Well, I have made my blog private. It seems as if this blog is the only thing that conveys privacy in my life anymore.
At least I thought it did just being a blog in the first place. That was foolish of me to think it wouldn't end badly. My sister reads my blog, which really isn't that big of a deal. I'm not bothered by it, but because of her, things have gone hay-wire.
She obviously mis-read something and said something to my mother, who in turn just 'HAD TO READ' what it was. She did and I told her straight forwardly what I meant by it. She understood but she was still standoff-ish about the subject. I thought it was over with.
My mom decided to clean old files off our main computer at home and there have been things saved to Microsoft Word for many years. I guess she felt the need to go though all of MY documents and read every one. When I write something, usually it holds the purpose of fiction. But fiction based on real events. I'll take something in my life and twist it and change things and change the characters so it hardly resembles my life anymore, unless you have witnessed these occasions, then infact can you see the resemblance.
As I was sitting at dinner, I got the feeling something was itchy and wrong. We began our favorite dinner time topic "College". Seems that it's the ONLY thing we can talk about and not even civily, might I add. My mom asked if I had considered creative writing as a major and I told her simply, "I don't think I would consider that something I want to do for the rest of my life." Simple enough right?
I thought the subject to be over with.
My father got up to go to the garage for something to drink and my mom made the rude comment of, "well, I experienced some more of your creative writing last night. I cleared off old files and read everything you've written. Nice lies. You try to mask them with other names. Stop stretching things. You're giving people false pretenses about our life. If people knew these things. If Myspace or the Internet got ahold of these things about our family.. blah blah"
Wow, do I not even have privacy to write something down for recreation.
Nothing I've ever written in my spare time has been meant to harm anyone. And honestly, nothing has ever been posted outside of Microsoft Word. I have never let anyone actually get 'ahold' of these things and I have no intention of them ever being in someone's hands besides my own.
So now I am a liar for simply expressing myself.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
108.
I deteste(after taking french, I'm not really sure how to spell this in english?) watching movies after I read literature. It just seems so pointless. They never measure up and are moderately right so I just tune them out.
I read my book for a while today when we decided to watch our play that we had been reading.
That lasted all of ten minutes, I couldn't see in the dark room.
So I took out some notebook paper, deciding to scribble and draw, but in turn made a list of my "Current Favorites"
Here ya go blogger.
Yeah under presidents: Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, and JFK.
And who I'm voting for: Because he's the least sucky one.
Ask me about that one. I'd love to fill you in. I just chose that simple answer because it really sums it up generally.
I read my book for a while today when we decided to watch our play that we had been reading.
That lasted all of ten minutes, I couldn't see in the dark room.
So I took out some notebook paper, deciding to scribble and draw, but in turn made a list of my "Current Favorites"
Here ya go blogger.
Yeah under presidents: Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, and JFK.
And who I'm voting for: Because he's the least sucky one.
Ask me about that one. I'd love to fill you in. I just chose that simple answer because it really sums it up generally.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Session 09.
-"So that was it. I was on my own, just me and my girl. I had a little money left in my savings from all the checks my parents sent when I was young. My grandparents never used them, they just put them in saving account for me. And I never touched it. I guess because I always had a feeling that something like this would happen someday. Oh well. We were happy and maybe a little scared. We were kids out just out of high school. We just really didn't know what to do. I got a job at a coffee shop. Emily got a job at a pet shop. I mean, we weren't making a lot of money, but we were surviving."
Session 08 Part II
-"But for some reason, the closer I got with her, the harder my father would try to get me to stop seeing her. It was like he didn't want me to be happy for something. Not like he would ever do that, right? He would tell me I was wasting my time with her, I should concentrate on where I'm going to college. You know, I didn't want to go to college. So when graduation came around, I saw a completely different side of him. The side I always knew was there. He would say that I was going to throw away my life and I was going to make a terrible mistake. I guess something he was familiar with. He would tell me I was going to be a loser and people wouldn't respect me. That was also the day he told me about the mistake he made: me. I guess that was supposed to scare me straight. Oh well."
Session 08.
-"Well, the next few years were probably the slowest, most uncomfortable years of my life. I mean, they tried to make it easy, but they gave up pretty quickly. I'm not going to lie, I didn't make it easy on them either. I could just never forgive them. No. But I'm the kind of person who believes everything happens for a reason. And you know, I'm kind of glad I was miserable counting down the days till I was eighteen. You know, so I could leave. Caus ethe way it worked for me. There was this one day I was in the right place at the right time. Now I'm not the type of person to just go get what I want. I usually wait for it to casually come to me. Something hit me that day like a ton of bricks. I know it sounds cheesy, but I fell in love. And that's what kept me there for the next few years. I would've run away if it wasn't for her...
So I chased after her, running down the hallways. Running up to her and grabbed her arm. Actually just stood there frozen, didn't know what to say to her. I think she kinda felt the same thing so it worked out. I felt like I had a reason to finally be happy, you know. She would be the first person in my life who was completely honest with me. I had a reason to trust. When I was with her it just felt like my problems with my parents didn't seem to big anymore. Oh well, I just didn't care about them."
So I chased after her, running down the hallways. Running up to her and grabbed her arm. Actually just stood there frozen, didn't know what to say to her. I think she kinda felt the same thing so it worked out. I felt like I had a reason to finally be happy, you know. She would be the first person in my life who was completely honest with me. I had a reason to trust. When I was with her it just felt like my problems with my parents didn't seem to big anymore. Oh well, I just didn't care about them."
Session 07.
-"After I learned about my parents, they asked me to live with them and I didn't want to but I really had no choice. So I finished out the school year where I was, I lived with my grandfather and uh, I moved in with them. And you know what? It was great. I was happy, I was happy and they knew it. I clapped my hands. Yep, and if it was only like that. Oh well, what can you do? It was hard then and i already was really bad with people skills and uh, I had to start all over pretty much. Anything that I felt secure with was gone. But you know what? It was probably the only time in my life that i was alctually excited to go to school. Not to learn or get made fun of but to get out of the house and to get away from them. Mmm, you know, now that I think about it, school wasn't any easier..."
Session 06.
-"SO wow, that's a pretty hard way to find something like that out."
-"Yeah, I know. See, the best part is when they were telling me, I guess my reaction wasn't the most positive, so they tried to play this guilt trip like, 'You don't know what it was like blah blah blah blah blah'."
-"Yeah, I know. See, the best part is when they were telling me, I guess my reaction wasn't the most positive, so they tried to play this guilt trip like, 'You don't know what it was like blah blah blah blah blah'."
Session 05.
-"So what was it like, growing up for Dean?"
-"Well, he kept to himself most of the time. He watched a lot of TV. And uh, yeah he wasn't like.."
-"Wait I got it. He didn't have many friends. His mom and dad/grandma and grandpa always were just a little bit too tired to want to play. So when was around kids, he would just sit in the corner and occupy himself, because that's all he knew how to do. And I mean, how would he know any different?"
-"Wow, that's uh, pretty good."
-"Yeah I can relate."
-"Well, sadly a while after his twelfth birthday, his grandma suddenly got sick."
-"And that's how?"
-".. and that's how."
-"Well, he kept to himself most of the time. He watched a lot of TV. And uh, yeah he wasn't like.."
-"Wait I got it. He didn't have many friends. His mom and dad/grandma and grandpa always were just a little bit too tired to want to play. So when was around kids, he would just sit in the corner and occupy himself, because that's all he knew how to do. And I mean, how would he know any different?"
-"Wow, that's uh, pretty good."
