Went out to Copper Canyon today to ride.
Ugh, so beautiful! I took Norman and Storm out and it took about an hour to clean the thick cake of mud that they rolled in off. Thanks boys. Then worked out their kinks.

Unfortunately I'm stupid and hopped on Storm for a minute and got him to gallop but he threw his shoe. So that was the end for him. Had to go put him out in the pasture and had to exercise Norman alone. :( Cute brothers.

It was so windy and sunny. Perfect weather, couldn't ask for better. I finally got Norman to stop being such a spooky boy and we went out behind some railroad tracks onto a huge open field and let him have at it. I can't remember the last time he stretched out like that and made strides so fast.
He's such a beautiful animal. I couldn't imagine a more perfect hobby.
I like riding just because I focus so much energy into it that all I am on top of that animal is his partner in an obsticle and we have to work together. I get to let go of anything in my life, worries, inhibitions. They're all gone.
I remember last year things got so bad I would go ride probably four times a week. Didn't even care about school work. I would just drop everything in the freezing weather or the hot summer and take a ride.
It's relaxing. I used to see it almost as a chore.

The horses also remind me of my childhood.
Going out every week to the barn with my mom and riding. I can't believe I used to love horses so much. I didn't even want to leave. Mom would have to pry me from the barn to get me in the car. I even volunteered for little kid's lessons to get their horses ready for free. Just as long as I got time around horses was all that mattered to me.

Things were so good when I was little. My parents were so happy. My dad loved his job. The only way things could go seemed upward. My brother was normal. My sister and I got along. We understood each other. Life was easy. Normal. Normal in the aspects of Normal. Then things changed.
We moved overseas. I grew up there. I still rode in holland. I remember we couldn't bring the horse overseas. So it was a sad parting. But I quickly got involved there. Riding twice a week. It was scary. Some man would always be there instructing me. Yelling because I was too soft.
I remember him cracking in the round pin with me on the horse (a clydesdale) and making him buck to scare me. Which in turn ended up with me being thrown. I never got upset when that happened. But something was different there. I Cried and walked out. I didn't want to go back anymore.
I quit for the first time in my life. A theme that seems to be reoccuring later on in my life.
My brother started drugs.
My dad started hating work.
We finally moved back to the Woodlands.
Dad really hated work, came home so late, bitched, had health problems.
Brother started doing hard drugs, never came home, ran away, got arrested.
Katie grew up, started hating me. Started doing god knows what.
Mom started getting seperated from the family.
I took dance back up, still seperated from horses. Started being embarassed of myself and family.

Two years later:
Brother sent away to Utah and god knows where.
Mom and Dad crying all the time. So absent from the real world. Ashamed of themselves.
Sister completely absent partying.
Just throwing myself into dance and school.

Fast forward to Dallas.
Dad couldn't be happier. He needed that move.
Mom, completle bitched out. Hates dallas and is upset all the time.
Sister, invovled in school to the max.
Brother, actually in school doing something right.
Me, upset about the move. Beginning of drug binge and drinking every single day after I meet a new friend.

Next year:
Dad starting to wind down, he's his own boss. doing what he does.
Mom, even more emotional and hates dallas with a passion, constantly at wits end with her job and me.
Brother, busy with school, few slip ups.
Katie, Smoking pot everyday stressed about college. Considers not even going. gives up.
Me, Picking up habbits like there's no tomorrow. In and out of love. Confused. Giving up on school. Not caring. I start hanging out with my aunt. She takes me riding, I fall back into love. Suddenly nothing else matters except to continue. She gives me the horses. Now I can focus on something healthy and a real routine. life for me starts shaping up. Still missing home though. Major fights with parents about everything.

This past year.
What a whirlwind. Parents conclude they're not paying for my education anymore. I'm on my own once the birthday rolls around. Everyday is full of tears. They honestly couldn't ask for a worse child for a while. I've become the spawn of satan and I don't even know how. I start picking up bad habbits again. Smoking becomes apart of every hour of my life. Lying to my parents becomes so habitual. Going off and spending the night in god knows where. Doing stupid things. Having drunk nights with a companion I don't even want. Leading people on to things I Don't want. Realizing relationships for me are a mistake. Losing sight in love, realizing it doesn't exist. Losing my best friend. Regaining her again. Turning one year older. Seeing my life unfolding infront of me. Meeting new someones, thinking they're right. Only to find myself out and confused a few weeks later.
Mom misses Katie as she's off in college.
Dad's at his whit's end with work.

Now:
Mom still hates Dallas more than ever.
Dad found his new favorite job, concluding that once again he will be relocated. Which leaves me hanging. as always.
Katie and Will, closer than ever having the time of their lives in college.
Me, Fucked and confused as ever. But somewhat and somehow managing to smile every minute of every day. Finding more about myself than I ever imagined.
Finding new things. Starting to take back my thoughts about life and relationships.
Stopped most of my habits. No more smoking, occasional drinking.
Loving my friends more than ever. Can't wait to actually go away for school.
Can't come soon enough. hmmm.

If you actually read this, I salute you.

I needed to look at my life. Doneeeeeee

"I've been asleep for a while now, you tuck me in just like a child now. Cause everytime you hold me in your arms, I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth" thanks life.