Till death

do us part?

I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend. oh boy.

I don't really like weddings all that much. its just an excuse to play sappy love songs from the ninties.

It's a bittersweet night at weddings.

Nonetheless, the night was beautiful, it was outside in this gorgeous green backyard. with the prettiest gazebo. it was a candelit marraige. a really small congregation, only immediate family and a few friends. they shared a moonlit kiss before everyone proceeded inside. we all took family pictures then headed across the hall for the reception.

Of course, my father and mother were the first in line for the bar. My dad got everyone drinks and was back in line in a matter of one minute after leaving the first time. He ended up talking to one of Cassie's friends, Matt, a hairdresser, peirced in every body part possible and my dad ended up making friends with him. Then after everyone got drunk, and the cake was cut, everyone was fed, THE RAP MUSIC EXTRAVAGANZA BEGAN. and against my will, i made a complete fool of myself. haha. Ended up dancing to Usher's "Yeah" with the family and dirty dancing with them. Haha, taught Bill Green to bump and grind. and I felt bad for the 20 something year old who got stuck dancing with my family. But everyone was in high spirits so it didn't really matter.

We drove home around midnight and my dad blasted Led Zeppelin. Haha. Weird.

And on the ride home, I felt really lonely.
I realized how special it is to have a significant other in your life.
I forgot how good it feels to be loved.

I tried not to dwell on it for too long and passed out the minute I laid down in my bed.

The next day, went home and attended the after wedding party at my Aunt Sherry's house.

Ended up getting drunk with Will and talking to random people.

I sat down for about an hour or two and talked to the 20 something year old who we danced with last night. Turns out he's just a friend of my cousin's and was invited to come. He's not even that good of friends with her, but the Green family loves him. We talked about our lives, the wedding, and how we didn't like them, how they brought back memories. And we talked about our past relationships. He told me how he dated a girl for a year, and she cheated on him like 10 times, but he loved her so much he just kept on forgiving her and taking her back. I told him all about Justin and our two year "relationship" and how I feel like I just can't get over him. How everything reminds me of him and it just never stops.

And then I realized I just need to get over him.
I should've never dated Kyle when I did. It wasn't fair or right to do that to Kyle. I couldn't be everything he wanted/needed, because all of me wasn't there to give to him. It's not that I still wanted/needed Justin, it's just my "heart was still broken" and not mended enough to begin a new relationship. My whole heart wasn't there to care for Kyle. Believe me, I cared alot about him and I really did want to be with him, but I just couldn't make everything perfect the way he wanted it to be. I wasn't ready for a serious relationship again and fucked it up. I was too cramped, held down. I needed my own time and space. I was held down for two years (not badly) and I needed a breather time. And I didn't take that. I jumped out of one relationship and into a new one. I thought that dating Kyle would help me move on and I would learn to love someone else, but it only made it harder. I was so confused and I wanted so badly to take Kyle into part of my life but I didn't know how because my heart just wouldn't let me. It's not that I wanted Justin's realtionship and partnership back, it's that I truly hadn't gotten over it. I had left things in my mind undone. I left things unexplained. And hanging. It wasn't right to do that to anyone, and before I knew it I got in too deep.
I really liked kyle, and I really wanted our relationship to work, but I was always somewhere else trying to work things out.
I was mostly afraid, worried, and scared, to let me inhibitions go and letting someone care for me, for fear it would perish again.
I don't like that feeling, of trusting someone and letting them into my life, to only have them ripped away from me. I don't like feeling let down and torn apart. So I held back, and ended up making someone else feel that way.

And I'm truly sorry for that.
I wish I could do or say something to make it all better and to make hard feelings go away. I know that all of this happened like two months ago, but I've just been so upset at myself. For doing the one thing I tried not to let happen happen.

I apologize a million more times.
From the bottom of my heart.

I honestly don't think I will ever get over my two year relationship. Not when I'm still best friends with him, not when I see him so often and not when we are so apart of each other's lives. I can honestly say I loved him more than anyone, (except anna hehe) and probably will for a while. Until someone changes that.

I want to be able to move on, and I'm working on that alot right now.
I want to know someone who will actually be okay with letting me take things slow and take my time and who understands this.

Blah! If you're that person, somewhere out there, introduce yourself haha.