Constant reminders of why I miss houston
And mom is really late.
we have to be ready at 11
i have yet to shower eat or get ready
i have 15 minutes
thanks for being so social.
my nose is stuffy for sleeping in the bed that trixie is always on, allergic to kitties.
headache from being drunk, no more everclear.
no wanting a certain few in my life, but they are more than ever pushing themselves into it.
wont let it happen
i wont let them ruin my state of mind that has finally found somewhat of something called clarity.
they wont confuse me.
and there's melted chocolate all over my new peacoat.
thanks eric for throwing raisinettes at me and letting them melt.
love it.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
She began to tell him everything that she knew about, of which everyone thought she was clueless. He didn't understand her the majority of of the time they conversed, of which she also knew. But she didn't care, she knew he was there for her to listen despite his mind capacity(or lack thereof).
"I think you are my best friend", He told her one afternoon on their daily Tuesday walk.
She knew that meant a lot considering he never let another woman into his life except his dear Lucy. Lucy Diamond. She smiled gently, grabbed his hand, and proceeded to take him to the park's lake.
"Look at yourself", she sighed deeply, "what do you see?"
"Sam, I see Sam! Your turn!", he shrieked as he giggled at the thought of his own reflection.
"Oh, well, I see a father, a hardworking man, a sweet face, and a big heart" she replied.
"You see all of that?" He questioned, not comprehending how she saw his heart, or his job in the water.
"Sure", she said, "It's simple you see, you look what the person is made up of, instead of what the person's looks are made up of. It's like finding a hidden meaning, like a game Sam, like a game you play"
"Like a word find for the International House of Pancakes?" he questioned, seeing if this type of game was one he would really like to play or not.
"Just like that, your favorite!"
"Just like John was born on the 9th, like his son was born on the 9th and his mother lived on number 9 NewCastle Liverpool. NewCastle-Liverpool, nine letters!! Just like Lucy says!, Just like Lucy's game!"
And at the moment, not only did was she reminded of their unconditionel love for music, but the fact of what she was searching for: undying love from a friend, a man, would never be found in Sam. for his love, and all love was in Lucy's heart.
"I think you are my best friend", He told her one afternoon on their daily Tuesday walk.
She knew that meant a lot considering he never let another woman into his life except his dear Lucy. Lucy Diamond. She smiled gently, grabbed his hand, and proceeded to take him to the park's lake.
"Look at yourself", she sighed deeply, "what do you see?"
"Sam, I see Sam! Your turn!", he shrieked as he giggled at the thought of his own reflection.
"Oh, well, I see a father, a hardworking man, a sweet face, and a big heart" she replied.
"You see all of that?" He questioned, not comprehending how she saw his heart, or his job in the water.
"Sure", she said, "It's simple you see, you look what the person is made up of, instead of what the person's looks are made up of. It's like finding a hidden meaning, like a game Sam, like a game you play"
"Like a word find for the International House of Pancakes?" he questioned, seeing if this type of game was one he would really like to play or not.
"Just like that, your favorite!"
"Just like John was born on the 9th, like his son was born on the 9th and his mother lived on number 9 NewCastle Liverpool. NewCastle-Liverpool, nine letters!! Just like Lucy says!, Just like Lucy's game!"
And at the moment, not only did was she reminded of their unconditionel love for music, but the fact of what she was searching for: undying love from a friend, a man, would never be found in Sam. for his love, and all love was in Lucy's heart.
Monday, December 24, 2007
there you are, no I can see those kind eyes.
She walked into the room, and double took around the room. Taken aback by the wall of hanging paper cranes made from newspaper, flyers, bills, notices, she tried to find his gentel features flowing through; carried by sunrays.
"I tried, I tried hard" He looked at her with his deep blue eyes.
Growing frusterated, she felt to scream, "try harder!"
"Yeah, but you don't know, you don't know!"
"I dont know what?"
"You don't know what is'ts like when you try you try you try you try you try and you dont eve get there, Because you were born perfect. And I was born like this. YOU'RE PERFECT!... People lie you don't know, people like you don't know what it's like to get hurted because you don't have feelings! People like you don't feel anything"
She started to wimper and caught herself, thinking she would prove him wrong, "Let me tell you something about people like me. People like me feel loost and ugly and dispensible." She squeezed her eyes to hold back, "People like me have husbands screwing other women more perfect that me." She didn't care, she let go. "Its like every morning I wake up and I fail, I look around everyone is pulling up but some how I can't... I try hard."
As he took her into his arms, and began to kiss her shoulder, she let her ihibitions go. She embraced him back and began to cry, letting all the bottled up thoughts of the past seven years ramble out. All he could see was Lucy reading the book, reading the line, reading the words, "We're so different, but how come I feel so the same"
He was always seen as the "retard", "disabled", "handicapped", "stupid", but at that moment as their bodies shifted perfectly to fit, she felt as if they were one in the same: Graduates of Law school, Beatles Fans, Parents, lovers. He completed her missing puzzle piece.
She walked into the room, and double took around the room. Taken aback by the wall of hanging paper cranes made from newspaper, flyers, bills, notices, she tried to find his gentel features flowing through; carried by sunrays.
