I guess I haven't written as much as I usually do in here. I'm losing touch. and maybe even losing it.
I feel so isolated, like no one else is even existant.
I go to school, don't see anyone. I drive home. Stay in my room minus dinner for thirty minutes. Sure, I do see Steven, but not enough and only on the weekends really. I don't even talk to my best friends, or what were my bestfriends.
I feel so out of it, and it's only my fault.
College makes me feels like shittttt
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
undertoe
I'm always caught in an undertoe.
I guess it was brought to my attention last night that I might not be the one ruining things. Damn, that's a let down. I'd rather everything just be my fualt rather than me feeling like shit and resting all vindication and then find out it's really a mixture of both people.
Ugh, blegh.
I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if it's this situation, or the ressee's puffs I just consumed. Hmph.
FUCK THIS SITUATIOOOOONNN
I guess it was brought to my attention last night that I might not be the one ruining things. Damn, that's a let down. I'd rather everything just be my fualt rather than me feeling like shit and resting all vindication and then find out it's really a mixture of both people.
Ugh, blegh.
I'm so sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if it's this situation, or the ressee's puffs I just consumed. Hmph.
FUCK THIS SITUATIOOOOONNN
Monday, March 17, 2008
Zhighhhh
I had my job interview today, woo. I like Larry, the manager. He's not some upity 20 year-old who thinks he knows the whole entire world just because he has managed to skip college to direct young adults.
I was done in about ten minutes. So I just decided to go to Steven's.
He was asleep. Nice, I told him at ten "Steven just get up, don't go back to sleep" And what does he do, sleeps.
I'm going to Houston tomorrow! I am so thrilleddddddd.
Dad even said I could go spend it with Anna! Yay, no bullshit talks from my senile Grandmaaaa
More on that topic later
Need to sleep, need to watch the ceiling
I was done in about ten minutes. So I just decided to go to Steven's.
He was asleep. Nice, I told him at ten "Steven just get up, don't go back to sleep" And what does he do, sleeps.
I'm going to Houston tomorrow! I am so thrilleddddddd.
Dad even said I could go spend it with Anna! Yay, no bullshit talks from my senile Grandmaaaa
More on that topic later
Need to sleep, need to watch the ceiling
Sunday, March 16, 2008
I'm desperate to leave this houseeeee. Ugh, what a surprising week/weekend it has become.
Friday night, I went with my mom and dad, who had the flu yum, to pick my sister up from the Airport. I hate waiting for baggage, but I did it anyways with a smile on my face. I was told I was in dire need of a new attitude, so here's my chance. After that I was begining to feel slightly malnurished and my stomach was drawing into my body, so I suggested we stop and eat somewhere on the way home. Dad knew he could please me with taking me to Las Colinas, because I have been pleading for a reason to go there, but because my mother feels the need to make my life a living hell, refuses to let me go. I was satisfied as I ate my soup and drank my tea, and even devoured two scoops of Vanilla Ice Cream. Yum. We got home around 10, my sister went off to see friends, I, of course, stayed home and played Guitar Hero, blegh. I think I wandered off to sleep around 2 a.m.
Saturday,I woke up, had a short lived hope for my health and jumped in the car and took a trip to the gym. Ha, Julie at the gym. Yeaaa. I reluctantly checked my e-mail, slightly hoping that the Gaylord would have looked at my application. They did, it's in review. Fuck, I might have a chance to get that stupid job. Eh. But I put in another application at a clothing store near-by. I kind of dispise the store, but hm, they have nice jeans there. And whatdayaknow?! Within literally one minute of clicking "send" on my application, I had an e-mail telling me to call and set up an interview. Wow, I'm good enough for something. I talked to the guy, Steve, who seemed smart and relaxed, and set up an appoitment for Monday morning. Wooo.
After I told my mom, she almost seemed proud of me. But then her brief shot of happiness was washed away as she did my laundry and accused me of using too many towels and not using them enough. Oh sorry.
Sunday, I made myself the most delicious breakfast. Mmmm. My mother alotted me an hour to shower and be ready to leave for Plano to go shopping with her, my sister, and dad. I got ready, of course we had to take pictures before we left the house. Blegh. Killl meeeeeeeee. Look at how awesome my family is:
We get in the car, my dad, whom is driving, puts his iPod headphones in and turns it all the way up, tuning us out. Then my mom turns on the top 40 radio station and trys to match my dads music. Ha. No one can even hear themselves talk.
We shopped and I got some new shorts. Yay? We got some milkshakes and decided to go home. Hm, productive afternoon.