-"Yeah I can relate."
-"Well, sadly a while after his twelfth birthday, his grandma suddenly got sick."
-"And that's how?"
-".. and that's how."
Session 04.
-"See the deal was that her parents would take care of the kind until they got their feet on the ground. Cause they both had full-time jobs and weren't financially stable yet. So they say, but her mom would always ask, 'when are you doing to pick up Dean' : the baby. and they'd say they didn't have time, or you know, they weren't ready yet. You know, time passed quick and he wasn't a baby anymore. None of them really had the heart to tell him that his parents were too busy for him. Didn't have time for him. So, he never knew that his aunt and uncle were actually his mom and dad."
-"So they never picked him up?"
-"No, but they did however, send checks every week to pay for all his expenses."
-"Well that's good, but I thought they couldn't afford it, that's why they couldn't pick him up right?"
-"Yeah."
-"So they never picked him up?"
-"No, but they did however, send checks every week to pay for all his expenses."
-"Well that's good, but I thought they couldn't afford it, that's why they couldn't pick him up right?"
-"Yeah."
Session 03.
-"So what you're saying is he grew up his whole life being totured practicall? And as soon as he gets a taste of what normal life is like, something huge happens. Like an unexpected baby. He gets scared, thinks he can't do it, panicks. And still being a kid himself, he does what any kid should do: asks his parents for help. That seems pretty normal to me."
-"No, you don't understand. see they didn't just leave him there for a weekend while they got the house straightened up for him, they left him for weeks. For months. Left him for years."
-"No, you don't understand. see they didn't just leave him there for a weekend while they got the house straightened up for him, they left him for weeks. For months. Left him for years."
Session 02.
-"Sounds like he made out pretty good."
-"Yeah I guess, he started a life, went to school, had a job, got married. He was even going ot be a lwayer. Everything seemed great, but the only problem was he went from wanting nothing to wanting everything. More than he'd know what to do with. You see, sometimes when you get that taste of wanting things, you only want for yourself. And if you ask me, that's where it gets dangerous."
-"Yeah I guess, he started a life, went to school, had a job, got married. He was even going ot be a lwayer. Everything seemed great, but the only problem was he went from wanting nothing to wanting everything. More than he'd know what to do with. You see, sometimes when you get that taste of wanting things, you only want for yourself. And if you ask me, that's where it gets dangerous."
Session 01.
-"Wow, so he just left?"
-"You see, there comes a time in everyone's life where they just start seeing things differently. Or ya know, they're put in a situation where, they have to. I guess. It was just his night."
-"If you don't mind, what's his name?"
-"His name is Matt and I think his father's name is Matt too but I don't know."
-"Okay, so uhm, what happened next? Where'd he go from there?"
-"Well, he lived in his girlfriend's dormroom for a little while but he couldn't stay there long. and uh I think her father actually felt bad for him so he offered him a job as a file clerk at his lawfirm. You know nothing special, just sorting papers. And her dad, made him a deal he said, 'If you take this job seriously and you start going to school and you're serious about my daughter, I'll help you guys out with an apartment. So he took it. I mean maybe Matt didn't really want that. Maybe he didn't really want to go to school or work at a place like that but, he also wante to prove to his father that he was better off without him. That he wasn't a waste. An uh, he also knew that making that deal with her dad would make his dad so much more mad because uh, he hated her father. He always said how lazy he was, and how he stole people's money and how he didn't have a real job he doesn't know what it's like to work. But I guess that's the motivation he needed to straighten out his life. But I don't really think they ever talked again anyways, so I don't think it really mattered."
-"You see, there comes a time in everyone's life where they just start seeing things differently. Or ya know, they're put in a situation where, they have to. I guess. It was just his night."
-"If you don't mind, what's his name?"
-"His name is Matt and I think his father's name is Matt too but I don't know."
-"Okay, so uhm, what happened next? Where'd he go from there?"
-"Well, he lived in his girlfriend's dormroom for a little while but he couldn't stay there long. and uh I think her father actually felt bad for him so he offered him a job as a file clerk at his lawfirm. You know nothing special, just sorting papers. And her dad, made him a deal he said, 'If you take this job seriously and you start going to school and you're serious about my daughter, I'll help you guys out with an apartment. So he took it. I mean maybe Matt didn't really want that. Maybe he didn't really want to go to school or work at a place like that but, he also wante to prove to his father that he was better off without him. That he wasn't a waste. An uh, he also knew that making that deal with her dad would make his dad so much more mad because uh, he hated her father. He always said how lazy he was, and how he stole people's money and how he didn't have a real job he doesn't know what it's like to work. But I guess that's the motivation he needed to straighten out his life. But I don't really think they ever talked again anyways, so I don't think it really mattered."
Sunday, February 24, 2008
97. Not going
To lose my state right now, not yet. I hear my parents constantly talking about my dad's job. The whole New Orleans deal was a bust, thank god. But the straight fact has come: The oil business in America is dying, slowly, but nevertheless, dying, drying up.
So the terms have come. My dad is not going to move up in his job anymore. It just can't happen in Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, anywhere. He won't get paid more anywhere. Anywhere really, except overseas. Namely, Africa.
Which comes to this. He's had two interviews already about rotating in Africa: 28 days in Africa- 28 days in America. This coming Saturday an actual head guy is coming to Dallas to talk things out with my Dad. Wow, it's actaully in the process. The thing is my dad is really serious about it. He really wants to go to South Africa.
My mom couldn't think of anything worse. She refuses to leave America, again. Holland was one thing. All of us(Will, Katie, and I) were little and had to go with him. It was feasable. Now we're all grown up and in College and whatnot. Spread across Texas. I understand she doesn't want to leave because if something happens with one of us here, what can she/my dad do? Nothing. They're around the globe.
I couldn't really think of anything worse than my dad leaving. Leaving my mom and I alone! My dad pretty much keeps us sane. We would tear each other apart. She refuses to stay here in Dallas if he rotates. She won't live here. She hates it more than I do. She wants to be close to family and friends: in The Woodlands. I couldn't really be more happy at the fact that if we moved anywhere, I would get to move back to my hometown, where half of my closest friends live. But then again, I don't really know if I could move.
As much as I hate to come to terms with it, my life is really here in Flower Mound. I have been planted here and proceeded to make my life here. It would be hard to rip my roots out and pick up and move.
I know that I plan to move away in a year anyways to college, but for that extra year, what would happen?
I know that seriously, none of this is final. It's just thoughts. That's why I'm not upset about it or anything. The time to worry will be if my dad comes up with anything after he talks to this expact guy.
Just when things start to make sense, and I'm content with everything, a thought like this pops up. I don't know really if I should believe it or rather want to believe it because a lot of these things come up from time to time. But if Dad called my grandmother tonight just to tell her this and nothing else, should I be worried?
So the terms have come. My dad is not going to move up in his job anymore. It just can't happen in Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, anywhere. He won't get paid more anywhere. Anywhere really, except overseas. Namely, Africa.
Which comes to this. He's had two interviews already about rotating in Africa: 28 days in Africa- 28 days in America. This coming Saturday an actual head guy is coming to Dallas to talk things out with my Dad. Wow, it's actaully in the process. The thing is my dad is really serious about it. He really wants to go to South Africa.
My mom couldn't think of anything worse. She refuses to leave America, again. Holland was one thing. All of us(Will, Katie, and I) were little and had to go with him. It was feasable. Now we're all grown up and in College and whatnot. Spread across Texas. I understand she doesn't want to leave because if something happens with one of us here, what can she/my dad do? Nothing. They're around the globe.