"I tried, I tried hard" He looked at her with his deep blue eyes.
Growing frusterated, she felt to scream, "try harder!"
"Yeah, but you don't know, you don't know!"
"I dont know what?"
"You don't know what is'ts like when you try you try you try you try you try and you dont eve get there, Because you were born perfect. And I was born like this. YOU'RE PERFECT!... People lie you don't know, people like you don't know what it's like to get hurted because you don't have feelings! People like you don't feel anything"
She started to wimper and caught herself, thinking she would prove him wrong, "Let me tell you something about people like me. People like me feel loost and ugly and dispensible." She squeezed her eyes to hold back, "People like me have husbands screwing other women more perfect that me." She didn't care, she let go. "Its like every morning I wake up and I fail, I look around everyone is pulling up but some how I can't... I try hard."
As he took her into his arms, and began to kiss her shoulder, she let her ihibitions go. She embraced him back and began to cry, letting all the bottled up thoughts of the past seven years ramble out. All he could see was Lucy reading the book, reading the line, reading the words, "We're so different, but how come I feel so the same"
He was always seen as the "retard", "disabled", "handicapped", "stupid", but at that moment as their bodies shifted perfectly to fit, she felt as if they were one in the same: Graduates of Law school, Beatles Fans, Parents, lovers. He completed her missing puzzle piece.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I can't help thinking about what I told Cassi last night in the car on the way to my house to drink.
I must have sounded like a honest crazy person. Someone who needs to be put away ahah. Telling her about the thoughts I have, and how I can't think logicly anymore. And how afraid I am I won't be able to love anyone again, and I will end up by myself. And how sometimes I fall asleep so much just so I can dream. Why do I want to live so badly through them?
She said she wakes up in the morning and thinks about how I am.
That's sad when someone worries about you the moment they awaken.
Don't get me wrong, I am a really happy person and I love who I am. I just don't understand who I am though.
And I really think I need help, even if it's someone just to sit and listen to me ramble. They really don't even have to talk to me, just listen.
I don't understand how to function sometimes anymore.
I have become somewhat a monster to my own mind, and I need to be stopped. My head has some scary way of not letting things go no matter how much I try. And having a blogger and a journal is good for me, because what I cannot put into physical words, I can write down and say and let them out of my brain. It was an outlet. and that really helped for the longest time, but now I need something else. Writing, painting, drawing doesn't help anymore.
I know I am young and that I shouldn't have to worry if I will end up alone, but I can't help it. I have had so many chances with people. and I never can feel anything more that a crush on them. I won't allow myself. After falling deeply into love once, I just can't do it again. I can't feel that way. And I don't want that, I want to feel that way. I want someone to take me away from my life in every aspect.
But I'm afraid that will never happen again.
And that really scares me. That's why I sleep alot. to dream. When I dream, I dream of when I was alive. and feeling lost in love.
You know, and I'm not depressed or anything, and like I said I really truly am happy. Everyone knows that too. I always have a smile, a real smile, on my face. I have a great sense of humor(im not conceited im just saying lately) and I'm growing into a nice young lady.
But I just need to sort out things in my life.
I've been saying that for a long time.
But now I actually will do it.
So I this will be my last post.
I will stay away untill let's say January 31 at least. Maybe I'll post then.
Good bye. Wish me luck!
I must have sounded like a honest crazy person. Someone who needs to be put away ahah. Telling her about the thoughts I have, and how I can't think logicly anymore. And how afraid I am I won't be able to love anyone again, and I will end up by myself. And how sometimes I fall asleep so much just so I can dream. Why do I want to live so badly through them?
She said she wakes up in the morning and thinks about how I am.
That's sad when someone worries about you the moment they awaken.
Don't get me wrong, I am a really happy person and I love who I am. I just don't understand who I am though.
And I really think I need help, even if it's someone just to sit and listen to me ramble. They really don't even have to talk to me, just listen.
I don't understand how to function sometimes anymore.
I have become somewhat a monster to my own mind, and I need to be stopped. My head has some scary way of not letting things go no matter how much I try. And having a blogger and a journal is good for me, because what I cannot put into physical words, I can write down and say and let them out of my brain. It was an outlet. and that really helped for the longest time, but now I need something else. Writing, painting, drawing doesn't help anymore.
I know I am young and that I shouldn't have to worry if I will end up alone, but I can't help it. I have had so many chances with people. and I never can feel anything more that a crush on them. I won't allow myself. After falling deeply into love once, I just can't do it again. I can't feel that way. And I don't want that, I want to feel that way. I want someone to take me away from my life in every aspect.
But I'm afraid that will never happen again.
And that really scares me. That's why I sleep alot. to dream. When I dream, I dream of when I was alive. and feeling lost in love.
You know, and I'm not depressed or anything, and like I said I really truly am happy. Everyone knows that too. I always have a smile, a real smile, on my face. I have a great sense of humor(im not conceited im just saying lately) and I'm growing into a nice young lady.
But I just need to sort out things in my life.
I've been saying that for a long time.
But now I actually will do it.
So I this will be my last post.
I will stay away untill let's say January 31 at least. Maybe I'll post then.
