I am a full blown people-pleaser.
I think that has been the source of so much struggle and stress about myself over the years. I can never stop loving them no matter what they do to me, and to satisfy them gives me utter joy.

So I hurt my health and soul for someone.

And I wonder, is it worth it?

Yes.
Because I love my parents, and I love to make them proud of me.
Even if it means tearing up myself.

Too little, then too big.
Too everything!


I don't know how to burn a document to a cd.

My mind isn't here anymore.
I scrolled through my recieved calls list, and I conversed with three different people on three different occasions for more than five minutes, and it hurts to try to remember so hard if I really did talk to them.

Because I honestly don't know if I did.

Im ready for a vindication to fall back on.

I wince at what I could be messing up.

Puzzled

Does not beging to compensate for the way my state of being stands.

I don't know about anything anymore.

I miss so much in my life.

I feel and emptiness dragging me down deeply. Into a catylst full of dark emotion I try to resist to feel, and in that resistance, I lose my ability to feel anything furthermore.

It's kind of strange.

I don't react to anything anymore.
I didn't react to my best friend for three + years lying to me every inch about every inch of her life.
I just shrugged my shoulders and said "that's fucking stupid". But I don't know if that shrug of my shoulders and use of profanity was just running through the motions of what I should be doing.

I didn't tear, I didn't question. I just laxed.

What is wrong with me.
What is wrong with my mind.
what is wrong with my heart.
What is wrong with my emotions.
What is wrong with my pysche.
What is wrong with me?

I wish there was something or someone to awaken what has been dormant recently.

Wishing

Currently wanting: To know Orenthal's real truth.

I read his book today, "If I Did It" and I really was taken aback by it.
I really had no Idea about all that had gone on in his life. Now that book, contrary to popular belief isn't written for his satisfaction. It is purely blood money collected by Nicole Brown's family and he takes respsonsibility for all domestic violence.

I guess I don't recall much from the actual time period of the murder, and the murder trial and all the investigation that went along at the time, considering I was around 5 or 6( I do remember my parents saying "the simpson trial is on" and my brother sister and i running for the tv because we thought it was the Simpsons hah). But I have watched alot of tv shows in my free time on A&E and such that showcased the alleged murder.

I honestly had no idea how much their marraige suffered. the book showcased letters from Nicole shortly after she had sent divorce papers feeling regret for breaking up and admiting to their stressed and failed relationship was mainly due to her part, or lack thereof.

I talked with my parents about it tonight when we had dinner, and they asked me if I thought he was guilty or not. And I blatently said no. when they asked me why I laughed and said "If the glove don't fit, you must aquit". But really, sometimes I believe he really didn't murder them. But then again all the evidence works against him.

He said at the end of the trial, that he would spend every oppertune moment he had and every dollar he owned and every inch of dedication to finding the real murderer in this crime.

Why he didn't live up to that I don't know.

But my one real wish in this world, is that maybe someday before he or I dies, I want him to tell me the real honest to god truth. Even if that means I have to see him in heaven(or such a place) to know, then so be it. But I want to know. Because I Stood up for him, and I want to know if my heart is in the right place.

Hm

I guess I am just mad at myself. I mean how can I really blame today's modern society?

I can only blame myself for such an intorlerable act, because it is infact, my fault.

My parents are going to their anual holiday festive parties. Since my dad is really important to his job and his customers he really tkaes care of them and makes sure they have a good, safe time. So every year when they have these parties that run till 2 or 3 in the wee hours, he gets hotel rooms so no one drives and gets hurt or whatever.

And every year I sit at home on these nights and just chill at home. This year will be different however, because my sister won't be there. She usualy threw something at our house, where I would end up coming home at midnight to a house full of drunks/stoners. Which is hey all fine with me, I wasn't expected to be held accountable for that and nothing ever went wrong.