I couldn't really think of anything worse than my dad leaving. Leaving my mom and I alone! My dad pretty much keeps us sane. We would tear each other apart. She refuses to stay here in Dallas if he rotates. She won't live here. She hates it more than I do. She wants to be close to family and friends: in The Woodlands. I couldn't really be more happy at the fact that if we moved anywhere, I would get to move back to my hometown, where half of my closest friends live. But then again, I don't really know if I could move.
As much as I hate to come to terms with it, my life is really here in Flower Mound. I have been planted here and proceeded to make my life here. It would be hard to rip my roots out and pick up and move.
I know that I plan to move away in a year anyways to college, but for that extra year, what would happen?
I know that seriously, none of this is final. It's just thoughts. That's why I'm not upset about it or anything. The time to worry will be if my dad comes up with anything after he talks to this expact guy.
Just when things start to make sense, and I'm content with everything, a thought like this pops up. I don't know really if I should believe it or rather want to believe it because a lot of these things come up from time to time. But if Dad called my grandmother tonight just to tell her this and nothing else, should I be worried?
96.
Today was hospitality bowling wooo. Or more like Me, Drew and Michael bowling.
Drew brought the little boy he babysits everyday and we had to wait fourty-five minutes before we could actually bowl. Well that little boy, Michael, is extremely hyper. They played some arcade games and then we got Michael some food.
Then our little buzzer went off for our turn to bowl so I sat with Michael while he ate and Drew went to get our shoes. Yeah, I got him some ranch. Ew, he just licked it out of the cup. The child just straight up ate ranch dressing. Blegh Puke.
We bowled, and as everyone already knows, I suck horrendously at bowling, so needless to say Everyone beat me. Yes even Michael who is five years old. Sigh, I suck. It was fun anyways. Drew and Michael are so mean to each other, and Michael ate it a couple of times so we couldn't help but laugh.
I think I had about ten gutter balls, if not more.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way home. You're welcome for my contribution to coporate america. It was very delicious(a little too delicious?) and since I have been on the verge of broke for the past couple of weeks, it was way overdue for my shots of caffine. Ahhh, the addiction seems to be back as now I am craving another Grande.
Now I am procrastinating horribly, watching mediocre pre-teen sitcoms and trying to not doze off.
Here's to the begining of another suck-tastic week.
Like my vocabulary. Nice.
Drew brought the little boy he babysits everyday and we had to wait fourty-five minutes before we could actually bowl. Well that little boy, Michael, is extremely hyper. They played some arcade games and then we got Michael some food.
Then our little buzzer went off for our turn to bowl so I sat with Michael while he ate and Drew went to get our shoes. Yeah, I got him some ranch. Ew, he just licked it out of the cup. The child just straight up ate ranch dressing. Blegh Puke.
We bowled, and as everyone already knows, I suck horrendously at bowling, so needless to say Everyone beat me. Yes even Michael who is five years old. Sigh, I suck. It was fun anyways. Drew and Michael are so mean to each other, and Michael ate it a couple of times so we couldn't help but laugh.
I think I had about ten gutter balls, if not more.
I stopped at Starbucks on the way home. You're welcome for my contribution to coporate america. It was very delicious(a little too delicious?) and since I have been on the verge of broke for the past couple of weeks, it was way overdue for my shots of caffine. Ahhh, the addiction seems to be back as now I am craving another Grande.
Now I am procrastinating horribly, watching mediocre pre-teen sitcoms and trying to not doze off.
Here's to the begining of another suck-tastic week.
Like my vocabulary. Nice.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
95.
Oh by the way, here's some ralllly awesome(not) pictures from the ATPI Photography competition and convention. Wooh.
Actually these are just the ones that we wasted a class period just talking to Vaughn and Justin from Tx A&M Commerce.
Love them!
Actually these are just the ones that we wasted a class period just talking to Vaughn and Justin from Tx A&M Commerce.
Love them!
94.
If I wouldn't have passed out today on my bed I probably couldn't even think about being awake right now.
I took another shower and pretty much just collapsed on my bed and fell asleep instantly.
I really had no idea how sleepy I was. This blog is kind of pointless. Yeah it's really pointless, it's just rambling about absolutely nothing.
My mom is trying to convince me to go to 'Spring Show' and invite people over before I go and eat dinner and dessert. Uhm, I really don't want to go in the first place so much. And the fact on who she's trying to persuade me to ask is just grossing me out. So I'll probably end up going on Saturday night and just drag Steven, Hahah he doesn't know yet. Sucks to be him.
Steven is brilliant and made me cut my lip today. He was trying to wash his hair with a metal cup(does that just set the stage for genuis?) and completely missed and in the path to his head smacked me in the face really hard and my teeth went into my lip. Haha, dork. Now it's just puffy and annoying. At least it stopped bleeding after like a minute. Yum, iron in my mouth.
I took another shower and pretty much just collapsed on my bed and fell asleep instantly.
I really had no idea how sleepy I was. This blog is kind of pointless. Yeah it's really pointless, it's just rambling about absolutely nothing.
My mom is trying to convince me to go to 'Spring Show' and invite people over before I go and eat dinner and dessert. Uhm, I really don't want to go in the first place so much. And the fact on who she's trying to persuade me to ask is just grossing me out. So I'll probably end up going on Saturday night and just drag Steven, Hahah he doesn't know yet. Sucks to be him.
Steven is brilliant and made me cut my lip today. He was trying to wash his hair with a metal cup(does that just set the stage for genuis?) and completely missed and in the path to his head smacked me in the face really hard and my teeth went into my lip. Haha, dork. Now it's just puffy and annoying. At least it stopped bleeding after like a minute. Yum, iron in my mouth.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Why am I so dormant looking now? I don't even wear makeup. It's weird, I don't really give a shit about it anymore.
Decisions, decisions... I have the opportunity to go to Brown in Rhode Island for Ivy League college classes for college credits. Not everyone gets accepted so I would have to fill out an application but I have a good chance of being accepted.
It's a seven week program and the classes are really cool. But seven weeks? Seven weeks away! Seven weeks away ugh. It's a wonderful yet horrifying thought.
Going to Rhode Island, so far away for such a long time, and knowing no one?
I need to make up my mind soon though. Thoughts thoughts thoughts.
Monday, February 18, 2008
92.
lets catch a movie, something to make us love again.
The playlist is playing again and again. Mostly because I just really like all the bands and all the songs already on the C.D. But the fact that I feel emotionally attached to it at the same time makes me want to throw it on. I think the night I put it on for the first time, I felt something I haven't in a really long time.
Something in my heart. Wow, who knew I had one, or that it could be revived?
Cd:
1. Steven
2. You Have My Attention- Copeland
3. Anybody Else but You- The Moldy Peaches
4. Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene
5. Penelope- Pinback
6. Okay, I believe You but My Tommy Gun Don't- Brand New
7. Hooray!- Minus the Bear
8. Cinder and Smoke- Iron and Wine
9. Hoodwink- Anathallo
10. All I Want is You- Barry Louis Polisar
11. Secret Heart- Feist
12. Girl Inform Me- The Shins
13. Intuition- Feist
14. In Fear and Faith- Circa Survive, Mmm Anthony Green
15. Am I Wrong?- Brand New
16. Summertime- Mae
17. Not All Bad -Terminal
18. Everything Reminds Me of Her- Elliott Smith
19. Do You Realize- The Flaming Lips
20. The Sound of Settling- Death Cab for Cutie
Ugh, such a good cd sometimes.