Good bye. Wish me luck!
everyone has left for Chicago :(
this weekend was good though.
Friday I actually worked, and it wasn't too bad, once the children fell asleep. But I had a hard time not falling asleep. But I made really good money, so it was completely worth it.
Saturday I woke up pretty early and cleaned the whole upstairs. It was sickening how bad I let it go. A complete mess and clutter of shit. Then I fought the christmas shoppers crowd and went out to pick up a few more gifts for everyone.
When I got back I fell right into my bed and drifted into a nap. I love dreaming. It's probably one of the few times I feel safe in my own body. I wish my life was really what happened in my dreams. Things make sense and they're logic in my head in dreams.
I woke up and Cassi wanted to know if I wanted to go with her to pick her mom up from the Airport. So we battled the traffic to DFW. Haha singing along to The Goodnights with Mr. Oberloier. Aww Patrick. He was a nervous wreck, smoking and freaking out before we got there. Haha.
"I'm falling in and out of love with you, I've never loved someone the way I loved youuuuu" The musical sounds of Alicia Keys. Ha, she is so brillaint, I don't care if she's R&B and too cool for me, I love her voice.
Anyways, we went back to Cassi's and she packed and I ate a bowl of ice cream yum. We watched part of the notebook and christmas with the Kranks with her parents, then headed back to my house.
We concocted a good acoholic drink with some svedka vodka. Mmm, tasted so good. I love that feeling of drinking. Ah! It's the way your stomach feels when you're in love, but just more warm. Ah, can't get enough of it. Then we met Cam at starbucks. His mom got me a necklace for christmas, it's cute.
Then my mother called twice so I needed to go home and call her from the house or else she wouldn't believe me I was doing what I was supposed to do. Ha, so we did that, then watched tv for a while and shit.
Then I retreated upstairs when a sudden rush of drowsiness came over me. I smoked for a while then put it out and made some dinner around 12:30. Some pasta and stuff. I finally decided to just quit waiting and go to bed. Whatever.
That's just what bothers me. Just say something, Don't leave me hanging. That's rude.
"When the rain comes pouring down and my heart is hurting, you will always be around, this i know for certain, i dont worry cause everythings gunna be alright people keep talking they can say what they like but i all i know is everythings gunna be alright." alicia guurrrrrrrrrl you so good.
"I know some people search the wor;d to find something like what we have i know people will try try to divide something so real so till the end of time I'm telling you no one, no one, no one, will get in the way of what I feel for youuuuuu"
Hahah I really like that song, it really pertains to nothing in my life, but I still sing it all the time.
this weekend was good though.
Friday I actually worked, and it wasn't too bad, once the children fell asleep. But I had a hard time not falling asleep. But I made really good money, so it was completely worth it.
Saturday I woke up pretty early and cleaned the whole upstairs. It was sickening how bad I let it go. A complete mess and clutter of shit. Then I fought the christmas shoppers crowd and went out to pick up a few more gifts for everyone.
When I got back I fell right into my bed and drifted into a nap. I love dreaming. It's probably one of the few times I feel safe in my own body. I wish my life was really what happened in my dreams. Things make sense and they're logic in my head in dreams.
I woke up and Cassi wanted to know if I wanted to go with her to pick her mom up from the Airport. So we battled the traffic to DFW. Haha singing along to The Goodnights with Mr. Oberloier. Aww Patrick. He was a nervous wreck, smoking and freaking out before we got there. Haha.
"I'm falling in and out of love with you, I've never loved someone the way I loved youuuuu" The musical sounds of Alicia Keys. Ha, she is so brillaint, I don't care if she's R&B and too cool for me, I love her voice.
Anyways, we went back to Cassi's and she packed and I ate a bowl of ice cream yum. We watched part of the notebook and christmas with the Kranks with her parents, then headed back to my house.
We concocted a good acoholic drink with some svedka vodka. Mmm, tasted so good. I love that feeling of drinking. Ah! It's the way your stomach feels when you're in love, but just more warm. Ah, can't get enough of it. Then we met Cam at starbucks. His mom got me a necklace for christmas, it's cute.
Then my mother called twice so I needed to go home and call her from the house or else she wouldn't believe me I was doing what I was supposed to do. Ha, so we did that, then watched tv for a while and shit.
Then I retreated upstairs when a sudden rush of drowsiness came over me. I smoked for a while then put it out and made some dinner around 12:30. Some pasta and stuff. I finally decided to just quit waiting and go to bed. Whatever.
That's just what bothers me. Just say something, Don't leave me hanging. That's rude.
"When the rain comes pouring down and my heart is hurting, you will always be around, this i know for certain, i dont worry cause everythings gunna be alright people keep talking they can say what they like but i all i know is everythings gunna be alright." alicia guurrrrrrrrrl you so good.
"I know some people search the wor;d to find something like what we have i know people will try try to divide something so real so till the end of time I'm telling you no one, no one, no one, will get in the way of what I feel for youuuuuu"
Hahah I really like that song, it really pertains to nothing in my life, but I still sing it all the time.
Friday, December 14, 2007
I am on the edge of a beautifully apholstered love seat in a family's living room, tedering on the brink of sleep. Wonderful sleep.
