Management

Listening to MGMT brings a subliminal feeling to my bones.

My mind flashes to speeding down I75, 35, 635 in the Saab or Beemer. The closest escape to nirvana. Coming home from Dallas, a small escape inside the city, seeing interesting things that I've yet to experience. Not really talking on the ride, but just enjoying what's left of the trip home, back to parents, family, friends, fights, letdowns.

For a minute it feels good to be 'Kids' again...



You were a child, crawling on your knees towards it.
Making momma so proud, but your voice is too loud.
We like to watch you laughing, you pick the insects off plants.
No time to think of consequences

Control yourself; take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
Control yourself; take only what you need from him.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.

The water's warm but it's sending me shivers.
A baby is born crying out for attention.
Memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror.
Decisions decisions are made, not bought.
But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not.

Control yourself; take only what you need from it.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.
Control yourself; take only what you need from him.
A family of trees wanted, to be haunted.

I'm so thankful I'm having days off now. I've never felt so gracious about free time just to lay in my bed.

Next week my family is going to San Antonio, for some R and R. I'm ready to leave. It's going to be nice just to wake up in a nice hotel and lay around in the lazy river, eat Mexican food, and stop play in Austin. I think the general population feels the need to vacation to grab a mere escape. No matter how perfect one's life may seem, one figures something is wrong in their life, and the sensation of leaving time and town behind for even a few days, makes everything that occurs there (body and mind) stay behind and out of sight.

Hopefully, it's going to cure my worries, at least temporarily when I leave.


"Pass it on"

I don't know what I want in a new relationship, but I can surely without fail say that I know I don't want anything that's been accumilated in my past relationships. Each have been full of selfishness and false promises. I'm so sick of hopes and plans only to be shattered to the floor and blown away with the changing winds of a new season.

It's got to end sometime, right? It's got to start making progress sooner or later, right?

Once again, I've been lead to believe that should give something a try again. Ha, only to find it was merely a gimic. I, of course, get 'fucked over' and emotionaly fucked as well. I guess some people can have emotionly detatched relations and physical mornings, but I just can't do it, not when I formally fell in love with them. It just can't be done for me.

So here I am left, to pick up the pieces of myself and try to forget and move on, but the temptation is always there. I am always reminded somehow. Even after progressing days without a thought, or memory, something will spark a thought in my head about something that has happened, and the whole charade arises again. I can't take it.

If someone could just explain how to make this better and to go away altogether, I would appreciate it. But if it's just hypothetical bullshit, I'd rather you just stay away.

Not to mention, this situation makes me vulnerable. And people know that.
They make slight moves and hints. They think I don't know that I realize they're taking apart in my vulnerability, my search for some closure. And yes, they're accomplishing things by making it harder for me and tempting with thoughts of being accepted and wanted again. But I just want that to stop as well.

"if it's love, you don't have to work at it"

Such a stupid simple quote, from such a stereotypical hollywood romance, but it's right in so many ways.

It's funny how old friends wedge into your life at weird timing.
I've been working non-stop, and I'm ready for a day off. Thank goodness tomorrow Brendan and I are going jet skiing. Yay, some relaxation in the sun. I work in it all day, but it's not the same as just relaxing.

Tonight was Kalyn's birthday so we went to Asahi with her mom, dad, Alex and Brendan and ate sushi and hibachi. Yum. It's my favorite food. I'm starting to be more open to sashimi. Mm. We went back to her house and had some cake and opened presents. It was a good off work time too. I enjoyed it. Even though I went home around 9:30, it was a good time off.

Everyone's leaving for the fourth of July. Brendan and Kayln are leaving on Friday. What to do without my two best buddies. I'm not sure. I won't doubt there will be loads of time for me to be by myself and think in a sharp haze, if you know what I'm getting at. I'm feeling some cable t.v. time.

Schedule

New life style:

-Work
-Pass out from work
-Wake up
-Watch friends get hurt
-Watch myself make healthy decisions

Repeat!
And the only thing that's upsetting in that list above would have the be the friends getting hurt portion. Oh yea, and work.

I don't even blow my whistle anymore at the self centered children any more, if they fall, that's their own problem. I hand out the bandaids anyways. I'm glad our city has entrusted the lives of children in me.

I'm also wondering if smoking pot is worthwhile for anyone really. I mean I understand why people do, I've been there, but the side effects are miraculous. Not the normal you see on commercials. Nah, the more heartfelt stuff. The laziness in relationships. It makes you so lazy, that you're too lethargic to care for someone even though you want to. Worthwhile?

purple

Hazy summer night.
Being the only girl as usual. Unsure and incapable of knowing anyone or anything around me in the daze I was checking into.
I needed to get out. That very second. I was panicked on the inside, quiet and querulous on the outside.

I got home and no one left me alone. So I sunk into my head in bed, the only open place for me to go anymore. It doesn't judge my judgment and I want it to stay that way. I thought about all the things everyone always says about it. I started to believe it. I started to realize my true feelings that are always suppressed. Ever since day one, I knew they couldn't be true; the ruining sort. It would have to be fake, a joke, too friendly. But now the more and more hurt I see welling into you, the more and more stronger this anger grows. Anger out of care.

It's stupid and pointless.I don't know what I want. But when I listen to the album I know it was written about this incarcerating situation.

dede

Its become a whole new game. i could deal with it. the darting eyes, the silence, but now it has gone too far with no reservations.

this laptop sucks by the way.

being a complete imbusil and being as rude as you possible can is completely unnecessary. I have done nothing to initiate it at all, and it's really uncalled for. it makes me despise you. i never had a hatred or disliking, just a discontent with the situation. but now, now it is different. there is a disdain when i look upon you and i wish i had never met you. i am disappointed that i could have been associated with such foul actors.

I don't think it about all of the actors, mainly just two.
one because they're the instigator, and frankly the situation has nothing whatsoever to do with them. The other, doesn't even have a place in this and I wish would just take the highroad. apparently that's too much to ask from such jackasses.

I haven't spoken any rude words until this day. Because it has gone far enough. I'm sick of it, and sick of you.
If you're so over me, then be done with it, stop carrying on. I've gotten over it mainly because I see it cannot be reversed and after seeing the way things have panned out, even if they could be reversed I'm not sure I could associate with that. I am now just finally standing up for myself.

Done
*this does not pertain to a simple individual, and more than likely the wrong person will get the wrong impression that it is him/her, so don't even take it personally.