When it switches from the first track of Steven talking to You Have My Attention by Copeland, when it hits the line "Since that first day when you made my heart smile" I get choked up because I feel so at home and at peace. And I get all of that with this C.D. It just makes me feel so happy and care-free. It allows me to escape from life and be content in the moment with what I have.
It just makes sense.
The playlist is playing again and again. Mostly because I just really like all the bands and all the songs already on the C.D. But the fact that I feel emotionally attached to it at the same time makes me want to throw it on. I think the night I put it on for the first time, I felt something I haven't in a really long time.
Something in my heart. Wow, who knew I had one, or that it could be revived?
Cd:
1. Steven
2. You Have My Attention- Copeland
3. Anybody Else but You- The Moldy Peaches
4. Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene
5. Penelope- Pinback
6. Okay, I believe You but My Tommy Gun Don't- Brand New
7. Hooray!- Minus the Bear
8. Cinder and Smoke- Iron and Wine
9. Hoodwink- Anathallo
10. All I Want is You- Barry Louis Polisar
11. Secret Heart- Feist
12. Girl Inform Me- The Shins
13. Intuition- Feist
14. In Fear and Faith- Circa Survive, Mmm Anthony Green
15. Am I Wrong?- Brand New
16. Summertime- Mae
17. Not All Bad -Terminal
18. Everything Reminds Me of Her- Elliott Smith
19. Do You Realize- The Flaming Lips
20. The Sound of Settling- Death Cab for Cutie
Ugh, such a good cd sometimes.
When it switches from the first track of Steven talking to You Have My Attention by Copeland, when it hits the line "Since that first day when you made my heart smile" I get choked up because I feel so at home and at peace. And I get all of that with this C.D. It just makes me feel so happy and care-free. It allows me to escape from life and be content in the moment with what I have.
It just makes sense.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Cramped
Hands, just some short work I just conjured up on some 8 pages of paper sitting in my room. I guess I figure I will type it up for you to read? Pointless, very much so.
*This all started when a teacher handed me a New Yorker advertisement and instructed me to write a lead(two-three begining sentences) on it.
"There! That's it. Stay still, you got it." He stopped dead in his tracks while he listened to the shutter snap closed and then open again. She would make me stop and pose in the most uncomfortable position he thought to himself as his arm quivered under his weight. Even since they had broken up she was finidng ways to make him miserable. Like carrying through with this photoshoot they booked while they were still in love.
His
He had seen her three, maybe four times since the heartbreaking event. On coincidence of course. Never intentional. Social gatherings mostly. I mean, when you have all the same friends and live in a ten mile radius of each other, you're bound to run into each other eventually.
Sure, initially he tried hiding, but why should he seclude and punish himself for the sake of her?: the girl who ripped him to shreads, the girl who left his life, the girl who took his heart, records, and foreign teas when she deserted him, the girl who he loved, the girl he could never forget, the girl who make him clench his heart for fear the heartbreak might actually cause him a trip to the hospital.
no, she wasn't worth it.
He never went to places he knew she would be:
The coffee house, the silent partk and his favorite clothing store (her place of employment).
But finally he did succumb to getting out of his cramped, wrecked, one bedroom apartment. If you could call it that. More so just a vicinity. She loved it, thought it was cosy and gave a reason to be close to each other. a reason to make love since he couldn't afford urban entertainment.
When he did run into her at first, he didn't know how to act. 'should I embrace her, agknowledge her, or maybe, do I ignore her?' He finally settled on acting like they were casual friends and as though nothing had ever happened.
He quickly learned she didn't really care whether he was there or not and she didn't seem phased on how to act. So he took her lead and acted the same. It hurt, it hurt not being wanted by her.
Anywys, as I have stated he had only seen her a few times but yet she has been cruel to him. torturting him in more ways then one:
-she would email him her short stories he used to critique for her and she would always sign the email "Thanks, love, Emily." That wretched 'love' word.
-she would walk to class(the way he took) in either
A)old sweaters of his that she never returned
B)provacative dresses, skirts, anything that when he laid his eyes upod her attire he heard himself gasp.
-she walked and smoked camel reds infront of the bar he worked at on her breaks.
She was so beautiful, so cruel.
And now this photo shoot?
She was an aspriring photography student who had to classify her final prject under a category of intangible items. I picked love, darling. and I love you. Be my subject?! It was a romantic gesture. He had always hoped she would take his picture but he was always reluctant to ask.
She had turned in her agenda of the project months in advance. The itenerary was as follows:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Emily Lark: Subject
-Scenes de apres, dans, et devant le "art of lovemaking"
How more perfect could it be? Every man's frivolous fantasty of documenting making love to the gorgeous girl he couldn't manage to live without. Needless to say the intenerary was changed after the seperation.
Now it was sribbled and read something like this:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Somehow manage to find essecne of love in a lonely, hopeless man.
Do I even need to render depressing?
He awoke on the morning of the shoot and rubbed his beard, or lack thereof. He had been growing it out, hoping for a face full of hair by mid spring. But she had sent a text message the night before wanting him to shave his beard before he showed or she would take matters into her own hands. He loved how persistent she was. So firm and striking.
He contemplated leaving it just so he could have deja vu of their times spent together where she would take care of him and do those things for him. He quickly shut the thought out knowing how desperate he would look and feel.
He shaved.
pulled on courdoroys. a dark brown.
pulled on a flannel button up.
flopped a sweater vest over.
bundled up in a pea coat(the one she bought), scarf(the one she loved), and his beenie(oh yeah, the one she knitt).
Sprayed some cologne. He hasn't worn it since the day she packed.
He left his room and braved the frigid ferbruary air. It whipped against his barely clean shaven face. He walked into the studio with beat cheeks and a rouged nose.
He looked around for her but there weren't many places for her to hide so he decided to sit out on the window ledge to wait and light a bowl. A habit she hated and he picked back up when she moved out.
But the time she arrived fifteen minutes later, he was so lost in tears and vivid memories he merely heard her calling his name, openeing the window. But when she jumped on his back to startle him and give him a quick hug, he jolted his hands cutting the air in way to his cheeks and huge glassy eyes to brush the fallen tears aside.
He couldn't show her he was suffering.
She immediately instructed him in between her greetings and compliments on his shave to lay on the old spring matress and to remove his coat and hat.
He posed
He posed for her.
"I need you to move closer here" she insisted.
"I need you so much closer" he murmured.
She stopped and stared.
"Benjamin, come on"
"You come on" he shot back, not sure what he was really meaning or what the intent was behind his words.
She stopoped dead, stared into his green eyes, searching for his heart, his soul, his intent.
Hers
Why is he saying this, What is he doing?
The day she thought would never come had booked itself and she couldn't redeem her ticket. She had to end their relationship. She had to leave. things had gone sour. She begged herself not to but she knew there were too many things pushhing her out the door, too many reasons packing her bags.
She tried to keep on with normal daily life, work, school, friends, parties and so on. but pulling herself out of bed every morning knowing that the train she would take to the campus would take her past his building made her wish she could curl up all day. The thought of having to be reminded of what she lost and couldn't have made her want to throw up. It was all too much. It kept her up at night. Tears streaming and soaking her pillow. In time she came to expect her pillow to be marked with last night's smeared make up when she awoke each morning.
Her friends had finally convinced her to live the social, single life again. She knew he would be at certain get-togethers and she prepared herself every night when it was something she would come into contact with him. How do I say hello? do I kiss him on the cheek, do i ignore him, do i act like nothing happened? When she got the destination to see him and she walked into the room he didn't turn his head to look. He didn't turn to glance when she laught at a joke.