I love this house, it's so warm and alive. So full of traditions and good tidings. It's funny that I openly see the parents bickering at each other constantly and each of them having their downfalls. But you wouldn't guess by the sight of things that their relationship was rocky.
Everyone leaves for Chicago on sunday morning.
I'm really upset. What will I do without Cam and Cass and Tanner for a whole week? It won't even be life.
Isolationism.
Helllloo Thomas Jefferson.
Anyways. My parents have decided to leave for the weekend again. So the whole house in mine. Actually Katie (sister) came home from Tech this weekend. So she will be here, But she's working at night so I'm sure the house will be full late around 12 or 1.
Regardless, I've decided to do tomorrow night right.
Complete with hopefully getting really piss drunk off of cheap beer.
How classy of me. But you know, I feel a need to celebrate my success, or maybe lack thereof.
Oh well, whatever the occasion, it willl be done right!
I love this house, it's so warm and alive. So full of traditions and good tidings. It's funny that I openly see the parents bickering at each other constantly and each of them having their downfalls. But you wouldn't guess by the sight of things that their relationship was rocky.
Everyone leaves for Chicago on sunday morning.
I'm really upset. What will I do without Cam and Cass and Tanner for a whole week? It won't even be life.
Isolationism.
Helllloo Thomas Jefferson.
Anyways. My parents have decided to leave for the weekend again. So the whole house in mine. Actually Katie (sister) came home from Tech this weekend. So she will be here, But she's working at night so I'm sure the house will be full late around 12 or 1.
Regardless, I've decided to do tomorrow night right.
Complete with hopefully getting really piss drunk off of cheap beer.
How classy of me. But you know, I feel a need to celebrate my success, or maybe lack thereof.
Oh well, whatever the occasion, it willl be done right!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I just don't understand:
-what i'm showing you wrong
-why i'm not mature enough
-what i'm missing out on
-how i'm being isolated
-how i'm not ready
-how staying will benefit me
-how you're so ignorant
-how you don't see how bad I want this
-how you don't see how much I hate this
-how you haven't known this for the past fucking 3 years
-how you have forgotten everything we've talked about
-how you have forgotten how I left
-how you have forgotten that night when you rubbed my back and said "i know julie"
-how you have forgotten all the things said that night
-how you have forgotten how much I told you that night
-how you have forgotten how much I told you being here caused me pain
-how you don't want me to be happy
-how you think my future is to satisfy you
-how you think I've worked hard for four years for you
-how you think I'm not exploring options.
Just admit it, you don't want this for me.
Stop trying to blame it on something, YOU DON'T WANT THIS FOR ME.
God, that's the one thing I detest; You going back on your words.
Your words for the last four years of my life. Agreeing with me on how much I hated this place, on how much you were behind me on getting out.
And now it's like you would do anything to not have that happen.
I have waited so long for this moment, and I'm sorry but you controll the decision, and you don't understand how much it hurts to watch it being ripped away from me.
I don't understand why you think it doesn't matter to me that much. I yelled/cried in the car for 30 minutes because you didn't get it. you didn't get how much I crave that. I don't know how to get it through to you.
I acted like an adult, rash and level headed, and still I am the one who ends up in tears with residue running down my face.
Why?
I saw your point of view, I tried it.
I DOESN'T WORK AND YOU KNOW IT.
So why after all the evidence is there, can't you just support me like you said you would.
Please, why are you letting me down.
-what i'm showing you wrong
-why i'm not mature enough
-what i'm missing out on
-how i'm being isolated
-how i'm not ready
-how staying will benefit me
-how you're so ignorant
-how you don't see how bad I want this
-how you don't see how much I hate this
-how you haven't known this for the past fucking 3 years
-how you have forgotten everything we've talked about
-how you have forgotten how I left
-how you have forgotten that night when you rubbed my back and said "i know julie"
-how you have forgotten all the things said that night
-how you have forgotten how much I told you that night
-how you have forgotten how much I told you being here caused me pain
-how you don't want me to be happy
-how you think my future is to satisfy you
-how you think I've worked hard for four years for you
-how you think I'm not exploring options.
Just admit it, you don't want this for me.
Stop trying to blame it on something, YOU DON'T WANT THIS FOR ME.
God, that's the one thing I detest; You going back on your words.
Your words for the last four years of my life. Agreeing with me on how much I hated this place, on how much you were behind me on getting out.
And now it's like you would do anything to not have that happen.
I have waited so long for this moment, and I'm sorry but you controll the decision, and you don't understand how much it hurts to watch it being ripped away from me.
I don't understand why you think it doesn't matter to me that much. I yelled/cried in the car for 30 minutes because you didn't get it. you didn't get how much I crave that. I don't know how to get it through to you.
I acted like an adult, rash and level headed, and still I am the one who ends up in tears with residue running down my face.
Why?
I saw your point of view, I tried it.
I DOESN'T WORK AND YOU KNOW IT.
So why after all the evidence is there, can't you just support me like you said you would.
Please, why are you letting me down.