Steven's drunk. Oh my goddddddddddd.
That little poop, I guess we don't have breakfast plans tomorrow. :(
Hmph
Friday night, I went with my mom and dad, who had the flu yum, to pick my sister up from the Airport. I hate waiting for baggage, but I did it anyways with a smile on my face. I was told I was in dire need of a new attitude, so here's my chance. After that I was begining to feel slightly malnurished and my stomach was drawing into my body, so I suggested we stop and eat somewhere on the way home. Dad knew he could please me with taking me to Las Colinas, because I have been pleading for a reason to go there, but because my mother feels the need to make my life a living hell, refuses to let me go. I was satisfied as I ate my soup and drank my tea, and even devoured two scoops of Vanilla Ice Cream. Yum. We got home around 10, my sister went off to see friends, I, of course, stayed home and played Guitar Hero, blegh. I think I wandered off to sleep around 2 a.m.
Saturday,I woke up, had a short lived hope for my health and jumped in the car and took a trip to the gym. Ha, Julie at the gym. Yeaaa. I reluctantly checked my e-mail, slightly hoping that the Gaylord would have looked at my application. They did, it's in review. Fuck, I might have a chance to get that stupid job. Eh. But I put in another application at a clothing store near-by. I kind of dispise the store, but hm, they have nice jeans there. And whatdayaknow?! Within literally one minute of clicking "send" on my application, I had an e-mail telling me to call and set up an interview. Wow, I'm good enough for something. I talked to the guy, Steve, who seemed smart and relaxed, and set up an appoitment for Monday morning. Wooo.
After I told my mom, she almost seemed proud of me. But then her brief shot of happiness was washed away as she did my laundry and accused me of using too many towels and not using them enough. Oh sorry.
Sunday, I made myself the most delicious breakfast. Mmmm. My mother alotted me an hour to shower and be ready to leave for Plano to go shopping with her, my sister, and dad. I got ready, of course we had to take pictures before we left the house. Blegh. Killl meeeeeeeee. Look at how awesome my family is:
We get in the car, my dad, whom is driving, puts his iPod headphones in and turns it all the way up, tuning us out. Then my mom turns on the top 40 radio station and trys to match my dads music. Ha. No one can even hear themselves talk.
We shopped and I got some new shorts. Yay? We got some milkshakes and decided to go home. Hm, productive afternoon.
Steven's drunk. Oh my goddddddddddd.
That little poop, I guess we don't have breakfast plans tomorrow. :(
Hmph
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Release
Going to Colorado June 9th
How I surpassed the punishment to fly from Dallas to Houston, from Houston to Colorado? Only God knows.
Not much can make me happy lately, but at least I know I will be escaping three days after I end school. Couldn't come at a better time.
How I surpassed the punishment to fly from Dallas to Houston, from Houston to Colorado? Only God knows.
Not much can make me happy lately, but at least I know I will be escaping three days after I end school. Couldn't come at a better time.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Speech Therapy
Because of some uncanny words shared between my mother and I today, I really don't know what else I expected when I got home, but to bear the brunt of my Dad.
Just as I stepped out the car, I was told to go sit in the kitchen and wait until he could get to me. I knew I was going to be punished, yet AGAIN, so sitting in the kitchen really didn't break me, or make me nervous.
As Dad yelled and cursed me for everything I've ever done wrong in MY LIFE, plus things he "thinks" I did(though haven't.), all that was running through my mind was "I know, I know, God I freaking KNOW". All this week any fucking(excuse that) time I talk to anyone, they all just yell at me about how wrong I am.
REALLY?
YOU DON'T THINK I FREAKING UNDERSTAND THAT?! DO YOU THINK I AM STUPID? DUMB? IGNORANT?
I get it.
I know what I did was wrong. And you expect that in two days I will have made everything better. NEWS FUCKING FLASH, it takes some god damn time. So please stop thinking you're just going to set me straight by giving me all this philosophical, pyschological, hypothetical bull-shit propoganda that's just going to 'turn me around' and make me a 'new person'. Shut the hell up.
And that right there is why my dad even had to have the conversation with me, because I got so sick and tired from not only hearing it from my parents, but every single person who knows me. Stop. Just fucking stop. Do you realize I tune you out. Do you realize I don't give a shit about one word you're saying, because I already know that I did something stupid. I know how god damn stupid it was. I'm dealing with my own guilt from myself, plus my parents, and what I did to friends. So the last thing I need, is your own guilt trip.