The laugh he claimed to be addicted to
She took his lead of not really being bothered of him being in the room. He didn't seem to be flustered so why should she?
It hurt, it hurt not being noticed by him.
Her fate of no recognition beat her up insde badly. She wanted him to notice her in the slightest bit. A smile, a wave, a nod, a hello. Anything! Anything! She wanted him to let her know he felt like she did. She would never admit but she wanted to know if he still loved her like she did him. She wanted to know if he missed her like she did.
So she began to make herself noticeable:
-She sent him emails of her short stories she loved to write hoping he would see the hidden messages behind them. He had to have. He was intelligent.
-She would cross his path to class(never forgetting his schedule) wearing his ragged sweaters that still smelled like him. Maybe it would strike conversation. She wore dresses that she knew he loved and drove him up the wall.
nothing. She even dared to spend her breaks promenading down the street smoking their cigarettes and passing by his job. Nope.
Her last hope was telling him the photo project was still on. It dind't matter, she couldn't change it now anyway. It was too late and it had been set in stone long ago with her professor. He was expecting a brillaint portrayal of love.
She remembered the original itenerary like the back of her hand. but she had to change it. she couldn't even think about being intimate with him even if it were fake. it would bring too much back.
She woke up early that morning worried and with much to be done. She had sent him a text to shave or else, hoping it would tantalyzing to him. She knew that was a favorite trait of hers for him. she secretly wished he would leave it so she could take care of him one last time and shave him like old days. No, that was too much.
She slipped into a pain of old jeans.
A tight plunging deep red shirt.
Her peacoat he picked out to match his that she bought.
a scarf, gloves, and tam she knitt to match his beenie.
grabbed her camera and ran out the door. She realized she was almost twenty minutes late. She had cried while getting ready. it was so heart renching knowning she would have no choice but to gaze upon his bone structure, his polished body. This made her late.
When she arrived at the studio she walked inside expecting to explain herself. He was always so punctual. But instead she smelled the light air of burning green. A habit she picked up after she packed and moved on. She felt so hypocritical every high she floated towards.
She saw his silhouette out on the window fire escape ledge. She couldn't contain herself. If the photoshoot were to be anything but awkward, she needed to break the ice.
She called his name then climbed outside and grabbed him from behind interlocking her fingers as they wrapped around his middle. As she took her hands away after startling him, her fingers brushed his face before he turned around.
She felt it moisten.
There were tears on her hands.
He turned around. Glossy red eyes. She knew the weed wasn't the culprit.
He had been crying. She hadn't been the only one.
She complimented him on the shave then told him how she wanted him to pose. "There! that's it, Stay still, you got it." She snapped and snapped her shutter.
"I need you to move closer here"
"I need you so much closer" he stammered.
Woah, did he say that or was it just her mind rationacting things?
"Benjamin, come on" she meant it.
"You come on" He shot at her.
She stared deep into his green eyes and searched for anything behind this outbreak.
"Ben, what are you doing? why are you doing this now?" She continued to snap shutters in between while waiting for his answer.
"I just can't take this" He sighed.
"What?"
"This...this..this wall."
"Oh"
"I..I'm..I, uh, I miss you. It's just not the same"
Her eyes filled immensly with tears. "I'm sorry, I can't do this" she muttered. She grabbed her camera in a frenzy forgetting her coat, gloves, scarf and hat in a rush to get out the door.
He fell onto his back cursing his loquacious mind. His eyes followed her trail out the door noticing her belongings. She'll freeze.
He sat up, collected her things and ran out the door. He could still catch up. He was heaving by the time he saw her on the side walk.
-Note to self, stop smoking.
He clenched her hip swung her around, her body shivering from the cold taking over her body. He took her into his body and pushed his into hers.
Oh the way they fit.
He took her face into his hands.
He took her face into his hands.
Oh they way they fit.
His hands were still warm from inside. She watched his heaving breaths pump out and listened to him stammer words:
"I---------Need----y----youu-" He exasperated.
She shook uncontrollably and mumbled, "Ben, do you want a cup of coffee, maybe a bowl of schwag?"
He couldn't fathom how much he loved her.
*This all started when a teacher handed me a New Yorker advertisement and instructed me to write a lead(two-three begining sentences) on it.
"There! That's it. Stay still, you got it." He stopped dead in his tracks while he listened to the shutter snap closed and then open again. She would make me stop and pose in the most uncomfortable position he thought to himself as his arm quivered under his weight. Even since they had broken up she was finidng ways to make him miserable. Like carrying through with this photoshoot they booked while they were still in love.
His
He had seen her three, maybe four times since the heartbreaking event. On coincidence of course. Never intentional. Social gatherings mostly. I mean, when you have all the same friends and live in a ten mile radius of each other, you're bound to run into each other eventually.
Sure, initially he tried hiding, but why should he seclude and punish himself for the sake of her?: the girl who ripped him to shreads, the girl who left his life, the girl who took his heart, records, and foreign teas when she deserted him, the girl who he loved, the girl he could never forget, the girl who make him clench his heart for fear the heartbreak might actually cause him a trip to the hospital.
no, she wasn't worth it.
He never went to places he knew she would be:
The coffee house, the silent partk and his favorite clothing store (her place of employment).
But finally he did succumb to getting out of his cramped, wrecked, one bedroom apartment. If you could call it that. More so just a vicinity. She loved it, thought it was cosy and gave a reason to be close to each other. a reason to make love since he couldn't afford urban entertainment.
When he did run into her at first, he didn't know how to act. 'should I embrace her, agknowledge her, or maybe, do I ignore her?' He finally settled on acting like they were casual friends and as though nothing had ever happened.
He quickly learned she didn't really care whether he was there or not and she didn't seem phased on how to act. So he took her lead and acted the same. It hurt, it hurt not being wanted by her.
Anywys, as I have stated he had only seen her a few times but yet she has been cruel to him. torturting him in more ways then one:
-she would email him her short stories he used to critique for her and she would always sign the email "Thanks, love, Emily." That wretched 'love' word.
-she would walk to class(the way he took) in either
A)old sweaters of his that she never returned
B)provacative dresses, skirts, anything that when he laid his eyes upod her attire he heard himself gasp.
-she walked and smoked camel reds infront of the bar he worked at on her breaks.
She was so beautiful, so cruel.
And now this photo shoot?
She was an aspriring photography student who had to classify her final prject under a category of intangible items. I picked love, darling. and I love you. Be my subject?! It was a romantic gesture. He had always hoped she would take his picture but he was always reluctant to ask.
She had turned in her agenda of the project months in advance. The itenerary was as follows:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Emily Lark: Subject
-Scenes de apres, dans, et devant le "art of lovemaking"
How more perfect could it be? Every man's frivolous fantasty of documenting making love to the gorgeous girl he couldn't manage to live without. Needless to say the intenerary was changed after the seperation.
Now it was sribbled and read something like this:
-Ben Shoemacher: Subject
-Somehow manage to find essecne of love in a lonely, hopeless man.
Do I even need to render depressing?
He awoke on the morning of the shoot and rubbed his beard, or lack thereof. He had been growing it out, hoping for a face full of hair by mid spring. But she had sent a text message the night before wanting him to shave his beard before he showed or she would take matters into her own hands. He loved how persistent she was. So firm and striking.
He contemplated leaving it just so he could have deja vu of their times spent together where she would take care of him and do those things for him. He quickly shut the thought out knowing how desperate he would look and feel.
