Let's just say people and guns don't mix. Good assumption. I have learned life and death situations aren't a favorite of mine.

I went to class today. Nothing new learned really. Just sat around with Brendan and Andrea and Lauren. Listened to music.

I'm not really sure when everything here ends, but I hope it's like what they say and I hope it never ends. Thinking about my future makes me shudder. Ughhh.
Tomorrow I'm leaving for austin and I'll be home friday night. This trip might be okay. I'm just looking forward to four given hours of sleep in the car on the way there. Ah, I can catch up on what seems to be a week filled to the brim with insomnia.

You know what I find sickening?

When people think they know everything about you, how you feel, how you work, what you're thinking.

Cause you might say "I'm generally always right about it"

Chances are, you're not. People just don't disagree with you.

Stop being so damn "insightful"
People aren't books, they're not meant to be read. So give the fuck up already.

It just makes me so infuriated when people say things when they don't even know who I am. Who are you to imply things without talking to me, really knowing me?
Learn something and get to know me, really get to know me before giving up on me or implying some hypothetical bullshit. "Chances are" that you know 'jack squat' and there's a reason behind what I do, or did.
Ugh, disgusting.

Mom and Mrs Easen's operations scare the fuck out of me. That will probably be me one day. To think, I could lose the very ground of my life at any moment is overwhelming.

Seems that's a reoccuring theme in my life.
Finding my safe, then having it ripped from me. Hopefully, this instince can prove me wrong. I have a blistering headache, but I've become accustomed to these, so I won't say anything else about it.
I am so beyond tired, I don't even know why I'm still awake. I could hardly hold my eyes open during a movie earlier today and that was at four p.m.

I walked into the house for dinner tonight and I saw a shadow from the corner of my eyes so I turned around quickly and said "hey sarge buddy" but I quickly realized, there's no way and what I saw was just a mirage of what I'm missing.
Good to sound crazy infront of my family. Ha it's okay. My dad will probably never be the same. He's really different now. It's weird so much changes from something to isignificant in our whole world's problems.

balancing on one wounded wing.
simply the edge of the never ending
the best of the vanished marvels have gathered inside your door.
more than begin less than forget,
both spirits born from the not happened yet.
gathering there to pay off the debts brought back from the war.

we thought we lost you, we thought we lost you.
we thought we lost you, welcome back.

sleeping for years, picked through what is left pieces that fell and rose from the depths.
from the rain water well, deep as the secret no body knows.
less than forget but more than begun, these adventures in solitude never done.
to the knees of our wombs, we send the same blood back from the wars.

we thought we lost you, we thought we lost you.
we thought we lost you, it will all come back.

I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that it’s comin’ at a bad time
Some cold place
Heartless ways
For all we know

I know you need to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it’s comin’ at a bad time
Tangled day
For all we know

I know you want to
Run far away from one more
And that’s comin’ at a bad time
Some cold race
Heartless ways
For all we know

I know you want to
Breathe through
Come back
Come too
But it’s comin’ at a bad time
Old scarred face
Survivor’s guilt
For all we know

For a cynical as I have been this week, I am in a sickening good mood.

I'm sitting here only draped in my bath towel. No ones here. My hair is dripping everywhere. The sun is beaming through the blinds.
The weather's so breezy, why can't life always be this easy?

I'm trying to take a break from thinking in reality for a moment. I'm living life day to day. And I'm content with it.
I want people to understand that they can't expect every inch of me. I just can't give it, to say it plainly. Too many reasons.
I can't be there giving people my life.
It has to be split. I have plans, dreams, other aspects that are important.
I feel a deed to be there for my friends. They come first.
They have almost all of my life given to them.

Anyone can have what's left, but there's not much.
So your job is to be content with that.

I slightly forgot how much of a pair of assholes my parents can be.

All I ask is for a simple compromise, but of course it's too much, and I should be able to take care of myself.

I'm always the monster and I always will be. Nothing will really ever change. No matter how settled things become between us. Things will always go back to normal, or our normal at least.

I really don't know why I expect things to change. I really don't know why I try harder, to be what you want, hope and dream for.
I really don't know why I give a shit really. It's sad that I've come to terms with the fact that no matter what, I will always love you, no matter what you put me through, or the hell you make for me. I can't not love you. I can hate you, but I will always love you.