-Anywayssss.
My father went into his outlandish speech he gives every time I do something wrong about how he provides everything we(Will Katie Julie) want and more. How we're spoiled, we're brats, we're never asked to do anything. Which in that respect, my parents have given us a lot, I have lived a somewhat privlaged life. My dad makes a six figure salary. Now, regardless, my parents have NEVER just whipped out a twenty for me, my parents are never flashy. My parents don't just go out and buy something that I want without first talking about it, seeing if it's reasonable. If I want something I buy it.
I buy my own clothes, I bought my own iPod, my jewlery, my shoes, my makeup, things that I don't HAVE to have necessary for survival, I buy. I'm going to say that's more than the majority of any one I know has to do. So fuck off if you say I'm a well-to-do spoiled brat.
But when my dad started in with how he works just to make us happy, and how he was going to be taking a job in South Africa, so that we can have more money. I really didn't think he would affect me. He's splurred this speech to me more times than possible to count. He started saying how he would miss every birthday, every graduation, every achievement, every anniversary with the love of his life, every party, every moment in me, Katie and Will growing up. Just for money. To let me go to college. To maybe save my brother. MAYBE. To pay back the 100,000s of dollars that have time and time again saved my brother.
He noted that he knows I don't love or like my mom (right in front of her too), but he loves me regardless and would do that.
you know, my dad gets it. he really does.
and it's sad that the only words I could mutter at the end of that was,
"thanks for being my dad" and a measley hug, before I walked upstairs trying not to make a noise while i began sobbing.
I SUCK....I know.
Just as I stepped out the car, I was told to go sit in the kitchen and wait until he could get to me. I knew I was going to be punished, yet AGAIN, so sitting in the kitchen really didn't break me, or make me nervous.
As Dad yelled and cursed me for everything I've ever done wrong in MY LIFE, plus things he "thinks" I did(though haven't.), all that was running through my mind was "I know, I know, God I freaking KNOW". All this week any fucking(excuse that) time I talk to anyone, they all just yell at me about how wrong I am.
REALLY?
YOU DON'T THINK I FREAKING UNDERSTAND THAT?! DO YOU THINK I AM STUPID? DUMB? IGNORANT?
I get it.
I know what I did was wrong. And you expect that in two days I will have made everything better. NEWS FUCKING FLASH, it takes some god damn time. So please stop thinking you're just going to set me straight by giving me all this philosophical, pyschological, hypothetical bull-shit propoganda that's just going to 'turn me around' and make me a 'new person'. Shut the hell up.
And that right there is why my dad even had to have the conversation with me, because I got so sick and tired from not only hearing it from my parents, but every single person who knows me. Stop. Just fucking stop. Do you realize I tune you out. Do you realize I don't give a shit about one word you're saying, because I already know that I did something stupid. I know how god damn stupid it was. I'm dealing with my own guilt from myself, plus my parents, and what I did to friends. So the last thing I need, is your own guilt trip.
-Anywayssss.
My father went into his outlandish speech he gives every time I do something wrong about how he provides everything we(Will Katie Julie) want and more. How we're spoiled, we're brats, we're never asked to do anything. Which in that respect, my parents have given us a lot, I have lived a somewhat privlaged life. My dad makes a six figure salary. Now, regardless, my parents have NEVER just whipped out a twenty for me, my parents are never flashy. My parents don't just go out and buy something that I want without first talking about it, seeing if it's reasonable. If I want something I buy it.
I buy my own clothes, I bought my own iPod, my jewlery, my shoes, my makeup, things that I don't HAVE to have necessary for survival, I buy. I'm going to say that's more than the majority of any one I know has to do. So fuck off if you say I'm a well-to-do spoiled brat.
But when my dad started in with how he works just to make us happy, and how he was going to be taking a job in South Africa, so that we can have more money. I really didn't think he would affect me. He's splurred this speech to me more times than possible to count. He started saying how he would miss every birthday, every graduation, every achievement, every anniversary with the love of his life, every party, every moment in me, Katie and Will growing up. Just for money. To let me go to college. To maybe save my brother. MAYBE. To pay back the 100,000s of dollars that have time and time again saved my brother.
He noted that he knows I don't love or like my mom (right in front of her too), but he loves me regardless and would do that.
you know, my dad gets it. he really does.
and it's sad that the only words I could mutter at the end of that was,
"thanks for being my dad" and a measley hug, before I walked upstairs trying not to make a noise while i began sobbing.
I SUCK....I know.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Who
Gives a damn.
