Cold, cold, cold.
There's no other way to describe someone.


You have a way of coming easily to me; and when you take, you take the very best of me.
So I start a fight, because I need to feel something and you do what you want, I'm clearly not what you wanted.

Oh what a shame, what a raining ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away, there's no use in defending words you would never say.
And now that I'm sitting here thinking this through, I've never been anywhere as cold as you.

You put up walls and painted them all shades of grey.
I stood there loving it, and wished them all away.
And you come away with a great little story of a mess of a dreamer, with the nerve to adore you.

Oh what a shame, such a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Just walk away there's no use in defending words you would never say.
And now that I'm sitting here thinking this through, I've never been anywhere as cold as you.

You never did care of anything, lovely, but I cried, cried for you.
And I know you wouldn't have told one body if I died, died for you.
Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day.
Every smile you fake is so codescending counting all the scars you've made.
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through, I've never been anywhere as cold as you.

It's fine, are you done yet?

I am obviously meant to be alone in this world. Never at once have I felt so defeated and willing to tear myself apart and rip apart my being in actualy self hate before.

I cannot believe that once again, I have fucked things up so badly to the point of no return. Some might have thought that one would have learned from past situations and mistakes and better themself upon this subject. I apparently, do not fit in that mold of the simple 'learning from mistake' charade.

I am so disgusted with my performance. I cannot even look at myself in the eye when I reflect in the mirror.

For the past month I have been throwing up my arms in angst, cutting out and cropping down my life till there's nothing left of it. I have made myself this own way. First with Brendan, now with an old friend who I have rekindled with recently.

I want to just lay this out there:

On the subject of Brendan- He was my best friend for a whole year, and someone who through everything that had been happening througout a transitional period of my life, had been there, through and through only to catch me in my time of need. Our relationship grew, and from a series of events, we grew close and eventually became a couple. Things were good, things were great. It was a normalcy I needed in my life. But as soon as reality kicked in on August 25, so did the invitations, temptations and failure(succesfully none on my part). I was forced into a situation I never want to be made into again. I was a fair idiot, placed upon a pedalstool for all to galavant and mock at. Simply one of the worst feelings in the world. We promised to remain friends and when that didn't take off, I empatheticly tried to salvage what was left and take matters into my own hands to communicate and smile. He claims my friendship is one of the most important things, but yet can't find the decency or time to even call, text, or wave in my direction. I tried, I tried hard, but nothing worked. I decided 'I'm not trying this hard for nothing, if I'm that important, he can come to me'.

Such a immature approach, and look where it's gotten me: Dead no where.


Old friend- We became friends at the beggining of the first semester last year. He was someone I partied with and met with on occasion but soon, for some reason I honestly can't recall, we drifted. Then I began dating Steven Molina, who, of course, was hated by the general generation of my age group, including this 'friend'. It upset most people that somehow I would find happiness in someone so 'disgusting' and 'vile'. I can understand reasoning on why these people fret about him, they had bad experiences. But I cannot help in I never experienced something wrong with him, and for once a boy treated me right and with respect. I had no bones to pick with our relationship, and therefor, it worked. Steven and I's relationship dwindled in the last few months and we finally called it quits, for our laziness had taken over and we both were fed up with trying. Being single, and away from Steven brought back people I hadn't seen or spoken with in a long while, including recently, this friend. Lately we have been hanging out again and having fun revisiting old times and what not. Things were going great until last night:

Set up: I was invited to a party with him and decided I had no other commitments and why not? We go together and I enjoyed every minute I was there, until I saw someone who has continued to disown me and reject me based on my relationship with Steven. I wasn't going to fall to the ground in haste declaring I wouldn't want to be in the same room, in fact I was planning on making it a good night, until words were exchanged. I was drunk, and in that matter, I became extremly angry at what was said(normally I would've disregarded such a statement). I just felt so much hate at that once instant, not mostly on what was said, but the fact that someone can act in such way because of a decision I made long ago. I couldn't even stand to be in the same vicinity as him and so I made a clear decision to leave.