But sometimes I wish you could just understand my unconditioinal love and pass it back unto myself. Post-poning the whole liscence issue, the car issue, the college issue is making my efforts pointless. And tonight another fight puts us back another step.

You yelled because I didn't have the Dallas representitive's name and phone number from University of Texas on your desks yet. I'm sorry that I forgot a simple task. I'm sorry there's so many other things on my mind. But when I go upstairs into my college box to retrieve it from my Texas things, I have seen that my whole college box is no where to be found and infact all that is left is a UNT course booklet.

I ask "where did you put my UT pamphlets?"
you reply, "they're gone"

I guess you thought throwing away my things would throw away my dreams. I guess you thought it would be throwing away me leaving. you've had two children leave already. why am I the one you're holding back?

And then I find out that you're coming to austin with me. Not only that, but the whole family is? What the fuck is that. Suddenly I'm not capable of doing anything anymore? Suddenly I shouldn't have to take care of myself? What the fuck do you want? Please make it a little easier on me and tell me what you want me to do, what you want me to accomplish.
So now here I am on the ut website searching for the dallas representitive:
Brian Taylor- 214-526-1814
Happy?

you ask, "which kind of room do you want, share a bed with me, or a chouch bed?"
i reply, "it doesn't really matter, both ways the trip is still going to be hell"

and you really don't expect a response like this?
you yell at me at dinner about how i think you're attacking me.
and it seems as if no matter how many times i repeat that I know you're not and I don't think that, you will never realize that's the way I feel. You use that as your excuse to run away from the real issue at hand.

I guess I learn from the best.
Well thanks. Another upset night.

"you can't just be pissed off all the time"
"you come home pissed off all the time and I never ask questions and I let you be"
"i'm allowed to be pissed off, you're not"

great example of what imbuciles i'm dealing with here.

and that doesn't even begin to explain how left out i feel that you don't tell me about treatments.
you think i can't handle them.
you hide your lack of hope from me, because I "don't have enough standing to take it"
Try me for once, give me the benefit of some doubt.



maybe one day we can reconcile, until then, i'm taking your advice and leaving our lives with nothing more than a mere speck of dna.

"so tonight, when I left here, all i said was goodbye and that's all right. No 'i'll see you later'. I've been trying my whole life. and if it's an eye for an eye why i can't get this right. If i'm too slow to go fast, i'm too nervous to do that. So I run, run away. Why should I?"

-ace enders-
again

Okay new post.

Anyways.

It's cold. Miserably. And even when I'm warm, it's still cold.
....

My mind is really blank, so much empty space.

All that's really been consuming it's vacant lots are songs; one is particular.

All I know is I'm wanted gone. It's wasting my time with all it wants.
And if it's a game, then I'm done.
You know you don't win when you play for fun, but I'm all in this one.
Timing was good to me, the lonely old man who was always lost and sold everything.
And if it's a game then I play it well, running away with a pot of gold from somebody's guilt.
from somebody's guilt.
It's time for me to move away. Pack it all and run with grace.
Along the way I treat myslef.
with some new lungs to clear my chest.
Timing was good to me. The lonely old man who was always lost and sold everything.
And if it's a game, well then I, I played it well.
Low and behold will I never know when to quit.
I'm going in.
I'm throwing down.
I'm coming out.
To start from scratch and just get beat again.

Timing was good to me, the lonely old man who was always lost and sold everything.
And if it's a game then I, I played it well.
Is it my fault, that I never know when to quit?
When to quit?
-Ace Enders-

Unfortunately, miraculous acoustic chords are all that are agreeing with me currently.
Which makes me rethink everything and anything.

I analyze people and things way too much.
I don't know what I want, but the truth is, I do.
I would like to think that I am so confused, that way I don't have to make any decisions. But honestly, I know exactly what I want. And I think that if I try to really go for what I want/need, I will end up the same place I am now.
Empty.

I remember two years. I remember what that undying commitment felt like.
The certainty. Ha.
and
I remember two years, two years broken. I remember what the undying pain felt like.
The betrayal. Ha.

and I refuse to let myself experience things like that again.
I know that I have nothing to that extent in which things would be like that, but even little things scare me.

I feel like a baby. I want, deeply wish for someone to walk me through this.
Help me through. Someone to teach me how to do this again. Because I really have forgotten.

So here I am.
A blank slate.