He shaved.
pulled on courdoroys. a dark brown.
pulled on a flannel button up.
flopped a sweater vest over.
bundled up in a pea coat(the one she bought), scarf(the one she loved), and his beenie(oh yeah, the one she knitt).
Sprayed some cologne. He hasn't worn it since the day she packed.
He left his room and braved the frigid ferbruary air. It whipped against his barely clean shaven face. He walked into the studio with beat cheeks and a rouged nose.
He looked around for her but there weren't many places for her to hide so he decided to sit out on the window ledge to wait and light a bowl. A habit she hated and he picked back up when she moved out.
But the time she arrived fifteen minutes later, he was so lost in tears and vivid memories he merely heard her calling his name, openeing the window. But when she jumped on his back to startle him and give him a quick hug, he jolted his hands cutting the air in way to his cheeks and huge glassy eyes to brush the fallen tears aside.
He couldn't show her he was suffering.
She immediately instructed him in between her greetings and compliments on his shave to lay on the old spring matress and to remove his coat and hat.
He posed
He posed for her.
"I need you to move closer here" she insisted.
"I need you so much closer" he murmured.
She stopped and stared.
"Benjamin, come on"
"You come on" he shot back, not sure what he was really meaning or what the intent was behind his words.
She stopoped dead, stared into his green eyes, searching for his heart, his soul, his intent.
Hers
Why is he saying this, What is he doing?
The day she thought would never come had booked itself and she couldn't redeem her ticket. She had to end their relationship. She had to leave. things had gone sour. She begged herself not to but she knew there were too many things pushhing her out the door, too many reasons packing her bags.
She tried to keep on with normal daily life, work, school, friends, parties and so on. but pulling herself out of bed every morning knowing that the train she would take to the campus would take her past his building made her wish she could curl up all day. The thought of having to be reminded of what she lost and couldn't have made her want to throw up. It was all too much. It kept her up at night. Tears streaming and soaking her pillow. In time she came to expect her pillow to be marked with last night's smeared make up when she awoke each morning.
Her friends had finally convinced her to live the social, single life again. She knew he would be at certain get-togethers and she prepared herself every night when it was something she would come into contact with him. How do I say hello? do I kiss him on the cheek, do i ignore him, do i act like nothing happened? When she got the destination to see him and she walked into the room he didn't turn his head to look. He didn't turn to glance when she laught at a joke.
The laugh he claimed to be addicted to
She took his lead of not really being bothered of him being in the room. He didn't seem to be flustered so why should she?
It hurt, it hurt not being noticed by him.
Her fate of no recognition beat her up insde badly. She wanted him to notice her in the slightest bit. A smile, a wave, a nod, a hello. Anything! Anything! She wanted him to let her know he felt like she did. She would never admit but she wanted to know if he still loved her like she did him. She wanted to know if he missed her like she did.
So she began to make herself noticeable:
-She sent him emails of her short stories she loved to write hoping he would see the hidden messages behind them. He had to have. He was intelligent.
-She would cross his path to class(never forgetting his schedule) wearing his ragged sweaters that still smelled like him. Maybe it would strike conversation. She wore dresses that she knew he loved and drove him up the wall.
nothing. She even dared to spend her breaks promenading down the street smoking their cigarettes and passing by his job. Nope.
Her last hope was telling him the photo project was still on. It dind't matter, she couldn't change it now anyway. It was too late and it had been set in stone long ago with her professor. He was expecting a brillaint portrayal of love.
She remembered the original itenerary like the back of her hand. but she had to change it. she couldn't even think about being intimate with him even if it were fake. it would bring too much back.
She woke up early that morning worried and with much to be done. She had sent him a text to shave or else, hoping it would tantalyzing to him. She knew that was a favorite trait of hers for him. she secretly wished he would leave it so she could take care of him one last time and shave him like old days. No, that was too much.
She slipped into a pain of old jeans.
A tight plunging deep red shirt.
Her peacoat he picked out to match his that she bought.
a scarf, gloves, and tam she knitt to match his beenie.
grabbed her camera and ran out the door. She realized she was almost twenty minutes late. She had cried while getting ready. it was so heart renching knowning she would have no choice but to gaze upon his bone structure, his polished body. This made her late.
When she arrived at the studio she walked inside expecting to explain herself. He was always so punctual. But instead she smelled the light air of burning green. A habit she picked up after she packed and moved on. She felt so hypocritical every high she floated towards.
She saw his silhouette out on the window fire escape ledge. She couldn't contain herself. If the photoshoot were to be anything but awkward, she needed to break the ice.
She called his name then climbed outside and grabbed him from behind interlocking her fingers as they wrapped around his middle. As she took her hands away after startling him, her fingers brushed his face before he turned around.
She felt it moisten.
There were tears on her hands.
He turned around. Glossy red eyes. She knew the weed wasn't the culprit.
He had been crying. She hadn't been the only one.
She complimented him on the shave then told him how she wanted him to pose. "There! that's it, Stay still, you got it." She snapped and snapped her shutter.
"I need you to move closer here"
"I need you so much closer" he stammered.
Woah, did he say that or was it just her mind rationacting things?
"Benjamin, come on" she meant it.
"You come on" He shot at her.
She stared deep into his green eyes and searched for anything behind this outbreak.
"Ben, what are you doing? why are you doing this now?" She continued to snap shutters in between while waiting for his answer.
"I just can't take this" He sighed.
"What?"
"This...this..this wall."
"Oh"
"I..I'm..I, uh, I miss you. It's just not the same"
Her eyes filled immensly with tears. "I'm sorry, I can't do this" she muttered. She grabbed her camera in a frenzy forgetting her coat, gloves, scarf and hat in a rush to get out the door.
He fell onto his back cursing his loquacious mind. His eyes followed her trail out the door noticing her belongings. She'll freeze.
He sat up, collected her things and ran out the door. He could still catch up. He was heaving by the time he saw her on the side walk.
-Note to self, stop smoking.
He clenched her hip swung her around, her body shivering from the cold taking over her body. He took her into his body and pushed his into hers.
Oh the way they fit.
He took her face into his hands.
He took her face into his hands.
Oh they way they fit.
His hands were still warm from inside. She watched his heaving breaths pump out and listened to him stammer words:
"I---------Need----y----youu-" He exasperated.
She shook uncontrollably and mumbled, "Ben, do you want a cup of coffee, maybe a bowl of schwag?"
He couldn't fathom how much he loved her.
I'd like to say that you're my only fear. And when I dream, it slowly dissapears And when I wake, I'm right here by your by your side to feel your heart beat in and out of time.
I've decided that after last night, I really need to give people a break. And change myself for the better. I need to stop generally assuming that everything is going to land me hurt and thrown out of happiness.
-Weird random post.
I've decided that after last night, I really need to give people a break. And change myself for the better. I need to stop generally assuming that everything is going to land me hurt and thrown out of happiness.
-Weird random post.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The littlest things...
Mean the most.
As I sat in my room telling myself "I don't want to think about this at all, I don't want to think about what just happened" of course, all I could think about is what just happened and how much I was getting upset about it. And just as I began to have a geavy stream line of tears galloping down my face, my mom called for dinner.
Great.
How was I going to stop/explain why I have blood shot eyes, a soaked face, and rained-through makeup?
I wiped them away, but honestly, that did really nothing. They continued to fall with every step down the stairs jolting new tears onto my cheeks. I finally took a breath and last swipe before I walked into the kitchen and dining room.
