick up illegal things, risk my ass to get arrested for people, constantly take the blame for others. And I'm okay with that, because I love to make someone else happy and know that I did something to make their day easier. But there comes a point where it's all take take take and consistently no give.
That's where I draw the line.
This week, I have been pushed wayyyy to far. Two incidents have really pushed me over the edge. Im not a hog in any way, and I always always share regardless of how much I have left or how much I need, I make due with circumstances, and I ALWAYS share. Never greedy about food, drinks, smokes, clothes, shoes, cd's, supplies, anything. But there comes a point where you just cant keep taking from me just because you know I will never say no.
And there's also just something called common courtesy. The common sense rule of leaving other people's things alone. Don't touch something that isn't yours, don't take without asking, and deffinitely do not rummage through other people's belongings. And that's just manners.

So when I come to find out that:
A. I have been taken advantage of
B. My personal belongings have been messed and looked through
C. Personal things, spent with my personal money (not that my parents give to me) have been taken.

I think I have a little bit of a right to be pissed off.
PARTY FOWL.
You know I've lent one single person over 45$ and yet they have never repaid me? Hm, that seems a little sketchy. And do you know the majority of that money has gone to drugs? Hm, little bit irritating. And when I gave them 15 to buy me something, and they didn't they kept it. And at first I said, "okay keep it because if you're able to buy it for me again, you will have money" but they never had that chance again. And today I really needed that money, because I was broke and I needed to buy something. So I asked for it back.
And the fucking rudest response was given to me. Telling me I was lying that I gave them 15$. Are you a fucking joke? Wow, the nerve someone must have to say that to me. And then the fact that they actually got angry with me and tried to show me up and make me look dumb and got irritated with me. Oh sorry, for taking your money (actually mine) that you use to do something illegal? Oh excuse me, I didn't mean to jepordize that. Re-Dic-U-Lous.
And yeah, I did get my fifteen dollars from them, like hell I would take no for an answer.
And I really didn't appreciate the text messages that I recieved asking if I really lended them fifteen dollars. Wow, has the pot gone to your brain?

Haha, and then I really loved how on saturday, I bought a completely new pack. With my money. And smoked 1 cigarette. One, just one, uno, un, one. And I left my bag in Preston's car because I didn't want to take it into the dance. And I left it in the confidently that it my belongings would be safe and no harm would be done, so that I could have my stuff back the way it was. Well, when I got my stuff back on tuesday morning, I noticed as I went through my bag, that coincidently, my pack was gone. Hmmm. Somehow that leaves me to believe that one of the three people who also rode in that car must be in possession of it. So I asked around and found out that yes, the same person who I lend all my money too has my pack! Ha, and not only that but smoked them! When they were high! All of them! Except two! of my pack, purchased with my money!

What a good joke right!? Yesss.

Well here's a big fuck you.
Cause I'm no fucking ground to just be walked all over anymore.
Go ahead and ask me for anything. Sorry the answer is no, someone just ruined it for the rest of you. No more gratitude for anyone.

I'm a fucking traffic spike from now on.
You can do the right thing for me and I will lead you no harm, or you can try to walk over me back and forth and be ripped to shreds.

Your choice homeslice.

One Mark Off

Unfortunately today was no wear near exciting. But I did manage to stay awake for the majority of my classes. In the beginning of her horrible lectures about nothing in algebra class, I did begin to slip off away from reality. Since I sit on the floor in that class, it's not hard to. Colton made some girl in our class cry. It was actually kind of amusing just because it's sad how easily people break.
He constantly makes fun of me in that class and gives me a hard time, but I just tell him to shutup and we respect each other because of it. Actually haven't beat each other in that class yet, which I'm surprised, and he hasn't yet gotten on my nerves. In fact we actually work together on homework and talk and such. Which is odd. But, on the other note, the girl didn't understand anything we were going over about the quadratic functions and so our unqualified of a teacher asked her what she didn't comprehend and she shot back "WELL I DON'T WANT TO ASK BECAUSE WHEN I DO COLTON WILL JUST MAKE FUN OF ME". Sadly I laughed when she said this because it really was funny. Colton looked at me and he laughed along too. And about twenty minutes later we were copying down things off the board and I told Colton he should ask for an apology because that hurt his feelings. So he proceeded to get his apology and when he asked for it, she began to bawl. Haha, it was quite sad. And I felt rude because I was partially an acomplice in that. But on the other hand, it was a joke, and people should lighten up.

Once again I slacked off in my test taking skills class. Hahaha and once again my score went down like 300 points to a 1760. Awesome, oh well it's not even worth my GPA so why do I care right? But it still in discouraging to see how much I don't care when the first week, when I knew nothing I made the highest score I've ever been capable of.