"Its my life, I might as well live it, along with all the bad times. Just happy to be living. So this is my time, I know its sounds selfish I'm really not like that, we live and we die for this"

Guide me.

I haven't been on here in a while.
I don't know, lately my mind has thrown away it's pacing just temporarily. and my new book is therapeudic for the time being.

but as i have learned and have known forever, running away from and ignoring things just leaves them to be picked up where you dropped them off. but i'm glad at least i dropped them off for our long weekend.

thursday, we celebrated cassi's birthday. went to chipotle, southlake, her house for dinner, out and about, then back to eat some coffee ice cream of which i am craving constantly.

friday, cleaned like a mad man. ran errands. went out for lunch with steven and talked. its good to have someone who i can just talk to. without reservations or worrying if they will judge haha. whatever. it just is relaxing not having to put on a show for someone. picked anna up from the airport then headed home and had a night in because her flight was so delayed.

saturday, went with cameron and preston and anna to mocking bird in dallas. shopped a little, ate a little. then headed back home. went with my parents to the country club to eat dinner. blagh. if the food wasn't yummy, i would complain about going there. guess i have become everything i look down upon ha. then i cant really remember what we did on saturday night ha.

sunday, went to go see a movie. then had dinner at home. rented some more movies and watched them until we fell asleep.

monday, ran errands with mom and then ate lunch out. came back home, youtubed. ha then packed anna's shit together and took her to the airport. then came home and collapsed and fell right to sleep.

i dun know.
ha, that's all this sad mind can muster.

started the hotel internship today. it will be busyyy.

I don't know why I'm currently tearing. I really couldn't give you an explination. Seems things are so fucking stupid. I'm just going to go to a new blog.

I'm reading The Prophet again.
Helps me put things in perspective.

Ah, clarity

i feel as though lately i've been going, i don't know, fast? That's not the right word but whatever.

i realized recently i need to soak up everything.
not take it all and run with it.
let everything settle.

i need people to know the real me.
i feel like people who think that they're close (exception of bestfriends) don't know who i really am. they only see me in one element. not my real life.

i wonder.
can you really appreciate someone fully with only knowing part of them.

no.
so why must i run with things.
i have strong feelings, but i shouldn't act upon them, because how do i know if they're true when i don't know really what the subject matter it is that im acting upon.

stop brain.

It seems like this weekend has been ridiculously long.
It feels like it should be mid week already.

I don't know how I feel about this weekend. Ha, not in a bad way. I just can't decide if half of what happened is good or what.

Needless to say Friday night was beyond great.

Saturday I slept most of it away. Then went over to Cameron's to spend dinner with his family. We had vegitarian lasagna. Mmmmm my new favorite. Our side of our huge table of nine was the best. Me, Cassi and Zach all on one side. zach making a mess out of his dinner, feeding Jed everything, Cassi telling me stories and laughing at me as usual because I can't make it through a meal without screwing something up. Haha. Me spilling food on myself and then trying to pour Zach some iced tea.

Then we all sat around in the family room with all the instruments and it was like "open mic" night haha. But it was really fun and everything sounded beautiful. How could I not expect that. I Have talented friends.

I had to leave then to go see a movie.
Saw Juno for the third time and it was still as good as ever.
Then we sat around went to barnes and noble had some hot chocolate yum. Talked about books and just highschool dayz. Then we decided to get some Gelatooooo! Yum! I love that stuff and we sat around and talked some more.

It was super cold outside last night, so we quickly went back inside barnes and nobnle and looked through the movies before I had to leave.

On my way home I was hurrying a bit and decided to go through a yellow light and right as I did it turned red. Fuck the stupid cameras went off. So I am most likely going to be paying for a fucking ticket from the law now. Ugh, somet

my mom just called sarge died 'gone

Said i'll always be your friend, I took an oath, I'll stick it out till the end.

you can run into my arms, it's okay don't be alarmed.

Come into me, there's no distance in between. So go on and let the rain pour, I'll be all you need and more.

Marie Digbyyyy, you sly devil.

Oh boy I miss so muccch.
Especially Anna, she was supposed to come this weekend, but Grahm's stupid bitchy sister didn't do what her parents asked, so Anna and Grahm (and me) are punished as well for her dumb acts. Thanks alot.

It's so coldddd in my house.

Fingers are shaky as well from way to much caffine. Why do I do that to myself. Because I honestly love it way too much. Like Cassi said, It's the only constant things in my life so I need it.