Monday, December 10, 2007
couting down-
t minus:
14 days till christmas
15 days till i leave for houston
17 days till my day of birth
20 days till new years eve
four wishes
1. camera, scarves, hats
2. quality time with my best friend
3. a "good" birthday spent with people who care about me
4. a quality new years eve with someone who cares
t minus:
14 days till christmas
15 days till i leave for houston
17 days till my day of birth
20 days till new years eve
four wishes
1. camera, scarves, hats
2. quality time with my best friend
3. a "good" birthday spent with people who care about me
4. a quality new years eve with someone who cares
Sunday, December 9, 2007
sing this lullaby to yourself.
Temperament:
Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.
Interests:
Simple
You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.
Amusement:
Thoughtful
You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.
Passion
Traditional:
Your notions about romance are viewed as unrealistic by many, but don't let that stop you. When you think of romance, you think of huge gestures of commitment, sacrifice and love like we see in the movies. Flowers, chocolate, and wine are just some of the ways to your heart. You want to feel loved and treasured by your partner and you expect to be courted, admired and hotly pursued. You long for old fashioned dating.
Why is so right?
Temperament:
Idealist
You are the quintessential dreamer - spending more time thinking about the possibilities that the world holds for you, rather than your reality. You don't settle for anything less than what you truly desire and you work very hard. You tend to live in every place except the present - you are prone to daydreaming about the future and re-thinking the choices you made in the past. Sometimes you get overly caught up in your thoughts.
Interests:
Simple
You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.
Amusement:
Thoughtful
You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.
Passion
Traditional:
Your notions about romance are viewed as unrealistic by many, but don't let that stop you. When you think of romance, you think of huge gestures of commitment, sacrifice and love like we see in the movies. Flowers, chocolate, and wine are just some of the ways to your heart. You want to feel loved and treasured by your partner and you expect to be courted, admired and hotly pursued. You long for old fashioned dating.
Why is so right?
I still smell the remaints of last night on my skin and hair. The sweet smell of smoke and sheets.
The whole Neal family minus Zach and I went out to Haileys in Denton last night. Geroge Neal is Mr. Neal's cousin. Ha, when I was telling Cameron about who was playing and I saw that it said George Neal and I was just going to be stupid and witty and ask "hah, are you guys related" and turns out they really are!
We got there just in time. And Mr. Neal went up there to talk to George and he was really surprised. The show was really good, we stayed for most of it. Then after George's band was done we talked to him for a while. He wants Cameron to jam with them, so that will be fun. Also, he told us at Jay Jay's pizza, there was a John Lennon tribute show going on and he would be playing there as well around 11. So we hung out a bit more at haileys and then headed over there. We listened to an actual beatle's cover band. and they were ridiculously on cue.
Cam and I decided to head back to haileys cause we wanted to hear a certain group that was about to play.
Might I add it was about 30 or less degrees, and from getting dressed yesterday when it was about 80, I had a paper thin dress on, with the tiniest sweater. So needless to say I was shivering like a crack addict.
When we got back Cam pulled out his pack and went "you want one?" ha, I immediately shook my head and replied "no......yes" ha, then took it greatfully and had my way with it.
It has been so long since I've tasted that sweet burning on the edge of my lips. I think the last time I smoked, I was at UNT about two-three months ago. And taylor got in trouble and he had my pack. I left without it, and I haven't bought a new one since. Just made myself quit like that.
It's so tempting now. To have that constant need for the next nicotine rush. Uhhhh, I can feel my stomach quivering now just to have one more drag.
See, this is why I am my own worst nightmare! Hah, I give into myself so easily.
Needless to say when I got home last night, I jumped into bed and passed out in nearly ten minutes. All I have left of that piece of "candy" is the smell that stuck to my sheets.
The whole Neal family minus Zach and I went out to Haileys in Denton last night. Geroge Neal is Mr. Neal's cousin. Ha, when I was telling Cameron about who was playing and I saw that it said George Neal and I was just going to be stupid and witty and ask "hah, are you guys related" and turns out they really are!
We got there just in time. And Mr. Neal went up there to talk to George and he was really surprised. The show was really good, we stayed for most of it. Then after George's band was done we talked to him for a while. He wants Cameron to jam with them, so that will be fun. Also, he told us at Jay Jay's pizza, there was a John Lennon tribute show going on and he would be playing there as well around 11. So we hung out a bit more at haileys and then headed over there. We listened to an actual beatle's cover band. and they were ridiculously on cue.
Cam and I decided to head back to haileys cause we wanted to hear a certain group that was about to play.
Might I add it was about 30 or less degrees, and from getting dressed yesterday when it was about 80, I had a paper thin dress on, with the tiniest sweater. So needless to say I was shivering like a crack addict.
When we got back Cam pulled out his pack and went "you want one?" ha, I immediately shook my head and replied "no......yes" ha, then took it greatfully and had my way with it.
It has been so long since I've tasted that sweet burning on the edge of my lips. I think the last time I smoked, I was at UNT about two-three months ago. And taylor got in trouble and he had my pack. I left without it, and I haven't bought a new one since. Just made myself quit like that.
It's so tempting now. To have that constant need for the next nicotine rush. Uhhhh, I can feel my stomach quivering now just to have one more drag.
See, this is why I am my own worst nightmare! Hah, I give into myself so easily.