I think we all know how I stand with drugs and the use of them, and how I sometimes percieve people who use regularly. Now I do have the right to form the opinion that I have, seeing as I watched my brother fuck up his life on drugs and such. I do have the view point and the information to make my views. If I was some stupid preteen who quoted "drugz are bad, don't do them" I would slap myself as well, but I don't feel that way. I just feel like yeah go do your drugs, but don't do them with me, near me, or be on them with me or near me. It's just cause I don't like getting involved with that stuff.

The times I have gotten involved haven't ended that well, and I don't want to mess with that stuff again.

So this year I was thinking of holding a little get together at my parent's place the night of the parties so I wouldn't be bored out of my mind. And by get together, I simple mean "get together". NOTHING more. Just some good quality friends hanging out watching movies, playing games you know. I mean sure there would probably have been a few sips of something along the way. But we can all handle that, and I know they people who I would want involved can handle that.

Iguess it's only my fault because I advertised it. But I love how once people hear of a free location, they suddenly become your best friend. Not because its a place without parental guidance, not because it's a place everyone else is going, but because it's a place they can get their next fill.

They're not intrested except to get that next high.

So whatever, I hope you know if you are one of those people how I feel about you.
You won't be welcome, plain and simple.

So the get together continues and I seriosuly welcome everyone, I want to have a great night with loads of fun and maybe some wine here or there ;) but if you show up at my door with that pipe in hand, or whatever, don't be surprised when it's shut right in your face.

No one thinks you're fucking great cause you shoot up.
especially me, way to lose my respect.


-edit- i have friends that smoke and such, and im okay with that, i never said i have to have straight edge friends, its just, they know not to come into my house or around my family high or with drugs on them. its just common curtesy guys

Eragh

No school! I do not want to return to school. I do not want to work and I do not want to learn. No no no.

I watch you grow away from me in photographs, And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again.
I started losing sleep and gaining weight, And wishing I was ten again, So I could be your friend again.


These days we go to waste like wine,That's turned to turpentine.
It's six AM and I'm all messed up; I didn't mean to waste your time,So I'll fall back in line

But I'm warning you we're growing up
I heard you found some pretty words to say, You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in.


Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates, And conquers from within again


These days we go to waste like wine;That's turned to turpentine.
It's six AM and I'm all messed up.
I didn't mean to waste your time,So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up.
We're OK I know we're OK

But these days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up.

Come awn Kiki

Dat was fuhnnie.

Dreaming in black and white

tonight was so good and cheery! first all day i slept in so much. i seriously cannot remember the last time I slept in like that! it felt so good, I was sooo tired. then i saw my brother off with the doggies :( so sad to see the little bundles of joy leave. they deffinitely brought a little personality to our thanksgiving weekend. not that my family doesnt bring enough, ha that's for sure.



then all day long i lounged around and watched football on the television with my faja. which a&m won, so he was in a good mood. always a favorite game. second year in a row they have managed to beat texas. what a joy. then finally around five i managed to get dressed and pull myself together for dinner with Cam!



We went out to Pei Wei and got some good chinese food. my favorite. thats the way to my heart everytime a good chinese dinner. mmmm. yum!



then we met cass at Blockbuster and decided to grab "the black daliah" and return to my pad and watch it. haha. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. it was so confusing and with everyone in my house talking we would miss important quiet lines spoken. haha. and then it finally comes together at the very end. and its creepy. i will most deffinitely have nightmares about the last scene where the body pops up. thankfully i looked away when they slit her cheeks open. creepers!



then we headed back up to the shopping center to return that horrid movie and to meet Marcus at starbucks and have a get together! it was so much fun. brought alot of holiday joy haha. i loved it, especially since the whole highschool seems to gather there. oh joy. we are goobers and we feed off each other when we're around each other. cassi and i had a good time in the bathroom ahaha, so retarded together. and then told marcus and cam about it. hah they enjoyed it.



i just got home. and my fingers are so numb its ridiculous. haha. sitting outside for more than two hours in 20 degree weather suckeddddd. but it was good too. i really did enjoy my coffee as usual (ahem adddicccctttt) hahah.



tomorrow off to see across the universe again for the fourth time!

yay love it, and i am sure i will somehow embarass myself and sing during the whole movie. haha.

off to bed i go, im desperately tired

wam bam thankya mamm

I kinda realized that all around me everyone has someone.
A significnt other, or someone who they're interested in, or they are infact the intrustee (is that a word?). I like it, I like seeing everyone so happy and fullfilled by the hopes of young love and infatuation; it's cute really.

