The weekend is fast approaching and with the soothing thoughts of sun, sand and relaxation, I am obsessing about the sinking feeling that encountered tonight in my shower. I let the water burn and steam my skin as I rethought how good of a day today turned out to be. First my trip to Southlake turned out hopeful and optimistic. Then, a day filled with my best friend, driving to Northpark and Mocking Bird, Happy hour and Creative Recs. The simple car ride on the way home filled with traffic and a full Beatles marathon; discussing who is the least talented, the order of our favorites, who is the best song writers of all time... ect.
It only kills me inside to think that this is my last year of this joyfulness. Things like this will never happen again after this year is over. We will part our ways, live our lives, fall in love, get married, get a job, have a family, grow up. Without each other. The steam ultimately made tears unable to fall which was a perk, considering as I got out, I would have to collaborate with my mother. But, thinking about it has never made me feel this way. Walking into my room made the feelings reality, where the cool air allowed my welled tears to rain down, but I stopped myself thinking, "I have a year, I have a year to make it count".

These few presidents

I need a cigarette so badly right now, or pot. Or liquor. Right now, I need the cleans smooth feeling of glass being held in one hand and the lighter in the other flicking the plastic that will being to heal my fears in moments.

I don't know what I have proceeded to get myself into, it's typical really. I don't want a normal boyfriend! I want what I had! I want it back! I want it fucking back! Things were simple and made sense. It wasn't the fake smiling and checking up on each other and forced happiness. None of the showing me off like a prize. Nothing like this. I hate it. I feel such disdain when I think of it I just want to puke all over the idea of it. Ugh, fuck it. I just want to fuck everyone's relationship who is like this all up and tear it to shreds. It's not real! It's what you think it should be, it's what the early 20th century, 1950, baby-boomer family, father worker, mother cooker, aimed to be. It's not what we, as a generation, are anymore. I just wish it would go the fuck away.

I am so grim at this moment and hostile, it's really unbearable, even for myself to watch. Hmph

old times

Times are wrong, but so are you.

It's strange that just a simple 15 second touch makes the smell seep into my fingers the familiar scent that I've missed for so long. I try to hold back the tears that have been behind my eyes for three straight clear months, but the sounds of normalcy and simpler times and pictures of memories forgotten(or just pushed away) gateways them out fast and hard.

I don't miss everyone, I miss the ones I loved the most. The one that I confided in so much. The one I considered my own blood. the one I wasn't afraid to be the real me around. I'm relieved things are silent now, there's no corruptness between us. But I'm unsure what I'm to feel or do.

The things we shared, photography, music, silliness, everything was so enticing. I met my match. Someone I could run into their house and felt like it was my own. I could run into his arms and feel consoled. Everything was better instantly. nothing else mattered, and my spirits were lifted by some dumb attempt to make me laugh.

Why did things go wrong.










"She was a dancer, she lived in the city. Head before the heart, got a simple start to start things off, And you made a difference in me. Sometimes on the street corner i look up at the sky until all those lights all gone by and then i listen to the sound of the subway breaking down. and it goes bah bah bah bah da da da, bah abha bah da da da da

sweet caroline

Good times never seemed so good
I've been inclined
To believe they never would


Mmm, summer is too sweet. The hot hair blowing in the dark is satisfying. The sharp pitch of horns bursting to blatant Neil Diamond songs replace the worry with temporary bliss. Everything is fine, perfect. Everyone is normal. Everyone is everything but unhappy. Nothing matters. Everything is something. Everything matters to everyone. Nothing is unfit. Everything is everything.

Heroin fucked Stars

I'm really overwhelmed with new attention. I'd rather not even have it. Too much stress, and hopes, and too much potential on what I'm doing. People relying on me is a episode of disaster, I would just not have it at all if I could. I'm not even interested back unto those who are paying me the attention. It's the rush of the game that fuels me. The attention I do want, isn't given. So now the new game is that. I want it so badly, but not just for stats, for keeps maybe.

I hope this game doesn't rule my life, I want to be able to run after something, have it, keep it, and be fulfilled.

My state of mind may never change.