Needless to say when I got home last night, I jumped into bed and passed out in nearly ten minutes. All I have left of that piece of "candy" is the smell that stuck to my sheets.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Oh ever so bored as can be right now. Working on watching those babies. Not really, on the contrary though, I am doing a good job of getting paid.
Tomorrow should be good I hope so anyways.
I think my mom and I will go to mockingbird to pick out some boots or something. I needed a desperate trip using her money instead of mine to Urban.
Then I plan to accompany Mr. Neal to Hailey's in Denton to see a good folk/country show.
Woooooh.
I am proceeding to watch Degrassi. Oh fake highschool drama. Cable television has temporarily stolen my brain.
Rarrrrrrr
Tomorrow should be good I hope so anyways.
I think my mom and I will go to mockingbird to pick out some boots or something. I needed a desperate trip using her money instead of mine to Urban.
Then I plan to accompany Mr. Neal to Hailey's in Denton to see a good folk/country show.
Woooooh.
I am proceeding to watch Degrassi. Oh fake highschool drama. Cable television has temporarily stolen my brain.
Rarrrrrrr
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Ahhhhh, I am driving myself insane possibly. Ugh "it" makes my stomach drop in the most wonderful way. But I don't know why I think about "it" because "it" isn't even in my life! "It" makes me feel childish and giddy, and dimply. No! No! No! Why does "it" do this to me?!
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Make me stop thinking about it.
Ahhhhh, I am driving myself insane possibly. Ugh "it" makes my stomach drop in the most wonderful way. But I don't know why I think about "it" because "it" isn't even in my life! "It" makes me feel childish and giddy, and dimply. No! No! No! Why does "it" do this to me?!
I am laying in my bed inbetween fifty sheets because I am sick. Woke up with a horrible migraine and threw up a couple times. Mmm cute. I do hope to make it to at least one of my classes today. Really would feel bad if I skipped a whole day. My fingers are so cold that it's really hard to move them to hit the right keys!
I guess I started feeling like shit last night around 7. I don't even know why I feel bad. I haven't really done anything. And it's not like something contagious, it's just feeling really run down and shitty. Which creeps me out because I was perfectly happy and upbeat and fine until 7!
So I took a bath around 8 and layed in the tub for a really long time. With just my face poking out of the water so I can breathe. I like to deafen myself with the water over my ears. So all I can hear is my thoughts and my breathing. It comforts me in an odd way. Feels like I'm the only one who exsists in that one small moment of life. It allows me to forget about everything that's going on in my life and be simple and delicate for a period in time.
Lately, I don't know why, it's been on my mind alot. I'm never one to consume thought of someone, but I just can't stop! My imagination I guess is running away with different thoughts about it! I Don't know why hahaah. I know I won't have it, or have a chance with it, but my mind won't let it go. And I found myself actually conversing with my mind. Hahah. Saying "I mean it's not like it's going to happen, so drop it, forget about it already, you need to stop it, you're coming on, you're coming on too strong, stop stop stop" Hahha, oh no. But as much as I have done in my life, my brain also defies me. Thanks alottt. It learns from the best huh.
I hate the fact I can text message again now. I'm beginning to think there's deffinitely a down side to it. I fell asleep last night around 9 and slept for a while. Then Kelley texted me, and bareley awoke me, so I texted back a short "hey" which I mispelled from being drunk with dreams. And then Cam texted me and wanted me to read a message he sent me on the computer. I felt that it was actually important, or it sounded it was, and I got really worried as I waited for the computer to turn on. I read it, and it was good for me to read I Guess. He really cares about our friendship and I know he's one of my genuine friends. After last week, and my little outburst to him on Friday night, I guess I kinda needed that reassurance.
In a short sense, he's just afraid of change. Especially when we all go away next year and he's left here. That is scary. But he knows he's welcome to come stay with me any day all day long. So I'm sure next year he will be in my room every weekend jamming like he always does. That will be good.
welp, I feel myself drifting again. So excuse me while I pass out for about ten hours.
I guess I started feeling like shit last night around 7. I don't even know why I feel bad. I haven't really done anything. And it's not like something contagious, it's just feeling really run down and shitty. Which creeps me out because I was perfectly happy and upbeat and fine until 7!
So I took a bath around 8 and layed in the tub for a really long time. With just my face poking out of the water so I can breathe. I like to deafen myself with the water over my ears. So all I can hear is my thoughts and my breathing. It comforts me in an odd way. Feels like I'm the only one who exsists in that one small moment of life. It allows me to forget about everything that's going on in my life and be simple and delicate for a period in time.
Lately, I don't know why, it's been on my mind alot. I'm never one to consume thought of someone, but I just can't stop! My imagination I guess is running away with different thoughts about it! I Don't know why hahaah. I know I won't have it, or have a chance with it, but my mind won't let it go. And I found myself actually conversing with my mind. Hahah. Saying "I mean it's not like it's going to happen, so drop it, forget about it already, you need to stop it, you're coming on, you're coming on too strong, stop stop stop" Hahha, oh no. But as much as I have done in my life, my brain also defies me. Thanks alottt. It learns from the best huh.