I don't really mind that I don't have anyone. It's okay. I like seeing other people happy, even if I'm not. I guess I live through their happiness, which is okay with me.

Sometimes I do feeelll really lonely late @ night when I wish I could have a meaningful goodnight with someone, but I think I like the thought of someone being there for me, then having to actually deal with commitment.

I am a commitment failure hahahaha! I am really okay with that though.
I'm content with my relationship status: Julie. :D

mm,mm,mm

KT got home.
Dats nice, cause now I'm not forced to be by myself having awkward conversations.
I'm not a fan of that

I'm a modern Gurlz

but I fold in half so easily when I put myself in the picture of success; I could learn world trade or try to map the ocean.

Mmm Rilo Kiley I love-is you.
Finally it's Thanksgiving break. Yayyy. Yesterday Cassi and I ventured to Mockingbird and shopped that up, cause "I love looking fly" I guess as Allan would say. Hahah. It was fun. And it always is.

Went out to eat with mom and faja at the "club" hahha. @ las colinas. the food there is always really good, and I have missed the last few times they have gone, so I guess I was happy to go. And the Maitre D' likes me so he always hooks me up with some good bread pudding and desserts to take home yum.
Then I went to go catch up with Cass and Tanner at his house and watch In the Land of Women.
Yay, Adam Brody I fall in love with you so easily more and more every day, haha.

Ugfjghdsi. Everything was good good.
And then I woke up today and watched Jerry Mcguire on Tv. And my dad came to hang something up in my room because apparently my mom told him my walls are bare. So he came to do that and walked into my bathroom and yelled for me to clean my vanity and sink. But he was especially focused on the sink. So I grabbed my bottle of Lysol and began to clear off my vanity. Well he freaked out and told me to spray the lysol in the sink. and I told him "I need to clear off my whole vanity before I start spraying lysol" and that didn't please him. But I wasn't going to spray my belongings (hair dryer, makeup, toothbrush, soap, face soap) in disenfectant spray, so I continued to do what I was.
After I cleared off my vanity I began to spray from one side to the other, and I got one spray in before suddenly he broke a fuse and began to scream "SPRAY IT IN THE SINK NOW SPRAY IT IN THE SINK STOP SPRAYING SPRAY IT IN THE SINK!" and I told him no, I was going to spray the whole vanity to clean that too, not only the sink. And he didn't approve of that response either and then when I proceeded to tell him to chill out for a minute, he decided to be really mature and grab my hair dryer and throw it into a wall in the hallway to my bedroom. So, there goes some more of my money to pay for a new one hahaah.
So I told him to leave.
And the last words we have shared were,
Dad, "you're going to regret disobeying me, I will punish you for it"
Me, "you can't really do that, cause I didn't disobey you, I cleaned my bathroom like you wanted. I mean unless you want to be a hypocrite (which he calls me and says he's not)"
Dad, "whatever Julie, you do what I say when I say it"
Me, "okay, well try and punish me, please do it."
Then he walked off.

C: Love ya dad.

Wrong

I guess people have been getting the wrong idea from my "blogging" if you want to call it that.
When I write stuff down in here, I'm usually going out on a whim ranting or venting strongly about how I feel at that perticular moment.
Usually in about thirty minutes after I write it down, I feel calm and rash, and most of the things I said really aren't meant in context.
So I'm sorry if no one knew that's what my blog was for: my purposes of venting
But that's what it's here for.
So sorry if I offended anyone.