The best part of the day had to have been after Cassi came out to her car where I was waiting and we decided to go be slobs and pig out on disgusting fast food. Mmmm, sonic. Where I managed to get all of my food completely on me and I dumped my chicken poppers all over her seat, aha which was amusing to the whole parking lot of sonic when we tried to clean it up. "Julie, what the fuck my mom's going to flip a dick when she see's this" I start laughing, "Julie why are you laughing it's not funny, i'm going to get in trouble because of you" me, "you said flip a dick" Ha, yes I'm mature I know.

Once again Dad's at another "golf tournament" so Mom and I are having dinner by ourselves yet again. But afterwards we plan to go to Highland Village and shop around.

I left my pack of cigarettes in Preston's car :( No pack for a week, not to mention my money, and new makeup. What a let down.

Self Sufficient Failure

Well, where to begin? Let's see...
I've decided after a long thought process that I should create a blog of my own. I am constantly writing everything down, so why not have it all in one place? Not to mention I'm sure ten years from now, when I look back on this one day, I will laugh at myself. So it will surly be a good laugh.
Ugggghh, this whole week has been a complete and utter whirlwind. After all the "pre homecoming drama" haha, (I cant help but to laugh) I am truly worn out. And it seemed like when Homecoming was finally here, it wasn't even worth all the hype that everyone had made it out to be. Once again, we were all looking forward to a half assed school function. Oh well, you do what you can do right? Fortunately Dinner was good, although my pasta tasted like Maccaroni and Cheese, odd, but otherwise was thoroughly entertaining. The constant drawing and quotes written on our table pad were amusing and kept me entertained. I don't think our server so much liked it though. Probably thought we were immature, well what can we say?
The dance was how every dance is, awkward at first, and then it lightened up. Sadly this year, was not anywhere as hyped and memorable as the ones past. Once Cassi and Courtney showed up I was able to get out some much needed dancing. hahahah. Like a hoe I might add.
If you're going to do it, do it right.
That lasted about ten minutes and the off we went to our adventure.
But Hey, I did talk to my future husband! haha, what a catch.
We decided to go off to a haunted house and to "spend the night" at Cassi's.
The Haunted house idea didn't last long unfortunately and we sat in a gas station parkinglot for about two hours. Hmmm, I was so tired and not feeling so awesome that I sat in the car for the majority of the time. Cassi and I had plans to go over to Chase's house to spend the night and have a good time, but once again, plans were ruined. It's a real downer when the only reason people cancel your plans is because they're too obliterated to give you direction. Ha, oh well, we quickly picked up other plans to go to Azle and spend the rest of our night with the lovely Bobby.
After stopping at his friend's house for a quick smoke break, we headed on back to his place, where without a doubt I passed out in less than 30 minutes. And let me add he is the owner of the most comfortable couch there is possible in the world. Life seems to be catching up with me oh too quickly and it seems like I can never have enough slumber time. I was awakened at 7:30 A.M. to Bobby tapping my head. The Car ride back was really enjoyable. Listened to the Sufjans Stevens mix, which went perfectly for the wind blowing in through the windows.
Perfect.
Then Cassi, Courtney and I headed to I-Hop for a much needed rendevoussssss. And breakfast! Where we talked about our "adventures" last night and had bathroom talk. Cassi made fun of me for "talking dirty" on my phone. When I wasn't. I'm sure the family of four behind us in their booth was scared shitless of how their kids might grow up to be in the future. Well, we're just horrible children, so I'm sure they can somehow turn out to be better than Me.
Around 9:30 I finally came home. And I was met at the door with the frenzied father. Of course all he said to me was to clean up everything because I alone ruin the household. Mhm sure. So I cleaned really well, organized my closet. And Somehow I did this without passing out, even though the bed looked so tempting as I changed the sheets. I re-organized my 258 pounds of a backpack. And did partial subjects of my homework. I then gave into my sleep deprivation and climbed in my sheets and texted an interesting character and quickly passed out.
Felt soooo gooddddddd.
Then I woke up and fell in and out of sleep for the rest of the day.

I just finished some home-made potatoe soup. mmmmmmmm. Heavenly. And in ten minutes I am giving into Prime Time Television and sitting myself down with a blanket and a bowl of sherbert with my mother and watching "Brothers and Sisters". Something I got her hooked onto.
On the lesser note, I have yet to complete any schoolwork whatsoever. What else is new though, and who am I kidding to think that I would be capable of that.
I am failing most of my courses and this is all done self sufficiently. Oh joy, no one to blame but myself for my lack of motivation.
Ugh, what is wrong with me, I don't even slightly care that I am sinking myself into a whole?!
Tomorrow is monday, gag-me. And I'm sure I will sleep through 3/4's of my classes! I am just the role model student!