I hate the fact I can text message again now. I'm beginning to think there's deffinitely a down side to it. I fell asleep last night around 9 and slept for a while. Then Kelley texted me, and bareley awoke me, so I texted back a short "hey" which I mispelled from being drunk with dreams. And then Cam texted me and wanted me to read a message he sent me on the computer. I felt that it was actually important, or it sounded it was, and I got really worried as I waited for the computer to turn on. I read it, and it was good for me to read I Guess. He really cares about our friendship and I know he's one of my genuine friends. After last week, and my little outburst to him on Friday night, I guess I kinda needed that reassurance.
In a short sense, he's just afraid of change. Especially when we all go away next year and he's left here. That is scary. But he knows he's welcome to come stay with me any day all day long. So I'm sure next year he will be in my room every weekend jamming like he always does. That will be good.
welp, I feel myself drifting again. So excuse me while I pass out for about ten hours.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Despite my wonderful mood eariler, which surprisingly came from no particular occurance, I feel absolutely horrible.
I am really sick.
I think caffine is really getting to me. I really need to stop. I need to cut off cold turkey.
Ugh ugh ughhhh.
I talked to Hayley today. First time in months. And I told her how I felt. and everything. and it was almost bitter sweet. I told her that I would like to imagine that if I knew the real her, I would love and care for her just as much as I did for the "fake" Hayley I loved and cared for during our four year friendship. I did cry as I told her I loved her always and forever and I cried when she told me she was happy for once, and she liked starting over and she was finally comfortable for herself. Something I could never understand how to remedy.
Things shape up eventually I suppose.
As for me, days are growing closer for me to grow one year older. Weird I'm another year older.
Ugh so strange. I am getting so old now. Yet so young and coming into my prime, I would like to think.
I am going to crawl literally to the bathtub and soak in boiling hot water and watch myself prune. maybe I will feel better? And then crawl to my big bed and curl up in between sheets and doze off.
Can this week end already!!! I want to just get friday night over with. And make something out the weekend because I surely have failed for the past two.
I am really sick.
I think caffine is really getting to me. I really need to stop. I need to cut off cold turkey.
Ugh ugh ughhhh.
I talked to Hayley today. First time in months. And I told her how I felt. and everything. and it was almost bitter sweet. I told her that I would like to imagine that if I knew the real her, I would love and care for her just as much as I did for the "fake" Hayley I loved and cared for during our four year friendship. I did cry as I told her I loved her always and forever and I cried when she told me she was happy for once, and she liked starting over and she was finally comfortable for herself. Something I could never understand how to remedy.
Things shape up eventually I suppose.
As for me, days are growing closer for me to grow one year older. Weird I'm another year older.
Ugh so strange. I am getting so old now. Yet so young and coming into my prime, I would like to think.
I am going to crawl literally to the bathtub and soak in boiling hot water and watch myself prune. maybe I will feel better? And then crawl to my big bed and curl up in between sheets and doze off.
Can this week end already!!! I want to just get friday night over with. And make something out the weekend because I surely have failed for the past two.
I would really wish to think that all those times we sat in the car, house, bathroom, pool. ect. that the reason why you didn't want to tell me or the reason why you said outloud "should I tell Julie" was because you didn't want to hurt me in the end.
With your dumb lies, you really have torn apart my life not to mention my best friend's. I told my mom everything, I confided in her when we had no terms at all, because I wanted to most help for you I could find and I didn't know what a 14 year old girl at the time could do. And I don't have the guts to tell my mom that you are a liar, you lied.
Does four years of friendship not mean a thing?
Wait, it wasn't friendship. It was four years of lies.
So I guess you can't even answer that question.
Does four years of lying not mean a thing?
Obviously not.
With your dumb lies, you really have torn apart my life not to mention my best friend's. I told my mom everything, I confided in her when we had no terms at all, because I wanted to most help for you I could find and I didn't know what a 14 year old girl at the time could do. And I don't have the guts to tell my mom that you are a liar, you lied.
Does four years of friendship not mean a thing?
Wait, it wasn't friendship. It was four years of lies.
So I guess you can't even answer that question.
Does four years of lying not mean a thing?
Obviously not.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Well, someone's changed. And for once it's not me!
Hahhaha, ugh! Some people have turned into such "dicks" these days. My mom and I went to target and to run errands today in the afternoon together, and on our last stop, Target, we saw Kyle. Ha, my mom and I said hey which he thoroughly ignored me and said hello to my mom. Then we walked down the aisle and my mom goes "Man, I really like his sweater" so we walked back up the aisle and ran into him again. My mom stops and goes "So how are you doing Kyle?" and I told him my mom liked his sweater. And he gave the bitchiest answers to my mother. So rude. So rude.
When we walked away I just started laughing because my mom was like "well someone doesn't want to be alive today". I mean you can be as much as a dick to me as you want. but don't be rude to my mother just because you have a problem with me. My mom let me get away with so much stuff when I was with you, she let any doubts about you out of her mind, she never onced judged you despite all the usual things she dislikes, she thought of you as the biggest sweetheart and loved you, she made you treats all the time. God! And you actually have the nerve to be rude to her! HA!