I scarfed dinner as fast and with as little conversation as I could when suddenly my dad says "Julie, want to go run an errand with me?"
I'm never asked to go on 'errands' with dad.
I went upstairs, measeled my hair into a somewhat ponytail, put on some jeans and an old raggedy sweatshirt and moccassins and headed out the door.
As soon as I got in the car dad says, "I see you're upset, are you sad about something in particular?"
Yep, that did me in, I Guess all the emotions I've been holding in about everything for the past month or two just poured out in forms of tear drops. He rubbed my back and drove straight to an ice cream parlor, got out and returned with a big cup of mint chocolate chip(my favorite)
We then proceeded to James Avery to shop for my mother's St. Valentine's ring. And then to walmart where I was gifted with the new Eagle's c.d. and a bag of sour patch kids.
The best little gifts I have gotten.
A cup of ice cream, c.d., candy, and best of all not a question asked, just taken for what I truly am and taken care of regardless.
Hmph.
As I sat in my room telling myself "I don't want to think about this at all, I don't want to think about what just happened" of course, all I could think about is what just happened and how much I was getting upset about it. And just as I began to have a geavy stream line of tears galloping down my face, my mom called for dinner.
Great.
How was I going to stop/explain why I have blood shot eyes, a soaked face, and rained-through makeup?
I wiped them away, but honestly, that did really nothing. They continued to fall with every step down the stairs jolting new tears onto my cheeks. I finally took a breath and last swipe before I walked into the kitchen and dining room.
I scarfed dinner as fast and with as little conversation as I could when suddenly my dad says "Julie, want to go run an errand with me?"
I'm never asked to go on 'errands' with dad.
I went upstairs, measeled my hair into a somewhat ponytail, put on some jeans and an old raggedy sweatshirt and moccassins and headed out the door.
As soon as I got in the car dad says, "I see you're upset, are you sad about something in particular?"
Yep, that did me in, I Guess all the emotions I've been holding in about everything for the past month or two just poured out in forms of tear drops. He rubbed my back and drove straight to an ice cream parlor, got out and returned with a big cup of mint chocolate chip(my favorite)
We then proceeded to James Avery to shop for my mother's St. Valentine's ring. And then to walmart where I was gifted with the new Eagle's c.d. and a bag of sour patch kids.
The best little gifts I have gotten.
A cup of ice cream, c.d., candy, and best of all not a question asked, just taken for what I truly am and taken care of regardless.
Hmph.
Well fuck. You know, I always knew that would come and bite me in the ass. I just really fucking hate it. Just because you don't like me and I don't like you and I broke up with your best friend doesn't mean you have to go and fuck up things for me.
You know I respect what you did, you clearly don't like me. It's okay, not everyone has to be my best friend. And you have a good reason not to like me, you hear all the bad things. I understand that. But there comes a point where there's a time and place for things. There's a line, and you aren't supposed to cross it.
And finally you have.
So thankyouuu. Thankyou so much. For making me have to deal with grief about things because you really don't care about my feelings and don't care if you mess something in my life up.
Cool.
Thanks for being extra assholeish. That's appreciative.
You know I respect what you did, you clearly don't like me. It's okay, not everyone has to be my best friend. And you have a good reason not to like me, you hear all the bad things. I understand that. But there comes a point where there's a time and place for things. There's a line, and you aren't supposed to cross it.
And finally you have.
So thankyouuu. Thankyou so much. For making me have to deal with grief about things because you really don't care about my feelings and don't care if you mess something in my life up.
Cool.
Thanks for being extra assholeish. That's appreciative.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
shelter me, oh genuis words. Just give me strength suspend these things and give me peace to pin these wings.
Hm not much to really say besides the face that I am self sufficiently smiling. No ones forcing it upon me and it seems fairly easier than before. There's reason behind it sure, but no need to explain. I'm just thanking the world for today and how beautiful it is, and how lucky I am for what I do have.
Hm not much to really say besides the face that I am self sufficiently smiling. No ones forcing it upon me and it seems fairly easier than before. There's reason behind it sure, but no need to explain. I'm just thanking the world for today and how beautiful it is, and how lucky I am for what I do have.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I blog far too much.
I know it's such a cheesy song, but honestly, I connect with it so much.
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us. It's time to make a move, I'm shaking off the dust. I've got my heart set on anywhere but here. I'm staring down myself, I'm counting up the years.
Steady hands just take the wheel. Every glance is killing me. Time to make one last appeal for the life I live.
Stop and stare,I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah, I know everyone gets scared. But I become what I can't be. Oh, stop and stare. You start to wonder why you're here, not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need, oh can you see what I see?
It's trying to come back all my senses push untie the weight bags, I never thought I could.
Steady feet don't fail me now. I'm-a run till you can't walk. But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.
Stop and stare,I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah, I know everyone gets scared. But I become what I can't be. Oh, stop and stare. You start to wonder why you're here, not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need, oh can you see what I see?
Stop and start. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared, I become what I cant be. Oh, do you see what I see?
I know it's such a cheesy song, but honestly, I connect with it so much.
This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us. It's time to make a move, I'm shaking off the dust. I've got my heart set on anywhere but here. I'm staring down myself, I'm counting up the years.
Steady hands just take the wheel. Every glance is killing me. Time to make one last appeal for the life I live.
Stop and stare,I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah, I know everyone gets scared. But I become what I can't be. Oh, stop and stare. You start to wonder why you're here, not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need, oh can you see what I see?
It's trying to come back all my senses push untie the weight bags, I never thought I could.
Steady feet don't fail me now. I'm-a run till you can't walk. But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.
Stop and stare,I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah, I know everyone gets scared. But I become what I can't be. Oh, stop and stare. You start to wonder why you're here, not there. And you'd give anything to get what's fair. But fair ain't what you really need, oh can you see what I see?
Stop and start. I think I'm moving but I go nowhere. Yeah I know that everyone gets scared, I become what I cant be. Oh, do you see what I see?
I'm sitting here with an open blank email I'm supposed to be writing for admissions.
God, this is the most stressful procedure.
Not to mention, I am probably in the worst mood. I am so sick of my parents badgering me about it. Tonight at dinner everything was fine. Then all the sudden they just freak out about me not emailing Brain Taylor from UT still, because I don't think I need to. My dad sat there and accused me of not really caring about school and faking liking schools and my major. How I'm not even doing the bare minimum and how I'm a quitter.
Yeah, I didn't just plan a whole trip to UT by myself and research everything for myself for a year. Yeah I don't give a shit about anything at all.
Okay great assumption, asshole.
Then he asked if I did what he told me to about finding other schools. And I did, and of course that ended badly because I made some stab about us not having the financial standings for me to go out to california or new york. Nor would I have a chance of getting in. That just whirlwind into just a whole bashing session on me. All they did was yell and repeat everything I've ever heard three times. I was the one sitting in the admissions sessions for all the colleges. I was listening. I Was the one taking notes, they don't need to re-iterate it for me.
Finally I Just got so angry and pissed off because they think they know everything.
They just kept talking about how just because I don't meet requirements doesn't mean I won't give in because my sister somehow got into Texas Tech when she was way below requirements(they were uping their enrollment). Wow, that's one person. Who's major isn't even important to that school.
I mean if I'm so below a requirement they're not going to take me. I know, because I've talked to admissions people.
the conversation finally ended when I broke into tears, flew up from my chair and high tailed it to my room upstairs and screamed "shutup, shutup, shutup"
which they replied. "that's mature julie, really mature"
I just can't take this pressure anymore. It's so agonizing to know I'm not good enough for them. The school's I can get into are conisidently the ones we can't afford.
