really too late

I don't know about this mood that I'm in is all about.
Lately things have been so great and I've kept my mind off things. But tonight, it's all sinking back in. So much is sinking back in.

It's all I can do to not burst out into tears. For what reason? I'm not really sure, everything, I guess? I met with Steven on thursday. The usual things happened. He wants to try again. I don't know what that will do to me. I'm not sure if its the right move. Half of me pushes yes, because I love him and I always have some yearning for him. Half of me holds onto the door because I know what will most likely come of it. We'll both get frusterated with a situation and I'll end up upset and put out and things will be called off.

I just want someone to love and take care of me.
I want it so bad. I want someone to want me.

So typical, its not even funny

Hm. I'm really contimplative, but really, what else is new?

I'm looking forward to getting out of town and going to houston this weekend. I Really need my best friend Anna right now. This weeks has been topsy turvey and I just need to fall on her couch and have our friend time. Four hours sucks, but it makes the time we spend ten times better. I know she's been having a rough time too with all her friend problems so I'm happy we're consoling each other.

I walked into the bathroom today, and who would even know that finally getting a red week would make me so cheerful. But it really relieved alot of stress. I ran out and told Brendan how happy I was, but he didn't believe to soley peeing made me happy. So shutup Brendan. I know it doesn't really mean anything but, it gives me some hope.

I'm not really sure what to make of my status right now. I'm so in between like ten different things, my head is a huge mess. Ugh, who knew all those days I sat wondering why I was never attractive or desireable would be wanted back because now that I am, it's quite overwhelming.
Horror, I know. But men are not easy, to say the least.

Nothing to regret. I really don't regret.

Everything was fun about this past weekend.
Mostly everything.

First the day started a nine fuck o clock, because Bridge made nail appointments that early. Geez. Kalyn, Bridge, Danny, and I went to get pedicures. Hah, It was Danny's first time and I couldn't stop laughing, and making fun of him. Oops. Obviously, I hadn't eaten and my killer stomach set in and was desperate for food, so we stopped to get some breakfast afterwards. We made Danny pay for all of it, sweet. I also pulled some gnarley dance moves for a preview of what was coming that night. It was pretty disgusting if I do say so.

I Went home and took a nap around noon. and then I drove over to Bridgette's so she could work on my hair. I was sitting holding a piece of hair and all the sudden I couldn't see or hear and felt like I was going to throw up, so I guzzled some water and everything came back to normal. Strrrraange. I ran to go pick up Danny's boutineer because I forgot about it, and finished getting ready back at my house.

I had to be at Kalyns by 4:30 so I went over there only to find out, I forgot my jewlery and Danny's boutineer. Opps! My mom had to go and bring it to me.Which didnt really matter because of course my date was the last one there! We suffered through pictures, oh yes, and the 95 degree weather. Oh jesus christ. Hot. They all looked pretty gross, but finally, our bus was there!

We got on the party bus, all 26 of us, minus Garrett and Kalyn who drove there. We got to dinner, at Pappas Stakehouse and realized Garrett and Kalyn aren't there. Turns out, they got lost for about an hour. Things got even better when our waitor turned out to be an asshole. He kept making Bridge feel dumb that she didn't have a date. But then he got nice and creepy and started hitting on Bridgette. *notice, this man is about 50. WE finally left dinner and decided to head over to the dance.

The dance was no more than depressing but it's okay, we quickly exited. We got back and changed and then headed off to our hotel. Too many drinks and a dr. Pepper later, I was ready to pee. I headed for our bathroom only to find the door locked. this thoroughly pissed me off, seeing as how I was about to pee in my pants. I pretty much knocked the door down only to find yet again, about five boys doing lines of coke. I went about my peeing business and then told Kalyn and we decided it would be best to leave. Kalyn, Danny, Kody and I decided to go back to Kody's house and hang out.

Of course when we got there, I played with Lilly, I love that dog. Then I insisted that Kalyn take mac photos with me, then we got Adam and Kody in on it, and added lilly as well. Kalyn passed out right after that, but I was still strung up so we decided to go swimming. Or more so, I decided we would go swimming. The pool was locked :( But I did learn how to drive Kody's car. Not really, but at least I tried.
We fell asleep around 5:30 finally. But my phone rang around 6 so I decided to just head home.

Needless to say I needed a day to sleep off the night before, and I woke up finally and then just went to the lake and relaxed there. It was a good day. I'm still exahusted and I think I won't be able to catch up on sleep. And let's just say driving to hotel and back today was not fun at alllll.

I'm a real girl!

I guess it's part of every girl's life.
The phantasmagoric vibes from getting to dress up a little.

Highschool prom, so typical.
Yet so thrilling

what what?!

I have decided to end this pessimistic week. It's done and over. I am beginning something new in my life, I'm not quite sure exactly what it is, but it shall be great.

I woke up this morning to my mom calling my phone to ironcily ask if I was up yet(I told her yes, but im guessing the confused drowsy voice gave me away). Turns out, I mean I only woke an hour late hah. Guess I wasn't going to make it to the hotel on time. Not to mention the downpour made getting up even harder.
Instead of letting me go and get ready for work, my mother decides to give me, in depth, a description of the airport and the kind of hardships she has experienced trying to get on her plane this morning. She is flying to Lubbock to help my sister pack and drive home with her and Emily to come stay at home for the summer. *oops, I'm supposed to be cooking for them now.