Then I told her about how he's been falling into pot and drinking alot and stuff. And my mom just lost alot of respect for him. She understands he's been through alot lately with his parents and all. But she made a valid point by stating that just because times have been rough doesn't give anyone the right to do such things.
It's just funny how you can call someone "the best thing you ever had" and then be a complete asshole to their face once something's over.
As I recall it wasn't one person's fault things closed, it was mutual.
And in that case, I guess you're sending me the message to be a mutual asshole back.
Haha but I won't stump to that level. Because I'm better than that, unlike you, as you have shown. HA someone who hated all of that. Ha. You have no respect for yourself.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Conclusion- My life would be about 75% easier if I knew what people really honestly thought about me. Because then I wouldn't have to make decisions on a perceived guess and make a mess of things!
If I would have known honestly how certain people feel about me, ugh, I would never have messed up so much.
I am so dense sometimes, about feelings of adoration and such. Why does it never click when someone cares for me more than in a friendly way and then when it is put out on the table I am suddenly caught off gaurd. Resulting in my response being pulled out of my ass, and ending up sounding like words jumbled together. And I try to leave it open-ended so I mean nothing by it until I can further think about it, but in actuality I just left someone feeling like a stub and ruined what was ever consisted of their pride.
I feel like screaming because I am Julia Ellen Green: Utterly the most confusing person on the face of the planet.
At least I have accomplished something.
If I would have known honestly how certain people feel about me, ugh, I would never have messed up so much.
I am so dense sometimes, about feelings of adoration and such. Why does it never click when someone cares for me more than in a friendly way and then when it is put out on the table I am suddenly caught off gaurd. Resulting in my response being pulled out of my ass, and ending up sounding like words jumbled together. And I try to leave it open-ended so I mean nothing by it until I can further think about it, but in actuality I just left someone feeling like a stub and ruined what was ever consisted of their pride.
I feel like screaming because I am Julia Ellen Green: Utterly the most confusing person on the face of the planet.
At least I have accomplished something.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
I'm in the early uprising sense of a change in myself. I can just tell.
I've always been a girl who has never followed the beaten path. At first, this was hard for my family and friends to really understand. And for the longest time I fought to make them understand and to support me and continue to love me although I might be out of the ordinary.
But now it seems like I want the stability of pre-determined destiny. Ugh what is that even?!
Sometimes the fact that I have the ability to leave home and do what I want, and to have the real world at my fingertips scares me. Scares me so much I feel like crying or breaking down.
I know myself, and I make a mess of things I don't know how to deal with correctly. And life, I deffinitely don't know how to deal with. So being by myself out there, oh god, I am my own worst enemy.
I really really really, dreamed, hoped, begged, prayed, for University of Texas to be right for me and to be what I want. And as the day grows closer to my personal visit and everytime I continue to look at their website, catalogue, I feel that it is what I want and where I want to be. One of the best Film Departments here! What more could I honestly want: a great school, a great city, a great life, a great oppertunity?
But right now I feel like I need to put that aside and stay put. I guess I will either stay at a community college (despite how people say it's like highschool and not real school) or maybe go to UNT for a semester or year.
I guess the reason behind my logic is, that UT and all the enviornment offers me is too good for me. I don't want to go into that life not fully prepared and fuck it all up and screw myself. But maybe if I spend more time actually growing up and finding out who I am (I still have no clue) I can have more of a chance to "make it".
I wish someone would just tell me what to do for my life.
And I would do it instantly. Pre-determinded, going down that beaten path, no more obscurities. I kinda fought all those years for nothing. How sad that is haha.
Another birthday is arising.
Ohhhhhhhh lorddddyyyyy.
I've always been a girl who has never followed the beaten path. At first, this was hard for my family and friends to really understand. And for the longest time I fought to make them understand and to support me and continue to love me although I might be out of the ordinary.
But now it seems like I want the stability of pre-determined destiny. Ugh what is that even?!
Sometimes the fact that I have the ability to leave home and do what I want, and to have the real world at my fingertips scares me. Scares me so much I feel like crying or breaking down.
I know myself, and I make a mess of things I don't know how to deal with correctly. And life, I deffinitely don't know how to deal with. So being by myself out there, oh god, I am my own worst enemy.
I really really really, dreamed, hoped, begged, prayed, for University of Texas to be right for me and to be what I want. And as the day grows closer to my personal visit and everytime I continue to look at their website, catalogue, I feel that it is what I want and where I want to be. One of the best Film Departments here! What more could I honestly want: a great school, a great city, a great life, a great oppertunity?
But right now I feel like I need to put that aside and stay put. I guess I will either stay at a community college (despite how people say it's like highschool and not real school) or maybe go to UNT for a semester or year.
I guess the reason behind my logic is, that UT and all the enviornment offers me is too good for me. I don't want to go into that life not fully prepared and fuck it all up and screw myself. But maybe if I spend more time actually growing up and finding out who I am (I still have no clue) I can have more of a chance to "make it".
I wish someone would just tell me what to do for my life.
And I would do it instantly. Pre-determinded, going down that beaten path, no more obscurities. I kinda fought all those years for nothing. How sad that is haha.
Another birthday is arising.
Ohhhhhhhh lorddddyyyyy.
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