emaciation

is lovelllllyyy.

I just woke up from a five hour long nap. I really couldn't feel much better. My dreams are so lifelike again that when I woke up, I really wasn't sure if that had actually happened. I had to check my text message inbox to see if I had really recieved some text messages that were really in my dream. If only the dreams had been real. I guess they are just telling me the right decision I should be making.

After spending last night with multiple alcoholic drinks in my system and being completely avaliable, I realized that even though it's complicated, I'd rather have it than anything else. I long for it and I guess that's what makes it the best.

fucked up relationships draw me in, what can I say?

on the down side, my knee is swollen from G-diddy smashing it in the car last night. yum.

Clear water

I guess I need to clear things up for some of us. Yes, I used to care, I used to be upset.

But now, Now I'm just slightly mad. I realize how much better, greater, it really is without all this pathetic bullshit.
How shitty you treated me, how we were only friends when you wanted to be, when you needed me, when you felt like it.

It's done. If you can't appreciate me for who I am, then I don't need you around.

No hard feelings, I just don't want anyone to get the notion that I feel like I deserve you, or that I regret the situation I'm in. I served my punishment. It's over. So now it's everyone else's turn to get over it.

Be decent, really.

When it rains,

It pours.

I never thought that hip little quote would be somewhat relevant in my life, but ohhhh is it ever now.

I think last night was one of the worst ones I've had in a long time. Pouring was probably the theme of the night. I got back from my training, which was slightly amusing.. not quite. I was really sick and my nose was running already, head was compacted, ears stuffed, and head throbbing. I layed down in my bed, unshowered, putting off anything and everything until this morning.

I was nodding off respectively when I heard my father scream, "turn off your t.v., I'm coming upstairs!" My television wasn't even on, but I just accepted that and turned on my light for the room. He bursted in and immediately grabbed my car keys off my dresser and screamed about how I'm 'so goddamned lazy" and how I didn't listen to my mother. I was to only be driven by her for the rest of the week and I wasn't allowed to go anywhere today until he had gotten home.

I was really taken back by this that by the time I asked "why am I being punished?" he was all the way down the stairs.

I was told I didn't clean my room like my mother had told me to(she didn't say) and that I needed to take a test tomorrow(I didn't)

So I replied, "I don't have test to make up"
dad, "MAKE UP THAT TEST TOMORROW"
Me, "I don't have a test to make up!"
dad, "YOU WILL MAKE THAT TEST UP TOMORROW"
Me, "I-DON'T-HAVE-A-TEST-TO-MAKE-UP!"

He ran back upstairs and flew into my room and promptly punched my wall in his lame efforts, if I do say so, to 'scare me'.

I'll provide the picture of the massive hole in my wall momentarily.



In fact his efforts were so lame, that I infact laughed at his childish antics.

He continued to scream and when my mother overheard his yelling about a 'hole' she immediately flew upstairs. She then proceeded to be yelled at by my father who told her he now had another problem: the wall. I told her she never told me to clean my room and that I didn't have a test to make up.

I got on my computer and brought up my grade sheet and indeed, proved her wrong.

My father proceeded to go on a rampage of my mother causing all these problems for nothing. Which of course, she can't be blamed for anything, the woman had to find something else to yell about. She called me lazy, un-satisfactory ect...

I was told to clean my room and go to bed. I walked into my closet and it seemed when all the papers began falling off the shelf in an array, the tears fell simultaneously. I couldn't compose myself, thoughts of these past two weeks drowned my mind and overflowed into the tears dripping off my chin.
I didn't stop crying until the wee hours of the morning, which didn't make waking up any easier.

I just wish things became easier as the days go by, but opposite effects are due.

Long and Latitudal

Annoying really, are my feelings.
I guess it was bound to happen, I don't know why I expected anything different. It's come to this point so many times that I couldn't take it seriously. We made valid points: It's a waste, It's a joke, It's dumb, It's pointless, It's harmful, It's hard, It's complication.
Points, or excuses.

It didn't hit me until someone yelled at me that night, and the walls came crashing down. The yelling shattered the glass around my frame and all was vulnerable and the tears were released from their aquariam sheild.

I don't want things to just be memories. But once again in the relationship, I'm the dirt and walk away ripped.

It's fine.
I lied, it's not fine. At all.

It didn't make sense to talk to everyone at school and say my last was...
One time I...

Past tense! You ruin it.

I guess somehow I see Steven being the easy way out, but I turn my head and see Steven as the hardest moutain to climb. I guess my worries are useless.

It's over and done, another heartbreak for the tally board. And coincidently, a former heartbreak is coming to town. Timing sucks.

crap

Why do I have a bad feeling about prom?
Oh yeah, cause it's going to be kinda shitty.

Oh well, at least I'm actually going, or so I think.

I guess that's the only positive?

Bitchin

I cannot wait to come home to my house tonight. For this reason:

This morning I walk downstairs to grab a glass of orange juice and drink it, and I see my mother rush in, it already being 8:00, was late. She signed a paper for me then said, "so you have you photo club then movie night, what time will you be home?"
I said, "probably around 7"
Mom, "are you going to pack food?"
me, "no, -
she cuts me off, "WELL THEN WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"
me, " I can pack stuff, don't worry"

So I walk upstairs, and in the next two seconds, my mother starts hysterically screaming at me to get my ass back in the kitchen, to say I am so rude and don't lend a helping hand to her in the morning when all she had to do was pack her lunch and leave.

Do you want me to pack your lunch?!

So I told her she didn't need to yell at me and I proceeded to walk upstairs only to hear more complaining, saying I do nothing for her ever, how selfish I am. You're right mom, so I replied back with "How about you take care of you, and I'll take care of me"
I was then told I was a bitch and not to forget I needed to sign up for a lifeguarding class after school.

Within five minutes she was screaming my name on the top of her lungs practically out of breath when she stopped, because she wanted me to move my car out of her way. I told her she had keys and she could move it if she wanted to, she didn't have to rely on my every single morning. Because that's what everyone else does, my dad moves it in the morning when he goes to work, how is she different?
Which resulted in screaming fuck you julie in front of our neighbors outside.

I just laughed and walked inside.

So I'm just really excited to go home and hear the over-exaggerated story told to my father, stretching everything that happened, ultimately, making Julie look like a piece of shit(as always) and mother, hm, well, perfect!