I have to be on the internet to be friends with my best friend for three years.
She has to sneak around to say "hey" to me.
He's lost all trust in me, and constantly reminds me. It tears me to pieces, I wish he knew how hard I really was trying.
I'm just not cut out for this world, or anything in particular.
Ugh, shoot me. My only happiness in these past couple of terrorful days was the dark room today. Cassi, Brendan, Alex and his sister and I all piled in there and developed negatives. Mmm, chemical smell. Mmm, the sliding cave. Mmm, smiles.
I recieved a text message that gathered hope for my relationship once again. Hopefully this continues. Hopefully.
Man, I really fucked up.
I have to be on the internet to be friends with my best friend for three years.
She has to sneak around to say "hey" to me.
He's lost all trust in me, and constantly reminds me. It tears me to pieces, I wish he knew how hard I really was trying.
I'm just not cut out for this world, or anything in particular.
Ugh, shoot me. My only happiness in these past couple of terrorful days was the dark room today. Cassi, Brendan, Alex and his sister and I all piled in there and developed negatives. Mmm, chemical smell. Mmm, the sliding cave. Mmm, smiles.
I recieved a text message that gathered hope for my relationship once again. Hopefully this continues. Hopefully.
Man, I really fucked up.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Overflow
More fucking great news.
I guess what's more than depressing is the fact that I nor my family can do anything about it all. God, why does this always fucking happen to us?
Do we ever get a fucking break!? Seriously, I think my family wins the award for "Fucked Over".
For every one thing that goes right, seventy-nine go wrong.
FUCK THIS LIFE
I don't care if God punishes me and gives me the saddest life full of torture.
But please, don't put my family through this. It's what hurts the most to see my parents cry, to hear my mom sobbing.
To hear her pray that she doesn't have to bury her children.
I guess what's more than depressing is the fact that I nor my family can do anything about it all. God, why does this always fucking happen to us?
Do we ever get a fucking break!? Seriously, I think my family wins the award for "Fucked Over".
For every one thing that goes right, seventy-nine go wrong.
FUCK THIS LIFE
I don't care if God punishes me and gives me the saddest life full of torture.
But please, don't put my family through this. It's what hurts the most to see my parents cry, to hear my mom sobbing.
To hear her pray that she doesn't have to bury her children.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Wishes
This is exactly what I've been looking like and my mood has been enthralled with the whole night:
Deep melancholyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy at it's best.
I've just been thinking so much about my future. Expectations, standards, blah blah.
I wish it were as simple as I want it to be. I think no one really understands what it's like and what it has to be like except for Cassi, because her parents are the same way. I have to conform to their expectations and standards or no school. And school isn't something I'm willing to just give up.
I want to go to college and get my degree, be studying what I want to do. Education is really important to me, so don't get me wrong, I don't mind that expectation.
But I want to be happy in what I pick, and my parents are pushing about job prespects, and money. Steven said something tonight about not wanting to be chasing money and just find something that I'm happy doing and do it. He's completely right. But it's not as easy as just getting married and doing what I want. I only wish. I only wish. I wish I just could get married right now! And be a good wife and mother and support my husband in whatever. And be happy.
Be settled, be happy, embrace everyday for its worth.
I know it's not that simple, and I know this is far from my reach. That's what's depressing me.
Deep melancholyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy at it's best.
I've just been thinking so much about my future. Expectations, standards, blah blah.
I wish it were as simple as I want it to be. I think no one really understands what it's like and what it has to be like except for Cassi, because her parents are the same way. I have to conform to their expectations and standards or no school. And school isn't something I'm willing to just give up.
I want to go to college and get my degree, be studying what I want to do. Education is really important to me, so don't get me wrong, I don't mind that expectation.
But I want to be happy in what I pick, and my parents are pushing about job prespects, and money. Steven said something tonight about not wanting to be chasing money and just find something that I'm happy doing and do it. He's completely right. But it's not as easy as just getting married and doing what I want. I only wish. I only wish. I wish I just could get married right now! And be a good wife and mother and support my husband in whatever. And be happy.
Be settled, be happy, embrace everyday for its worth.
I know it's not that simple, and I know this is far from my reach. That's what's depressing me.
Self-
Portrait.
Mediocre, crap work anyone? I think so!
This is what I can produce in two measley hours, 1 hour and 45 minutes of which I fumble the camera in my hands thinking of something midly creative to create.