Lets just say I did a fantastic job making myself look presentable for work and school today. Haha, yeah, in about fifteen minutes. I rushed and grabbed my obnoxious bright umbreller(using new york speak) and ran out the door. ONLY TO FIND my car not in the driveway?! Honestly, how could someone steal that beast of a truck, it just couldn't happen. But in my paranoid mind, hahah, I conclude that's what has happened and call my mom who then tells me, she had the notion to put it in the garage. I really have no idea how that happened, because the truck is about three times the size of the slot for one car? My parents are magicians. I Guess.

And of course, I figured out my dad drove my truck, because i couldnt reach the pedals. Ha. I immediately get stuck in a surreal amount of traffic all along 3040-Flower Mound Road. Ughhh. I sat through about five lights(at the same light mind you) by the time I passed over 2499. I saw walgreens on my right and suddenly just had a craving for The Strawberry Twizzlers, the ones you can peel you know? So I made a quick right and sped to the door.

By the time I get back in the car it's about 8:55. Well, 9:06 is when I'm late and I'm about a good ten-fiteen minutes away. Hah. Needless to say I hauled ass, and right as I am about to turn onto the Valley Drive, I hear a funny noise. I Conclude:THE TIRE. Whether it's flat, or off, or just retarded, I don't know yet. It's pouring rain and I'm going to be late. I speed into the parking lot and see Brittney and I jump out and we decide(since we're completely car experts) that maybe it's deflating. Who knows?

At the Hotel, I had to call about a package that we never recieved but ordered almost a month ago. The lady on the other line was just way too into her job. I put her on speaker so Brittney and I could laugh at her. So kill me if I laughed at her expense.

*right at this very moment triple a is calling and leaving a message on our phone, and the guy has the worst lisp I've ever heard. It's one of those recordings. Now comeon, I know that company has enough money to hire someone to record who doesn't have a crucial speech impairment.

I get to school, and instead of making sure I'm prepared for our huge exam on friday, Brendan and I continuously slack off. it's really great. We have correctly found out how many rows and columns are in connect four the game, so we draw a board on our papers and play.



We're pathetic really.
I really need to study alot, but I have no ethic. And I need to somewhat make some part of dinner for the family, since no ones home, but that won't happen.

I'm an accomplished person.

-Julie

mnbyyyfhdd

I couldn't really think of a good title. Woo, lack of skill today.

My arms are really sore. The kind of feeling after you work out for a couple of hours, but I didn't work out, nor do I ever. So that's a little odd.

I don't really know if Steven and I are broken up, I'm going to go with yes, but who really knows. Great position to be in, I know. I'm really not going to asorb myself with the overwhelming-ness(word?) on that now.

Right now, I have so much studying to do. With advanced exams coming on friday, and having a huge review packet due, and everything else, I'm just going to be too preoccupied to care. And frankly, that's okay with me.

I guess this is weird for me, I've never been the emotional type in any of my relationships. I've always been really laid back, I never get too attached, and I find the positive when things don't work out.

But driving home last saturday morning I really surprised myself when I got in the car muttering about how angry at myself I was and I actually cried. Not the gross, sniffly kind. The kind where about fifty tears come out all at once, quick, easy, and painless. The ones that don't even make a mess with makeup or make your eyes red. I don't know why I was crying, maybe because I felt used.
I actually used the 'indulge' girl method when you're upset. But I didn't buy chocolate, just Jamba Juice haha.

Then on the way home from the movie on Sunday by myself, it happened again! What is this?! Why am I actually being affected? I think maybe I have just kept a lot of things bottled up inside for tooooo long.

Or maybe, for once, I really care about something, and want what's best for me. Instead of putting someone else first.

Is this too selfish?

I guess today was just meant to be speant in the lonesome. I finished the defensive driving. Thankfully passed, I mean, I slept through a good two-three sections of it. I put off shopping for jewlery with my mother, thank god, she has been especially overbearing lately and I can't take any more of it. I wanted to go see a movie, or buy new sunglasses, see someone. But everyone was either busy, or just didn't care enough to contact me back.

I ended up going to see a movie by myself. Refreshing I guess. Hot tears of course streamed down my face for most of the movie. Romanitcism gets me. But they didn't really stop once I left the theatre, nor on the drive home. I've been an emotional wreck since yesterday, and I don't know what to make of it.

The only thing worse than not having it, is having it half.
Cant. I just can't.

insomnia at its finest

I didn't fall asleep at all last night until around 5:30 a.m.
Which I ended up crashing and passing out during three hours of hospitality.

I don't have my phone, which turns out to be a royal pain in my ass..
I haven't had it since ten o'clock this morning. Fuck it.

I'm happy I went to Kalyn's for dinner with Danny and Garrett. The food was so good. So was dessert and it made babysitting easier because I came to work in a good mood.

It seems like May tenth is getting closer and closer and I'm becoming more and more giddy. I really can't contain my happiness. Things have just been going my way lately, and I hope it momentarily stays like this. I could use a nice streak of good events, but we'll see...

Interesting night to say the least...eh.....