I want to have a beautiful day again. To clear my intoxications away. To make things right again for one day. Yay, last weekend when Cass and I had our joint celebration picknick it was one of those days. Dizzly beautiful and couldn't be more perfect. The worries slipped away. The worries about my ever slipping hope, bank account, education and peace of mind, all were left at the house for once.
I couldn't have asked for anything more you know.
Ah I can't remember the last beautiful thing I have experienced in so long.
Thankgod I have someone here for me 24-7 who understands that we both need breaks and understands how to make things at least seem better.

<3
Lifeeeeee

Ahhh blagh.
Today is yucky for me. I woke up around 3 in the morning feeling like complete shit.
Finally around seven I got up and puked my guts out. Called my mom, told her I was sick. And she made me an appoitment. Yep have the flu. all I've done is thrown up and slept. I'm grosss.

But I already feel better so I guess that's good. I don't want to be sick when Anna and Grahm get here so that worked out good.

I deteste my mother as a parent.
But I do have to say, she is probably the best role model for a good friend I've ever seen.


She is the ultimate best friend.
She comforts anyone at anytime of day. She'll leave work and dock pay just to go cheer her friends up.

I only wish the be as good of a friend as she is someday.

Is it strange that you can't tell someone you love them even though you have gone through everything since you were born alongside them?
We are so close in age, but yet not close at heart.

Then again it's good to get a call, Now and then just to say hello.
Have I said I hate to see you go?
Well, I hate to see you go.

For so long I've envied you and your beauty. How everyone loves you much more.
How everyone relates to you so much more.
How you stole my friendship with our brother. How you replaced me.

You are truly a gift.
And it's weird not having our friendship we used to. Only meer glances and sneers.

I wish I could say I love you.
How did we end up like this, so different?

Went out to Copper Canyon today to ride.
Ugh, so beautiful! I took Norman and Storm out and it took about an hour to clean the thick cake of mud that they rolled in off. Thanks boys. Then worked out their kinks.

Unfortunately I'm stupid and hopped on Storm for a minute and got him to gallop but he threw his shoe. So that was the end for him. Had to go put him out in the pasture and had to exercise Norman alone. :( Cute brothers.

It was so windy and sunny. Perfect weather, couldn't ask for better. I finally got Norman to stop being such a spooky boy and we went out behind some railroad tracks onto a huge open field and let him have at it. I can't remember the last time he stretched out like that and made strides so fast.
He's such a beautiful animal. I couldn't imagine a more perfect hobby.
I like riding just because I focus so much energy into it that all I am on top of that animal is his partner in an obsticle and we have to work together. I get to let go of anything in my life, worries, inhibitions. They're all gone.
I remember last year things got so bad I would go ride probably four times a week. Didn't even care about school work. I would just drop everything in the freezing weather or the hot summer and take a ride.
It's relaxing. I used to see it almost as a chore.

The horses also remind me of my childhood.
Going out every week to the barn with my mom and riding. I can't believe I used to love horses so much. I didn't even want to leave. Mom would have to pry me from the barn to get me in the car. I even volunteered for little kid's lessons to get their horses ready for free. Just as long as I got time around horses was all that mattered to me.

Things were so good when I was little. My parents were so happy. My dad loved his job. The only way things could go seemed upward. My brother was normal. My sister and I got along. We understood each other. Life was easy. Normal. Normal in the aspects of Normal. Then things changed.
We moved overseas. I grew up there. I still rode in holland. I remember we couldn't bring the horse overseas. So it was a sad parting. But I quickly got involved there. Riding twice a week. It was scary. Some man would always be there instructing me. Yelling because I was too soft.
I remember him cracking in the round pin with me on the horse (a clydesdale) and making him buck to scare me. Which in turn ended up with me being thrown. I never got upset when that happened. But something was different there. I Cried and walked out. I didn't want to go back anymore.
I quit for the first time in my life. A theme that seems to be reoccuring later on in my life.
My brother started drugs.
My dad started hating work.
We finally moved back to the Woodlands.
Dad really hated work, came home so late, bitched, had health problems.
Brother started doing hard drugs, never came home, ran away, got arrested.
Katie grew up, started hating me. Started doing god knows what.
Mom started getting seperated from the family.
I took dance back up, still seperated from horses. Started being embarassed of myself and family.

