I'm in the early uprising sense of a change in myself. I can just tell.

I've always been a girl who has never followed the beaten path. At first, this was hard for my family and friends to really understand. And for the longest time I fought to make them understand and to support me and continue to love me although I might be out of the ordinary.

But now it seems like I want the stability of pre-determined destiny. Ugh what is that even?!

Sometimes the fact that I have the ability to leave home and do what I want, and to have the real world at my fingertips scares me. Scares me so much I feel like crying or breaking down.

I know myself, and I make a mess of things I don't know how to deal with correctly. And life, I deffinitely don't know how to deal with. So being by myself out there, oh god, I am my own worst enemy.

I really really really, dreamed, hoped, begged, prayed, for University of Texas to be right for me and to be what I want. And as the day grows closer to my personal visit and everytime I continue to look at their website, catalogue, I feel that it is what I want and where I want to be. One of the best Film Departments here! What more could I honestly want: a great school, a great city, a great life, a great oppertunity?

But right now I feel like I need to put that aside and stay put. I guess I will either stay at a community college (despite how people say it's like highschool and not real school) or maybe go to UNT for a semester or year.

I guess the reason behind my logic is, that UT and all the enviornment offers me is too good for me. I don't want to go into that life not fully prepared and fuck it all up and screw myself. But maybe if I spend more time actually growing up and finding out who I am (I still have no clue) I can have more of a chance to "make it".

I wish someone would just tell me what to do for my life.
And I would do it instantly. Pre-determinded, going down that beaten path, no more obscurities. I kinda fought all those years for nothing. How sad that is haha.

Another birthday is arising.
Ohhhhhhhh lorddddyyyyy.