I can't help thinking about what I told Cassi last night in the car on the way to my house to drink.
I must have sounded like a honest crazy person. Someone who needs to be put away ahah. Telling her about the thoughts I have, and how I can't think logicly anymore. And how afraid I am I won't be able to love anyone again, and I will end up by myself. And how sometimes I fall asleep so much just so I can dream. Why do I want to live so badly through them?
She said she wakes up in the morning and thinks about how I am.
That's sad when someone worries about you the moment they awaken.
Don't get me wrong, I am a really happy person and I love who I am. I just don't understand who I am though.
And I really think I need help, even if it's someone just to sit and listen to me ramble. They really don't even have to talk to me, just listen.

I don't understand how to function sometimes anymore.
I have become somewhat a monster to my own mind, and I need to be stopped. My head has some scary way of not letting things go no matter how much I try. And having a blogger and a journal is good for me, because what I cannot put into physical words, I can write down and say and let them out of my brain. It was an outlet. and that really helped for the longest time, but now I need something else. Writing, painting, drawing doesn't help anymore.

I know I am young and that I shouldn't have to worry if I will end up alone, but I can't help it. I have had so many chances with people. and I never can feel anything more that a crush on them. I won't allow myself. After falling deeply into love once, I just can't do it again. I can't feel that way. And I don't want that, I want to feel that way. I want someone to take me away from my life in every aspect.

But I'm afraid that will never happen again.
And that really scares me. That's why I sleep alot. to dream. When I dream, I dream of when I was alive. and feeling lost in love.

You know, and I'm not depressed or anything, and like I said I really truly am happy. Everyone knows that too. I always have a smile, a real smile, on my face. I have a great sense of humor(im not conceited im just saying lately) and I'm growing into a nice young lady.

But I just need to sort out things in my life.
I've been saying that for a long time.

But now I actually will do it.

So I this will be my last post.
I will stay away untill let's say January 31 at least. Maybe I'll post then.
Good bye. Wish me luck!