Problem: I announced(mouthed) I was leaving to my friend while he was in a game of beer pong. I negelected to say why, as I just didn't want to make a scene and also because this person was right next to us. It was clear he was mad that I would just up and out like that only having been there about 2 hours. I left ubruptly and hammered, I drove home only to remember my friend's keys were in my car. I let him know, him already being angry at me for leaving which escalated his anger. I explained I would return them in the morning, it was an accident and I had forgotten they were in there in the first place. He disregarded this and I fell asleep in the middle of him trying to figure out how he was going to get them back in text message.
Little did I know, he was also feeling like an idiot when everyone asked where I had gone to and why, and he couldn't answer. I had embarassed him.

and now because of these stupid actions and poor judgment, our friendship is who knows where, because I was shady and thought I did the right thing.

I am doing this to myself, only because I can't see myself happy.
What the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm coming into a darker side in myself, but feeling better than normally. typically, I would take that as a bad sign, seeing as how that sounds cynical, but I want to ride this out. The feeling is straight forward and for once, I'm happy at where I am and where I've stopped temporarily.

I now know I really don't need what I've been missing in my life. From recent , embarassing events, I have recieved massive ammounts of closure on the subject. With a swift drive home, escaping an uncomfortable situation, I was able to let my emotions win and decide that fate doesn't want me to be there with them so I shouldn't. and Won't.

And now things are better than usual. I have a sturdy relationship with my best friend. It's perfect for me. We're closer and it's really what I've been wanting. Work is fine, and my bank account hearty. Now all I need is for him to come home so everything will be set.

College isn't scaring me either.

The weekend is fast approaching and with the soothing thoughts of sun, sand and relaxation, I am obsessing about the sinking feeling that encountered tonight in my shower. I let the water burn and steam my skin as I rethought how good of a day today turned out to be. First my trip to Southlake turned out hopeful and optimistic. Then, a day filled with my best friend, driving to Northpark and Mocking Bird, Happy hour and Creative Recs. The simple car ride on the way home filled with traffic and a full Beatles marathon; discussing who is the least talented, the order of our favorites, who is the best song writers of all time... ect.
It only kills me inside to think that this is my last year of this joyfulness. Things like this will never happen again after this year is over. We will part our ways, live our lives, fall in love, get married, get a job, have a family, grow up. Without each other. The steam ultimately made tears unable to fall which was a perk, considering as I got out, I would have to collaborate with my mother. But, thinking about it has never made me feel this way. Walking into my room made the feelings reality, where the cool air allowed my welled tears to rain down, but I stopped myself thinking, "I have a year, I have a year to make it count".

These few presidents

I need a cigarette so badly right now, or pot. Or liquor. Right now, I need the cleans smooth feeling of glass being held in one hand and the lighter in the other flicking the plastic that will being to heal my fears in moments.

I don't know what I have proceeded to get myself into, it's typical really. I don't want a normal boyfriend! I want what I had! I want it back! I want it fucking back! Things were simple and made sense. It wasn't the fake smiling and checking up on each other and forced happiness. None of the showing me off like a prize. Nothing like this. I hate it. I feel such disdain when I think of it I just want to puke all over the idea of it. Ugh, fuck it. I just want to fuck everyone's relationship who is like this all up and tear it to shreds. It's not real! It's what you think it should be, it's what the early 20th century, 1950, baby-boomer family, father worker, mother cooker, aimed to be. It's not what we, as a generation, are anymore. I just wish it would go the fuck away.

I am so grim at this moment and hostile, it's really unbearable, even for myself to watch. Hmph

old times

Times are wrong, but so are you.

It's strange that just a simple 15 second touch makes the smell seep into my fingers the familiar scent that I've missed for so long. I try to hold back the tears that have been behind my eyes for three straight clear months, but the sounds of normalcy and simpler times and pictures of memories forgotten(or just pushed away) gateways them out fast and hard.

I don't miss everyone, I miss the ones I loved the most. The one that I confided in so much. The one I considered my own blood. the one I wasn't afraid to be the real me around. I'm relieved things are silent now, there's no corruptness between us. But I'm unsure what I'm to feel or do.

The things we shared, photography, music, silliness, everything was so enticing. I met my match. Someone I could run into their house and felt like it was my own. I could run into his arms and feel consoled. Everything was better instantly. nothing else mattered, and my spirits were lifted by some dumb attempt to make me laugh.

Why did things go wrong.










"She was a dancer, she lived in the city. Head before the heart, got a simple start to start things off, And you made a difference in me. Sometimes on the street corner i look up at the sky until all those lights all gone by and then i listen to the sound of the subway breaking down. and it goes bah bah bah bah da da da, bah abha bah da da da da