I slightly forgot how much of a pair of assholes my parents can be.

All I ask is for a simple compromise, but of course it's too much, and I should be able to take care of myself.

I'm always the monster and I always will be. Nothing will really ever change. No matter how settled things become between us. Things will always go back to normal, or our normal at least.

I really don't know why I expect things to change. I really don't know why I try harder, to be what you want, hope and dream for.
I really don't know why I give a shit really. It's sad that I've come to terms with the fact that no matter what, I will always love you, no matter what you put me through, or the hell you make for me. I can't not love you. I can hate you, but I will always love you.

But sometimes I wish you could just understand my unconditioinal love and pass it back unto myself. Post-poning the whole liscence issue, the car issue, the college issue is making my efforts pointless. And tonight another fight puts us back another step.

You yelled because I didn't have the Dallas representitive's name and phone number from University of Texas on your desks yet. I'm sorry that I forgot a simple task. I'm sorry there's so many other things on my mind. But when I go upstairs into my college box to retrieve it from my Texas things, I have seen that my whole college box is no where to be found and infact all that is left is a UNT course booklet.

I ask "where did you put my UT pamphlets?"
you reply, "they're gone"

I guess you thought throwing away my things would throw away my dreams. I guess you thought it would be throwing away me leaving. you've had two children leave already. why am I the one you're holding back?

And then I find out that you're coming to austin with me. Not only that, but the whole family is? What the fuck is that. Suddenly I'm not capable of doing anything anymore? Suddenly I shouldn't have to take care of myself? What the fuck do you want? Please make it a little easier on me and tell me what you want me to do, what you want me to accomplish.
So now here I am on the ut website searching for the dallas representitive:
Brian Taylor- 214-526-1814
Happy?

you ask, "which kind of room do you want, share a bed with me, or a chouch bed?"
i reply, "it doesn't really matter, both ways the trip is still going to be hell"

and you really don't expect a response like this?
you yell at me at dinner about how i think you're attacking me.
and it seems as if no matter how many times i repeat that I know you're not and I don't think that, you will never realize that's the way I feel. You use that as your excuse to run away from the real issue at hand.

I guess I learn from the best.
Well thanks. Another upset night.

"you can't just be pissed off all the time"
"you come home pissed off all the time and I never ask questions and I let you be"
"i'm allowed to be pissed off, you're not"

great example of what imbuciles i'm dealing with here.

and that doesn't even begin to explain how left out i feel that you don't tell me about treatments.
you think i can't handle them.
you hide your lack of hope from me, because I "don't have enough standing to take it"
Try me for once, give me the benefit of some doubt.



maybe one day we can reconcile, until then, i'm taking your advice and leaving our lives with nothing more than a mere speck of dna.

"so tonight, when I left here, all i said was goodbye and that's all right. No 'i'll see you later'. I've been trying my whole life. and if it's an eye for an eye why i can't get this right. If i'm too slow to go fast, i'm too nervous to do that. So I run, run away. Why should I?"

-ace enders-
again