I'm just so sick of not knowing what to do.
Blaaaaahhhh.
If only they would understand college is so hard now and so much diffrent from 35 years ago when they went to college.
I guess I should start on that email?
God, this is the most stressful procedure.
Not to mention, I am probably in the worst mood. I am so sick of my parents badgering me about it. Tonight at dinner everything was fine. Then all the sudden they just freak out about me not emailing Brain Taylor from UT still, because I don't think I need to. My dad sat there and accused me of not really caring about school and faking liking schools and my major. How I'm not even doing the bare minimum and how I'm a quitter.
Yeah, I didn't just plan a whole trip to UT by myself and research everything for myself for a year. Yeah I don't give a shit about anything at all.
Okay great assumption, asshole.
Then he asked if I did what he told me to about finding other schools. And I did, and of course that ended badly because I made some stab about us not having the financial standings for me to go out to california or new york. Nor would I have a chance of getting in. That just whirlwind into just a whole bashing session on me. All they did was yell and repeat everything I've ever heard three times. I was the one sitting in the admissions sessions for all the colleges. I was listening. I Was the one taking notes, they don't need to re-iterate it for me.
Finally I Just got so angry and pissed off because they think they know everything.
They just kept talking about how just because I don't meet requirements doesn't mean I won't give in because my sister somehow got into Texas Tech when she was way below requirements(they were uping their enrollment). Wow, that's one person. Who's major isn't even important to that school.
I mean if I'm so below a requirement they're not going to take me. I know, because I've talked to admissions people.
the conversation finally ended when I broke into tears, flew up from my chair and high tailed it to my room upstairs and screamed "shutup, shutup, shutup"
which they replied. "that's mature julie, really mature"
I just can't take this pressure anymore. It's so agonizing to know I'm not good enough for them. The school's I can get into are conisidently the ones we can't afford.
I'm just so sick of not knowing what to do.
Blaaaaahhhh.
If only they would understand college is so hard now and so much diffrent from 35 years ago when they went to college.
I guess I should start on that email?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
It's not really a question of how much I can take, it's more a question of how long I have until I break.
Funny huh, how something so pure turns into the nastiest of deeds. The widest smile turns to crooked and sneer. Funny huh?
Well, you've out done yourself with this one. Another night of silent crying, and another night of hating on myself.
Funny huh, how something so pure turns into the nastiest of deeds. The widest smile turns to crooked and sneer. Funny huh?
Well, you've out done yourself with this one. Another night of silent crying, and another night of hating on myself.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
I hate silent crying, and that's what you've put upon me. You don't realize how much my heart belongs to you. To your cause in life. You're okay with throwing away our friendship.
I'm not.
Excuse me while I vomit over your stomach turning antics of bringing up things I've tried so long to stiffle.
things you dont know anything about. you're taking cheep shots. and they're working.
you're crumbling me fast.
are you happy now?
I'm not.
Excuse me while I vomit over your stomach turning antics of bringing up things I've tried so long to stiffle.
things you dont know anything about. you're taking cheep shots. and they're working.
you're crumbling me fast.
are you happy now?
Monday, February 4, 2008
I forgot to blog about this when it happened, so I guess I'll just do it now?
A couple nights ago, I returned from Austin and causually checked my myspace. I came across a message from someone I used to be in a relationship with. Someone I spent two years of my life with. So that was quit surprising, seeing as how we have been in a complete non-existant world with each other.
so about 2 weeks ago I was really fucked up,
and before I got really inehbriated I put a pen and notepad in my back pocket so I could write my thoughts down
and the only thing i wrote about was you..
I only replied back with a
That's strange.
What honestly was expected from that email? I'm not really sure. I got off the computer then went to bed. And I quickly received a text message from the same person. Via text message I found out that he is partaking in hard drug use and was the moment dropping acid. Stupid. Coming from someone who was so against that.
I asked him why he wrote about me, and in his faulty attempt to charm me, he stumbled upon words of our past.
And all I have to say about this, is it makes me realize how much I really destest him sometimes and how much better I am without him. Ah, some forms of clarity are so welcomed.
A couple nights ago, I returned from Austin and causually checked my myspace. I came across a message from someone I used to be in a relationship with. Someone I spent two years of my life with. So that was quit surprising, seeing as how we have been in a complete non-existant world with each other.
so about 2 weeks ago I was really fucked up,
and before I got really inehbriated I put a pen and notepad in my back pocket so I could write my thoughts down
and the only thing i wrote about was you..
I only replied back with a
That's strange.
What honestly was expected from that email? I'm not really sure. I got off the computer then went to bed. And I quickly received a text message from the same person. Via text message I found out that he is partaking in hard drug use and was the moment dropping acid. Stupid. Coming from someone who was so against that.
I asked him why he wrote about me, and in his faulty attempt to charm me, he stumbled upon words of our past.
And all I have to say about this, is it makes me realize how much I really destest him sometimes and how much better I am without him. Ah, some forms of clarity are so welcomed.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
cassi smells.....good.
and the killers are good to listen to right now.
bringing back seventh gradeee whoop whoop.
superbowl suckz
i dont know why am i even typing this blog. it is completely pointless. i am just taking p time by typing on this macbook
cute picture up there by the way, just creeping you know.
we're waiting for tom petty to get on halftime. he's probably the only good thing about this superbowl festivities. now sounds of the glorious journey are filling the room. i'm eyeing my jones soda. mmm. so bad for me, yet so good and delicious.
miss this so much
so happy
Jabbering
My mother's constant nagging of the whole "collegiate education" is really starting to bother me. She's making my mind backflip with her persistant wagers of how I might not get accepted here, the right program might be there, excetera excetera. Then merely three seconds later she starts in on her speal of how Film Production might not be a "wise" choice because the job opportuntity is lacking and unsteady. Except that it's not but I might as well keep my mouth shut, for arguing with her would only make the situation more complicated.
So now I was told to find about 20 more schools with a film production program. Great. Back to square one. I had narrowed it down to three, but apparently those three aren't good enough. Now I will have to restart my search again, come to my parents with my results, visit them, look at my chances (financially and admittance), then make my choice.
I was just fine with University of Texas. But whatever.
So now I was told to find about 20 more schools with a film production program. Great. Back to square one. I had narrowed it down to three, but apparently those three aren't good enough. Now I will have to restart my search again, come to my parents with my results, visit them, look at my chances (financially and admittance), then make my choice.
I was just fine with University of Texas. But whatever.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
My trip to austin went relatively well I guess I can say. Although, when I got home, I felt really cynical. Scratching to get out of my body. Going crazy in my head. Leaving home and starting over is so much to handle for me. Overwhelming.
My brother broke his leg long boarding at night, Brillaaaaiinnntt.
This comes from the man who made a 1170 on his sat about six years ago. Genius of the books, retard of the common sense. On a strange, yet good note, I felt safe today. It's a new feeling I haven't really gotten used to yet. Hopefully things will change and it will be something I can experience more often. Super bowl is tomorrow. Who cares? But it's just a free pass for everyone to crowd together over something.
My brother broke his leg long boarding at night, Brillaaaaiinnntt.
This comes from the man who made a 1170 on his sat about six years ago. Genius of the books, retard of the common sense. On a strange, yet good note, I felt safe today. It's a new feeling I haven't really gotten used to yet. Hopefully things will change and it will be something I can experience more often. Super bowl is tomorrow. Who cares? But it's just a free pass for everyone to crowd together over something.
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