Obviously that time was wasted, as nothing creative came out of it. Oh well, Sigh, I will turn it in, smile briefly and gulp down my mouthful of embarassment infront of my class. Suddenly this whole Vice President of Photography postion sucks. I should have spent the whole week we had on this. Well, fuck that.
Mediocre, crap work anyone? I think so!
This is what I can produce in two measley hours, 1 hour and 45 minutes of which I fumble the camera in my hands thinking of something midly creative to create.
Obviously that time was wasted, as nothing creative came out of it. Oh well, Sigh, I will turn it in, smile briefly and gulp down my mouthful of embarassment infront of my class. Suddenly this whole Vice President of Photography postion sucks. I should have spent the whole week we had on this. Well, fuck that.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Pictures of Success
Damn, it's already March. March 2nd. Like I said, I'm so glad that this week is over, but now, I'm so glad that also this weekend is over.
Chaotic. That's all that can really explian it.
I'm sitting out in the open with my ipod in, to musk my parent's conversation. I can't take it anymore.
I was so scared this weekend. The person that seems like the one who gets it and makes me happy lately, made me shudder. Sometimes things are so perfect, and so when something does go wrong, it's a major shock. I just don't know how to handle those types of things so I tend to push them away.
I'm also frightened at the fact that things have never happened like this before. God, my feelings are so strong so fast, it's ridiculous. It's making me spin, and sometimes I have to give them a second thought. They can't be mistaken though. On Thursday night, when I felt his chin quivering against my neck, and then the tears seep into my shoulder, it really overtook me. I don't think I could stand losing this.
I can't handle the idea that an illness will eventually rip him away from me. It really breaks my heart. Breaks my heart to the point that I don't know how to act. I wish I could wave my hands, or do some stupid dance to make it go away. I just want it to go away.
I walked up to the door today and sighed as I saw Tyler sitting in the chair in the living room. Why oh why didn't he tell me he was going to be there? I was so afraid to walk in the door. Not because I'm afraid of Tyler. He wouldn't do anything. It's just I see it as something that could hurt this. And I want nothing to hurt what we have. I don't think I need to say that when I walked into the house I went directly upstairs.
Anyways...
I really have to do something soon for my self portrait project. Blagh! It's due tuesday, which means I have to shoot and print it all tomorrow. Fuccccck. It won't get done, that's for sure. But I will sure try.
I wish things would just end up right, work out, be simple for once. Sometimes "shit just happens", but after shit keeps happening and happening, I wonder, if good just happens. It's sad that my life has turned out this way.
Chaotic. That's all that can really explian it.
I'm sitting out in the open with my ipod in, to musk my parent's conversation. I can't take it anymore.
I was so scared this weekend. The person that seems like the one who gets it and makes me happy lately, made me shudder. Sometimes things are so perfect, and so when something does go wrong, it's a major shock. I just don't know how to handle those types of things so I tend to push them away.
I'm also frightened at the fact that things have never happened like this before. God, my feelings are so strong so fast, it's ridiculous. It's making me spin, and sometimes I have to give them a second thought. They can't be mistaken though. On Thursday night, when I felt his chin quivering against my neck, and then the tears seep into my shoulder, it really overtook me. I don't think I could stand losing this.
I can't handle the idea that an illness will eventually rip him away from me. It really breaks my heart. Breaks my heart to the point that I don't know how to act. I wish I could wave my hands, or do some stupid dance to make it go away. I just want it to go away.
I walked up to the door today and sighed as I saw Tyler sitting in the chair in the living room. Why oh why didn't he tell me he was going to be there? I was so afraid to walk in the door. Not because I'm afraid of Tyler. He wouldn't do anything. It's just I see it as something that could hurt this. And I want nothing to hurt what we have. I don't think I need to say that when I walked into the house I went directly upstairs.
Anyways...
I really have to do something soon for my self portrait project. Blagh! It's due tuesday, which means I have to shoot and print it all tomorrow. Fuccccck. It won't get done, that's for sure. But I will sure try.
I wish things would just end up right, work out, be simple for once. Sometimes "shit just happens", but after shit keeps happening and happening, I wonder, if good just happens. It's sad that my life has turned out this way.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
110.
It has been a hell of a week, I am so glad it is over with. Ugggh thankfullly.
I am going to see The Band's Visit today with Brendan, woooh. I have really wanted to see this, but I really don't have much time to trek down to Mockingbird to see it. So finally we are going!
I am going to see The Band's Visit today with Brendan, woooh. I have really wanted to see this, but I really don't have much time to trek down to Mockingbird to see it. So finally we are going!
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