Two years later:
Brother sent away to Utah and god knows where.
Mom and Dad crying all the time. So absent from the real world. Ashamed of themselves.
Sister completely absent partying.
Just throwing myself into dance and school.

Fast forward to Dallas.
Dad couldn't be happier. He needed that move.
Mom, completle bitched out. Hates dallas and is upset all the time.
Sister, invovled in school to the max.
Brother, actually in school doing something right.
Me, upset about the move. Beginning of drug binge and drinking every single day after I meet a new friend.

Next year:
Dad starting to wind down, he's his own boss. doing what he does.
Mom, even more emotional and hates dallas with a passion, constantly at wits end with her job and me.
Brother, busy with school, few slip ups.
Katie, Smoking pot everyday stressed about college. Considers not even going. gives up.
Me, Picking up habbits like there's no tomorrow. In and out of love. Confused. Giving up on school. Not caring. I start hanging out with my aunt. She takes me riding, I fall back into love. Suddenly nothing else matters except to continue. She gives me the horses. Now I can focus on something healthy and a real routine. life for me starts shaping up. Still missing home though. Major fights with parents about everything.

This past year.
What a whirlwind. Parents conclude they're not paying for my education anymore. I'm on my own once the birthday rolls around. Everyday is full of tears. They honestly couldn't ask for a worse child for a while. I've become the spawn of satan and I don't even know how. I start picking up bad habbits again. Smoking becomes apart of every hour of my life. Lying to my parents becomes so habitual. Going off and spending the night in god knows where. Doing stupid things. Having drunk nights with a companion I don't even want. Leading people on to things I Don't want. Realizing relationships for me are a mistake. Losing sight in love, realizing it doesn't exist. Losing my best friend. Regaining her again. Turning one year older. Seeing my life unfolding infront of me. Meeting new someones, thinking they're right. Only to find myself out and confused a few weeks later.
Mom misses Katie as she's off in college.
Dad's at his whit's end with work.

Now:
Mom still hates Dallas more than ever.
Dad found his new favorite job, concluding that once again he will be relocated. Which leaves me hanging. as always.
Katie and Will, closer than ever having the time of their lives in college.
Me, Fucked and confused as ever. But somewhat and somehow managing to smile every minute of every day. Finding more about myself than I ever imagined.
Finding new things. Starting to take back my thoughts about life and relationships.
Stopped most of my habits. No more smoking, occasional drinking.
Loving my friends more than ever. Can't wait to actually go away for school.
Can't come soon enough. hmmm.

If you actually read this, I salute you.

I needed to look at my life. Doneeeeeee

"I've been asleep for a while now, you tuck me in just like a child now. Cause everytime you hold me in your arms, I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth" thanks life.

Wait, they dont love you like i love you
Maps; wait, they dont love you like i love you.

Catccchyyyyy Yeah Yeah Yeahs, loved it since I was preteened.

Ugh India is calling my name. I have such an urge to go and experience the middle east. Yes I grew up in europe and have traveled all over, but I wish I would have taken more advantage of it, and gone much more places. That whole culture just captures me and whirls me away.

I could stay days looking at pictures in books about it, but that just won't seem to do anymore. I have to go out there and be in the pictures the camera captures for the world to see.

Baaaaahhh! Want it so bad.



Why are you stuck in my head? You must be doing something right.

I think it's hard for me to write that french paper on Le Petit Prince because I have forgotten how to be a child. I have grown up too fast.


Where is my childhood when I need it?
Anyone know how to get it back?

Yum today.

It's sunny outside, reflecting my cheerful mood.
I can hear my t.v. in the background, playing some ridiculous sitcom from the 90's.
Haha, after the array of texts sent to my phone this morning I decdied to lay in my bed awake. My mom came in and asked me if I wanted to go to the doctor with my sister.
I immediately asked why she was going to the doctor, I didn't know anything was wrong.
Hahah, apparently my sister doesn't feel like a woman until she attends the Gynocologist for a "Full Woman" exam. Hahaahahahah.
My mom's like "I don't know why she wants to, she doesn't even have to"

Haha I never want to go to a gynocologist ever. SO disgusting. Worst job ever.

But I am happy sitting at home with my huge bag of starburst, listening to the Kinks and trying to eat something.

Now I have a french paper to write, so I might as well get on that asap.

Body Part update:


Stomach- Not feeling so hot.
Heart- Doing jusssst fine, more than fine.